Have you ever been kicked out of a grocery store? I have. And I did it for you – the Epinions’ reader trying to research groceries. When I was invited to participate in a Write-Off in this particular category, I decided to test my theory that grocery shopping brings out the best in all of us and most of us enjoy helping our fellow shoppers when they need our assistance. I’m sure you’ve taken pride in your altruism when you were able to advise the confused young man who asked you if he needed to boil the peel-and-eat shrimp before eating them or assist the elderly woman who asked you to read her the minuscule print on back of the cold medicine box.

As you may recall from school, all thorough research begins with a hypothesis, or a tentative assumption. The hypothesis that I decided to test was: Grocery shoppers are more willing to help a man than a woman.

Obviously I needed a woman to participate in the experiment with me and initially chose one of my uglier female friends in order to skew the results in my favor. As luck would have it, she refused to participate (even though I didn’t share with her the reason I selected her.) On the other hand, my most attractive lady friend agreed immediately and I was somewhat concerned that Julie’s young good looks would put me at a huge disadvantage in the ‘competition’. Yes, I was forced to restructure my scientific study into a ‘competition’ since Julie agreed to help me only if we turned the experiment into a game at which she could kick my butt.

We started by agreeing that we would each ask a dozen grocery questions of fellow shoppers and award one point for each ‘friendly response’. The definition of a ‘friendly response’ included everything from a sincere attempt to help to an honest “I don’t know”. A ‘hostile response’ included everything from being ignored to a nasty remark, and was worth zero points.

Julie and I share a perverse sense of humor and need for humiliation so decided to select eight of the most embarrassing groceries we could find to use in our experim—er, game. We then agreed upon three simple questions to ask other shoppers. Finally, we wrote down the product names and each drew four of them from a hat. Since we each had three questions and four products, both Julie and I had the potential to earn twelve points.


THE LABORATORY

Our lab was my neighborhood Schnuck’s store. Schnuck’s is a Midwest chain of hundreds of megasize grocery stores and advertises itself as “The Friendliest Store in Town.” Not only did Julie and I choose the ‘friendliest’ store for our research/competition, we chose the ‘friendliest’ day of the week in order to maximize our results. We figured that Sunday from 10 a.m. to noon would yield us the most charitable responses since our fellow shoppers would still be filled with vibes of good will from church or a leisurely brunch. We were wrong.


THE RULES

1. Julie and I would alternate turns as player and scorer on our assigned products.

2. Once product is in player’s hands, player must stop the first shopper (not accompanied by children) who passes by.

3. Player may ask the three questions in any order, but may only move to next question if previous question evokes a friendly response.

4. Scorer must witness the asking and answering of the question.

5. Player with the most points wins and either proves or disproves that Grocery shoppers are more willing to help a man than a woman.


THE PRODUCTS

Depend ‘s Briefs (Large)
18 count/ $14.39

Ex-Lax Caplets Stool Softener
40 count/ $4.91

Fleet Enema Kit
4.5 oz./ $1.49

Kotex Tampon (Super)
18 count/ $2.99

Lamisil Jock Itch Cream
12 grams/ $8.99

Preparation H Suppositories
12 count/ $6.99

Trojan-Enz (Lubricated)
12 count/ $9.69

Tucks Medicated Hemorrhoidal Pads
40 count/ $5.19


THE QUESTIONS

1. Does this hurt when you use it?
2. How many times can I re-use this?
3. Will this still work if I cut it in half?


THE STRATEGY

Our strategy was to start with the most logical question pertaining to the product, in order to avoid being immediately rebuked and therefore blocked from moving on to the next two questions. For example, we hypothesized that it would be counterproductive to lead off with ‘Will this still work if I cut it in half?’ when inquiring about the condoms or ‘How many times can I re-use this?’ when seeking advice on the suppositories.


LET THE GAMES BEGIN

I immediately protested when Julie arrived at my house wearing a tight halter top, tiny pink shorts, and platform shoes with her blond hair teased out and heavy make-up accentuating her blue eyes and full lips. After she pointed out that there were no dress code rules, I snapped back that my theory involved a comparison between males and females, not geeks and hookers. Although I hoped her ploy to gain a strategic advantage would backfire miserably, I couldn’t resist sneaking back into my bedroom to splash on a liberal dose of cologne and slip a rolled-up gym sock into my jeans. All for the sake of good science of course.

As Julie suspiciously eyed my crotch, we took turns drawing the slips of paper that assigned us our products. My merciless laughter when Julie selected jock-itch cream was promptly silenced by her maniacal cackling as I drew the tampons. Ironically, her relief that I drew the Depend’s Large Briefs was equal to my excitement and we echoed each other’s simultaneous shouts of “YES! YES! YES!” as we both pumped our fists in the air triumphantly.

