What A Hard Mountain to Climb, This Thing We Call Divorce
Aug 23 '01
The Bottom Line I'm not going to tell you divorce is easy. But I will give you support and encouragement to become resilient in this time of struggle.
To be honest, this will probably be the hardest review I’ve ever had to write. Divorce is not an easy topic for me, and I am still very sensitive to this issue due to my own personal experience. I guess the best way to begin is to give my readers a little of my personal history. That way you might be able to see where my opinions stem from.
I was married in March of 1999, and as most people see it, the marriage bond was one that was going to last forever. We bought our first home in June, and moved in not soon after. We got a dog, a small pug named Pugsley. My son, Christian, was born in November of 1999, and he was, and still is, the joy of my life. Sounds like the perfect family, yes? No.
Not long after we married, my husband drastically changed. He began to be demeaning towards me, and we often got into arguments that ended in me being very upset because of his irrational behavior. I was always told that I was wrong – no matter what, and that I was crazy or demented or immature. This ‘perfect’ guy soon turned into a verbal and emotional abuser. Slowly, I began to loose my self-esteem and self-confidence. I was pulled away from my friends and family, and was forced to become subordinate to his wishes and desires.
When I became pregnant, I went into pre-term labor in my seventh month and almost lost my child due to his abuse. When Christian was born, things did not get any better. Soon, my husband began to treat the baby just as he treated me, which was down right awful. I was restrained from getting my infant when he would cry, because there was ‘nothing wrong with the baby, and he had to learn to toughen up’. The child was only months old, for goodness sakes. A two month old has no business being “toughened up”.
Then, I began to see signs of it turning into physical abuse. My husband would throw things, shake and slap the baby, and even went so far as putting his entire fist through the wall, leaving a gaping hole in the living room. At this point, I took the dog and myself to my parents to escape. As often times happens in abusive relationships, I returned to the abuser. Statistics show that the abused person returns five times to the abuser before they stop the relationship. I was promised that things would change, and that he would become a new person. This was the case for two days, and then things went right back to normal, if you could call it that.
After a year and a half of marriage, I finally came to my awakening and realized that this was not a good situation for my child or me. I filed for divorce in February of 2001. Six months later, the divorce was finalized. It took me a long while to come to this decision and the process was excruciating. I still cannot believe that one person can hurt another so much.
The divorce proceedings went straight to mediation instead of the court system. My now ex-husband has visitation with Christian, every Monday and Wednesday nights, and also an over night visit from Friday evening to Saturday afternoon. Even though I had filed for divorce, he still continued to harass me, and even went so far as to threaten to take the baby and not return with him. The police were called numerous times during these six months, and an investigation with Children’s Protective Services was even opened. Yet my ex still has visitation.
Since visitation has begun, Christian consistently comes home with injuries and illnesses; from food poisoning to a urine tract infection, from bruises to scrapes. On each occasion, we are told by doctors and lawyers alike, that this is not serious enough to warrant the visitation being stopped, let alone having it supervised. Each time my child leaves my arms, I worry about what is going to happen next. In what condition will he come home in this time?
I am still healing from all that has occurred, and I am still very bitter towards the judicial system for allowing a child to have unsupervised visitations with an abuser. What my baby has gone through is something no innocent child should experience.
And this brings me to the topic at hand. Divorce, and what you should know about it. First off, I’d like to say that I am not a professional on this matter, and am only using my past experiences as basis to write this review. I used not be an advocate of divorce, because I felt that the marriage bond was sacred and it should be preserved. But going through what I went through, I have since changed my opinions. Sometimes two people are better off being apart than living together.
Divorce is very emotionally draining. It is not an easy decision to come to, nor is it easy to actually go through the process. Divorce is very time consuming, and can take its toll on a person, depending upon the circumstances. It is a hard decision to come to, because many different issues are involved.
My first suggestion on divorce is to be as emotionally ready as possible. Alas, this is not easy to do, regardless of whether you are the petitioner or the defendant. To realize that your marriage has come to an end and that your family is being split are difficult things to come to terms with. Talking with a trusted friend or a professional therapist may help you overcome the many emotions involved.
