Listen Up Guys! Here are some rules you might want to follow.
Aug 28 '01
The Bottom Line "Planning" is the key word. Almost any proposal that's planned will be special. It's the spur of the moment ones that feel phoney.
Okay, so there aren't rules set in stone that predefine what a proposal is. But there should be. Just like many things in life, there are things that resemble proposals, but aren't, and the confusion can cause a lot of trouble. But first let me lay down my own rules for proposals, and then I'll explain my reasoning behind them.
1. You must have a ring when proposing.
2. You must get down on one knee.
3. You shouldn't do it in a public place where the proposal is the "main event."
Now let me explain why I think these rules should be followed (though there are exceptions, two out of three is your best bet.) First, the rule of having a ring. Most guys I know don't see why the ring is so necessary if the proposal is sincere. This is true. If the proposal is completely sincere and thought out, then technically the ring is a technicality. But usually the ring is actually a sign that the proposal is sincere, and planned. Why? Because a true proposal is not a spur of the moment thing. It is preceded by a lot of thinking about the girl, marriage, and whether you want those two to come together in some way.
Most guys would admit that proposing frightens them a little. The decision is nerve-wracking enough, followed by the purchase of the ring (the possible asking permission from the father) and then the problem of deciding how to do it. But the asking is decidedly easy when none of that stuff comes first. In that special moment when you look in her eyes, know you love her, and the thought of marriage seems appealing, saying "Marry me?" is a very simple thing. And also not very sincere. Sincerity comes when you've already done the purchasing, planning and thinking, and you still want to marry her. I know this because if just asking "Will you marry me?" was a proposal, I'd be engaged a few times over. I don't know what makes me so darn irresistable, but both my current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend have both at some point said (more than once actually) "Will you marry me?" I know they're saying it not only because they're in the moment, but also because they know it's not a real proposal. (Ha! I've caught them in their own lie!) Guys say you only need to ask, so why then does my current boyfriend ask this, I say yes, and yet we're not considered engaged? Because all that annoying crap that comes before is really necessary if you want the sincerity and assurance of a real proposal. Just like saying "I do" and kissing each other doesn't make you married, throwing out a random "marry me" doesn't make it a proposal, or make you engaged. Get it?
Now for rule number 2. Okay, I admit that it sounds a little harsh to make this a "rule" so let's just call it a strong suggestion. This is not about sincerity, but about making it more "real." While the ring helps with the reality of it all, getting down on one knee is the icing on the cake. The second a guy gets down on one knee it brings the proposal to her attention. I think this tradition might have come about just because it makes a great segue. You don't have to think of a way to bring up "Marry me" you just have to get down on one knee. Right then and there the proposal has started with minimal effort. The guy is now free to say his peace, or just start asking. If you think getting down on one knee is embarrassing, try saying your peace and then getting down just for the asking part. Though I didn't make it a rule, I highly recommend preceding the proposal with an "I love you because" speech that will outline why exactly you think she's so great. Not only will this warm her up for the proposal, but if you do it before you get down on one knee, she may think you're just incredibly sweet, and not realize it's a proposal. Getting down on one knee is also great if you're nervous. If your girl is the antsy type she may say yes the second you hit the ground, because she knows what's coming.
Finally, I feel very strongly about my public place rule, almost as strongly as having a ring. This rule has come about through observing actual public proposals. I don't mean seeing a guy propose to some girl in the park. If you don't know them, even if you can hear and see what's going on, it's not truly public. I'm talking about proposing at a family gathering, or better yet - onstage. I've encountered this type of proposal while at college. A few times a year we would have a "Friday Night Live" performance, that was basically our own version of SNL. The auditorium would be packed with about 2,000 people, and this is where someone got the idea of proposing. The first time the guy did it after the show, before anyone left. He called his girlfriend up and proposed. The second time was a year later. A couple was in a skit, and at one point the skit took a slight turn and the girl looked confused - until the guy pulled a ring out of his pocket. He dropped to one knee, popped right back up again, and they walked offstage. Yeah, he had a ring and got down on one knee - but where was the romance? First of all he had no time to say anything but "marry me" and luckily she said yes in front of all those people. Then the skit continued and everyone laughed about it. In fact at the next show the host called his girlfriend up and strung the audience along, making them think he was going to propose. The guy thought this was a cute idea - instead it became a joke. In fact, I was on my second date with my current boyfriend, and I turned to him and said "That was the most unromantic thing I have ever seen." Sure a proposal should be memorable (Hence my previous rules) but the fact that you propose right will be memorable, not the setting. Sure it will make for a great story, but it will also make for an embarrassing one if she says no. It also kills all the romance of the moment when all eyes are on you, and you don't have the ability to say anything really personal. And while the guy who proposed at Friday Night Live may have thought it was cute, he unfortunately made it memorable - for the audience. They broke it off a few months later - and while normally there may be a few hundred people who knew about it - in their case the entire school knew about the engagement, whether they knew them or not. By making the proposal public, you make everything that follows just as public.
With all of that said - I don't want anyone to think my rules are terribly rigid - just guidelines. Let's say you propose in the ocean. I personally think that's a wonderful idea. You're alone, it's romantic, and you just have to make sure your trunks have a pocket that close for the ring. I highly doubt anyone will care that you didn't get down on one knee (especially me.)
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cloverk
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