Conveniently, all of the embarrassing groceries are found in the same aisle of Schnuck’s so we didn’t have to do much walking- this was a relief since we both found walking a bit of a challenge between the platform shoes and rolled-up sock. We decided to position ourselves about twenty feet apart in order to verify each other’s results and both admitted to feeling an adrenaline rush in anticipation of interacting with our unwitting subjects.

THE RESULTS

Suppositories
I experienced early success when a grandmotherly type gently informed me that suppositories only hurt if you ‘rush them in’, that cutting them in half ‘may actually make it easier’, and that she didn’t think it was possible to re-use them. I’m not sure if she noticed the bulge in my crotch, but I’m pretty sure she noticed the hooker twenty feet away hunched over with laughter. Three points for me!

Enema Kit
A professional looking young woman initially seemed eager to help Julie with her enema kit and actually took the box from Julie’s hands in order to read the directions and determine if it was re-usable. Fortunately for me, Julie then made the fatal mistake of making eye contact with me and subsequently guffawed in the helpful lady’s face, resulting in a terse ‘very funny’ and a hasty departure. One point for the hooker.

Tampons
As I studied the box of tampons, I was overcome with relief when out of the corner of my eye I noticed another man approaching since I doubted I could ask my questions to a female without being slapped. Then it dawned on me that I’d rather feel the open hand of a woman against my face than the closed fist of a construction worker, but the rules gave me no choice but to approach him.

Hard-To-Please: “Excuse me.”

Construction Worker: (Suspicious look.)

HTP: “This is embarrassing, but can you help me?”

CW: “I don’t work here.”

HTP: “I know, but I was wondering if you had a girlfriend.” (I was trying to develop a good excuse for asking him about tampons, but in retrospect it came across more as a bad pick-up line.)

CW: “Who wants to know?” (Alternating glances between Julie’s assets and my sock.)

HTP: “I’m on a tight budget and wondered if these would still work if I cut them in half.”

CW: “Are you serious?”

HTP: “Uh-huh.” (Noticing that CW also has a sock in his jeans.)

CW: How big is your woman?”

HTP: “About your size.”

CW: “Are you serious?”

HTP: “Why do you keep asking me that? This is hard enough as it is.”

CW: “What’s hard enough?” (Smiling)

HTP: “C’mon Buddy- just help me out.” (Sweating profusely and causing cologne to kick into high gear.)

CW: “What’s your name?”

HTP: (Suddenly noticing that CW now has two socks in his jeans.) “Never mind.”

One hard-won point for Hard To Please.

Jock-Itch Cream
When Julie and I located the Lamisil, it took all of my strength to resist the overwhelming urge to rip it from her hands and apply it to my gym sock. But I knew that I must suffer in silence lest she think I was interfering in her round so I simply stared longingly at the cream as she readied herself for the next passerby.

I chided Julie by pointing out that it was obviously more than mere coincidence that I was in the lead and her shorts were now riding about three inches higher than in Round 1. As she was vehemently denying any effort at manipulation, we both realized it was a moot point as an elderly couple toddled toward her. And I do mean elderly- it was obvious that these two had been around for at least half a century before the jock had even been invented. Just as I was mentally tallying up a big fat zero for Julie, she sprung into action.

I rolled my eyes as Julie affected a heavy Southern accent and in a voice dripping with honey, drawled “Can y’awl heylp me?” The old man straightened up and much to my amazement asked “What’s the problem, Sugah?” Julie now had her back to me so I could no longer hear what she was saying, but her body actions reminded me of a mime with a severe case of crabs. The old lady was nodding her head ‘yes’ just as vigorously as the old man was shaking his head ‘no’. Julie then mimed what appeared to be Marcel Marceau walking against the wind and suddenly the lady changed from nodding ‘yes’ to shaking ‘no’ as the old codger did exactly the opposite. Finally Julie pantomimed being stuck in a glass box and for the first time, both of the gray-haired heads nodded in unison.

As they walked away Julie insisted that she successfully asked if it hurts to use jock itch cream, whether it was re-useable, and if it would still work if she cut the tube in half, but for all I know she really asked them if they had seen the geek hanging out by the tampons. But who am I to question the ethics of a Southern Belle? Three points for Julie.

Hemorrhoidal Pads
I was undecided which of the three questions to ask first since they all seemed like legitimate questions to me. As I read the package over and over again, the descriptive words like ‘ soothing’, ‘cooling’, and ‘refreshing’ sounded so appealing that I was once again tempted to tear it open on the spot and test it right there in the aisle.