Divorce can also be financially draining. Be prepared to pay court costs, as well as your lawyer’s hourly fee. If children are involved, alimony and child support also come into play.
Finding a good and thorough lawyer is also a necessity. Many people get burned in the divorce process because their lawyer is not knowledgeable enough, or does not have enough drive to work on your case.
What exactly happens throughout the divorce process? First off, both parties must fill out a case disclosure. This lists all of the marital and non-marital assets, the parties’ children, if any, the debts of the marriage, and other general background information, such as housing, salaries, etc. The case then either goes before the judge in family court, or it is directed into mediation. Mediation is a process where both parties meet with their lawyers to see what can be solved and agreed upon outside of the judicial system. This is how my divorce was handled, so I did not have any experience with the actual family court system. After issues such as custody, dividing the property, and splitting the debt is covered, one or both parties attend a proof hearing. This is a hearing that basically supports the fact that your marriage is irretrievable. After being signed by the judge, the divorce then becomes finalized. The process is over. I have heard of many divorces lasting months, if not years, so be prepared to stick it out for the long haul.
I would also like to detail what happens to the children in this piece. Often times, the children really take a beating in divorce. They feel torn between their parents, and they feel like what has happened is their fault. Many custody battles are vicious, which in turn leaves the child feeling even more emotionally distraught. So what can you do to make this less demanding upon the child?
First off, let them know that you love them. It is important that the children know that both mom and dad still love them, regardless of whether the family is intact or not.
Support your children, and be emotionally available to them. Children will naturally have many questions regarding this issue, and all problems should be handled in an appropriate manner. Bashing the opposite parent or getting into arguments in front of the kids will not help them to handle this situation any better.
Make sure to spend quality time with your kids, especially during this tumultuous period. Once again, your children need to feel your love, and this is a great way to do it. Even a few good minutes spent together can do wonders.
Do not pull your children into your divorce. Trying to get your kids to side with you, and not with your ex, only confuses them. Realize that they probably love your spouse just as much as they do you, and to talk badly against the other will in essence only hurt your child. If your ex is truly a negligent parent, in time your children will see the light and the truth.
Make the transition as easy as possible. Most custody cases end with split parenting time. Try to communicate with your spouse as much as possible in regards to the children. Since the kids now have two houses, try to keep routines the same and discipline consistent in both homes.
Because of my personal experience, I feel it is very hard for me to respect my ex as the father of my child. Many times he has let my son down by not showing up for scheduled visitation, by not spending quality time with Christian, or even causing him physical pain. This is hard on me, but it is even harder for my son. In these types of conditions, you just have to do the best you can. I know I realize what type of person my ex-spouse is, but my son is still too young to comprehend the circumstances. Time and patience will ease this situation. Sure, it’s hard for me to see my ex have unsupervised visitation. It’s difficult to see my son coming home with strange bumps, bruises, and illnesses. But giving up is not going to do anyone any good. Being loving and vigilant to my son will do more than anything else.
Divorce, in any circumstance, is not easy. People say that dealing with a divorce is harder than dealing with death. And after going through it, I can see why. My marriage, and in turn, my divorce, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s been a struggle to survive – I won’t lie about that. I look back on all my son and I have undergone, and I wonder how we’ve made it through. How have we managed to remain resilient and fight against this awful plague? I’ve managed to stay strong by having faith and by receiving much support from my family and friends. Each day that goes by gets a little easier. I know that in the long run I can survive, and that Christian and I will be better off by getting out of that abusive relationship. If you are going through a divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is. But stay strong, and keep your head up amidst the trials and struggles. It does get easier, and you will make it. Trust me, you will make it.
************************************************************
I’d like to offer to personally correspond with anyone who is in the midst of an impending divorce and feels that they may need a shoulder to lean on. I know how lonely and emotionally draining this time can be, and I am more than willing to answer any questions you may have, or simply give support.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
chaoticmother
|
|
Location: Louisville, Kentucky, USA
Reviews written: 22
Trusted by: 4 members
About Me:
Mother of a baby boy, own an adorable pug dog, and a Creative Memories Consultant.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.