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Forcing A Child To Accept A Deathbed Promise Will Cause Guilt & ObsessionAug 24 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Forcing a child to agree to a deathbed promise causes an obsession to make that promise come to pass and guilt if the wish is unattainable.
A parent is in the hospital on their deathbed. The doctors agree that it is only a matter of time before the inevitable happens and the parent will pass on. Death is never easy for anyone, but for a parent who may be leaving this earth before their children are grown, this is harder because they will never see the potential that their child would ultimately become. As children are at the side of their parent, what parting words should a parent have for their child? What words of wisdom can be imparted toward that child that will last with that child for the rest of that child’s life? Should there be tears of regret for time wasted or deep contentment knowing that there’s peace between the parent and child as they now part company here on earth? While many things may be said between parent and child at this time, I have seen evidence of a situation that can cause irreparable harm for the child in this situation as the child hears the last thoughts and wishes of their parent. The Parent’s Last Words In my life, I hope that I never have to go through a situation where my children are at my side as I slip into death. That’s just something that I choose to not think about, as I would rather focus on living issues than dying issues. However, I have seen the effects of deathbed promises that parents force their children to accept out of obligation and the disastrous effects that can have on a child’s life. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. A man is dying and speaking to his only child, his college-aged son who is the last of his family lineage. Realizing that his life is only may be an hour away, he has a very intense conversation with his only son about the importance of having children to carry on the family name. Otherwise the family line will die with this son’s passing and the name will be no more. After this intense and emotional scene the father dies, and the son now feels this tremendous obligation. However, life shortly after this goes badly for the son as he almost loses his own life in a tragic accident. Through an intense period of therapy though for several years, he does seem to get his life more in order to where he can function now independently from others. However, though he has had this tremendous fight for life, he has lost a great deal of his young adult years and now looks upon his 30s as his last chance to get married. Even though he has many desirable women in his life that he gives his heart to, one thing seems to come to light over and over again and that is this intense compulsion to obsession to carry out his father’s death bed wish. Any women that would find him desirable as a mate, he scares away with his intense “need” to have that woman bear him an heir. His entire life becomes obsessed with reproduction instead of trying to find a suitable mate that would be his true helpmeet. As years go by, he meets several women who fall in love with him – all of who can not bear any children for whatever physical circumstance. They love him for who he is and would love to be his wife, but none of them can bear him a child. When he discusses possible alternative means producing an heir for them to have, these scares most of the women away. They see themselves as being of use to this man as more of a reproductive vessel to be used rather than to be a wife to love and be loved. For years now, I’ve tried to explain to him that it as wrong for his father to have made him promise such a thing on his deathbed, because his father could not have known the future. I have tried to explain to him that the only thing in life that is worth anything is to have happiness and peace in your heart so that you can have a loving relationship with someone. However, all of these things have gone upon deaf ears for all of this time as this obsession still is in his being. As a result, now he is forty-four years old, still alone, with a very unlikely future ahead of him relationshipwise because of this obsession with fulfilling this deathbed wish. Is He Alone? As I have heard of other male friends of mine speak about their father’s passing, the same types of things have happened to them. Their fathers placed upon them standards and visions for them to uphold and accomplish that may have nothing to do with the talents of their sons. However, because their sons promised to do their father’s will, that became what their will would be – stifling whatever dreams they had on their own. What Now? Having had a person “force” me to make a deathbed promise to them about 2 ˝ years ago, I can understand the effects of feeling compelled to make these promises to a dying loved one. After all, the individual on that deathbed loves us and wants to have the best for us in our lives. So they determine what they feel that should be based on their own interpretation of their will for our lives and make us agree to is based on emotion rather than on what God’s will for our lives may be. The magnitude of making one of these deathbed promises is really incredible. After making this promise, I took about a year of my life trying to make these last wishes come to pass so that I would not disappoint this loved one. However, after being hurt even worse than I would have been if I had not attempted to fulfill this last wish, I decided through prayer and fasting that it was wrong for me to agree to what another person wanted to happen in my life. I should live my life according to what I felt God wanted me to do, and quit trying to please another person even though they felt they were doing the right thing for me. Dealing with the guilt of having “disappointed” a deceased loved one is incredible though and still this is a daily decision for me to do what God has in store for me instead of what another person wanted me to do. I really feel that the more love you felt toward that person who made you agree to these promises is in direct proportion to the guilt you feel as a disappointment factor when you go against that person’s will. So, I understand the problem that my friend has with this deathbed promise he made to his father decades ago very well. However, it is wrong though for him to try to live his life based on that promise when he could have had a very loving relationship with a woman now for quite some time had he just sought peace, happiness, and love in his life instead. Recommendation Therefore, my recommendation for anyone who is suffering from a deadly disease or virus, to please do your children and other loved ones a favor – Do not make them promise to agree to any last minute deathbed wishes on your part even though you feel compelled to do so. Requiring such commitment on your part at the end of your life to force your wishes upon that loved one will cause stress and guilt with that individual to fulfill those dreams at the point of losing focus of what is important in life – to live it to the fullest with the joy and happiness that each one of us deserves.  |
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