After what seemed like an eternity, a pregnant woman headed in my direction. I couldn’t believe my stroke of good fortune- who would understand hemorrhoids better than an expectant mother?! Unfortunately, my good luck was only illusory because she totally ignored my repeated “excuse me”s. When I decided to just plod ahead and follow her to the aspirin section, she turned and glared at me with contempt in her eyes. Not one to be easily dissuaded from my mission, I mustered up my courage and asked her if using the pads would hurt. “ Not as much as I’m going to hurt you if you don’t leave me alone” she snapped. In hindsight, I now realize I should’ve opened with my cutting-it-in-half question. Zero points for me.

Condoms
I was quite cocky heading into Julie’s condom round since all three questions seemed ludicrous when applied to prophylactics. She, on the other hand, was still filled with confidence from her jock cream success and taunted me for backing down from the mad mom-to-be. I informed her that she would not be awarded points if I couldn’t actually hear her ask the questions and that mere crotch-grabbing and hip swiveling would not be accepted this time.

What appeared to be a middle-aged mother with her twenty-something daughter advanced from our flank and I took a certain satisfaction in the look of defeat already apparent in Julie’s eyes. She dramatically overcompensated for her whispered tones with the elderly couple and shouted “EXCUSE ME!” far too loudly. Her decibel level caused me to start giggling and my giggling caused her to start snorting with laughter and by the time she had snorted out “ARE (snort) THESE (snort, snort) RE-USEABLE (snort, snort, snort), we were both squealing like a couple of hyperactive porpoises. The women apparently had no tolerance for ditzy dolphins since they practically ran Julie down with their cart in an effort to escape from our little Seaquarium sideshow. Zero points for Flipper.

Depend’s Briefs
The pressure was on. We were tied with four points apiece and this was our last round. It was anybody’s guess whether I would garner more assistance with my curiosity about incontinence or Julie would make a clean sweep with her upcoming stool softener queries.

My heart dropped into my stomach when the next person I saw was the same pregnant woman from ten minutes ago heading back down the aisle! Julie and I exchanged whispered arguments about whether the rules required that I approach the fearsome, hormonally-overloaded wench a second time. When Julie threatened to kick me in the gym sock, I reluctantly caved in and approached the lady with my Depend’s box in hand.

In my infinite wisdom, I recalled that opening with ‘Excuse me’ would prove futile, so I dove right in with “Do you know if these are re-useable?” Apparently she hadn’t had time to use the aspirin she had selected earlier and still had a fierce migraine since I could clearly make out the throbbing veins in her forehead as she spat out “Only an idiot would discuss p!ss with a total stranger!” (If she only knew!) Zero points for Hard-To-Please.

Stool Softener
Even though I was already painfully aware of the fact that if Julie scored even one point in this round she would win, she rubbed it in mercilessly and I was secretly plotting to slip at least a dozen stool softeners into her victory drink later that afternoon.

As I filled my head with pleasant thoughts of Julie overdosing on E-Lax, I caught a glimpse of a white-coated gentleman purposefully striding towards us. He politely asked if he could help us so Julie took the opportunity to go for the winning point. Imagine my surprise when the hooker with the Southern accent morphed into a French tart and responded with. “Oui! Will zees hurt when I use it, Monsieur?”

Apparently the Schnuck’s manager was deprived of enjoying Pepe LePew cartoons as a child since he was obviously not the least bit impressed with Julie’s Jacque Cousteau reincarnation and simply said “I’m afraid I must ask you to leave the store.” I couldn’t resist asking “What is zee problem?” and the manager seemed to relish the chance to answer that particular question.

Tapping his official Schnuck’s badge, he proudly proclaimed, “I am the Manager and we have received several complaints that you are harassing the other customers. Please make your purchase and leave immediately.” We protested to no avail and when he threatened to ‘call security’, I backed down. The image of being frisked by an old man and having my gym sock confiscated was enough to make me wimp out and agree to being escorted out of the store.

Conclusions

When buying groceries, do your product research before entering the store.
Agreeing to participate in a Write-Off with the members listed below is amazingly similar to removing a large sock from your underwear--- both lead to feelings of total inadequacy when you’re done.

This review is part of The Grocery Write Off . The participants in this write-off are AggieBrett,
Elvisdo, Hard_to_Please, JKKelley, Jsaunt, Kellydeal, Lobstergirl, Nathsmom,
PrfStars, Repulsemonkey, Sloucho, Sordid-1, Sundogg99, Tlimjoco,
29th_Candidate


Recommended: Yes