Vomiting- The good news for hopeful parents to be
Sep 02 '01
The Bottom Line This information has been labelled accurate by the "Lawnchair Philosophers of America" and the country of Libya.
*P.S. I figured I would put this first in case someone really gets offended by this. I am just having fun. If you are seriously researching morning sickness and wish to actually obtain information that hasn't been made up a whole 15 minutes ago then you may want to read elsewhere. This review is a more comedic and "manly" look at morning sickness. In no way am I anywhere near as much as a horrible man-pig as I will certainly appear in this review, but I admit I did get a really good laugh writing it. I only hope you have as much fun reading it. Enjoy. If you don't like it, you can always write hate mail in the comment section.
WITHOUT COMMENTS WE ALL MIGHT AS WELL BE MIA FARROW ON BAD DRUGS
Morning sickness is caused by evil spirits inside of people. Rosemary's Baby comes to mind. Everyone has evil spirits inside of them, but every man who has been around a pregnant woman know that these evil sentient creatures like to loiter especially inside of the expecting mother. There used to be cures for morning sickness throughout the ages, beheading and burning at the stake were some of the favorites and known to have 100
percent success, but religeous reform of the renesseance have oafishly banned the use of these practices.
Now, in a more kinder and gentler society, all a man can do to help appease the evil spirits is to feed his beloved woman pickles, ice cream, cookies with hot sauce.. Whatever the foul spirits within demand her to consume. No more instant banishment of these pestilent metaphysical gremlins. A remedy of rabbit blood painted on the skin with chicken feet, along with making powerful drogues out of voodoo shamanic properties, is reported to toally cure the evil affliction- but it is only rumor. No one seems to know for sure.
The main cause of Morning Sickness- aka the "this is only a small taste of what is to come" affliction, is supposedly brought on by the evil and guilt of the mother-to-be becoming too much for her to bear. This causes anxiety and apparent fatigue- although this is caused by the trauma of having to end her crazy "MTV video" ways and become a mother, not really by any chemical imbalance that "scientists" think is the cause of the issue. Some have speculated that the unwillingness to let their husbands buy expensive, impractical tools to be the cause of the curse. Scientists have noticed a corelation between a lack of expensive, virtually useless tools and extreme cases of morning sickness. Apparently God likes a nice workshop. And, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't Jesus a carpenter? Well then, wouldn't you want to score as many brownie points as you can anyway? One would think so. Yet they still scoff at men making their weekly pilgrimage to the local hardware store- daring God to strike them down with morning sickness. They think it can't happen to them. But it can.
How do we prevent morning sickness? No one knows for sure. The mere nature of morning sickness is not understood by society. Since men cannot use this particular ailment when playing hookie from work it has gone unresearched by many. But in fact, if more men would becaome interested in this terrible condition and find out what causes it then perhaps we could utilize this and turn it on and off whenever we want to- perhaps hook it up to a garage door opener styled device to threaten to use to further our own selfish goals and allow us more trips to the hardware store. If we could harness the power of morning sickness and conjure it at will to fall upon our significant other we could go shopping for new cars we can't afford or actually attempt to figure out the lawn mower engine (albeit unsuccessfully) with impunity.
This condition has also been referred to as nausea in the morning (females) and vomiting in the morning (females)... I noticed they put the (females) part in there as if I didn't know how the birds and the bees worked. Being the father of two children I was never paid a visit by any storks- so obviously it must be the female of our species that is the proud host of the ever elusive avian newborn delivery specialist. I wonder if the stork uses tools while performing the necessary job skills required to safely escort that bundle of joy to the expecting mother. I bet they do.
Now then, there was a helpful list of considerations to... consider... when having morning sickness, and I noticed letting your husband buy more tools wasn't on the list so I cannot vouch how reliable this article was that I read, but in parenthesis I added my own comments to further assist the sufferring mother-to-be.
Call Your Health Care Provider If
morning sickness does not improve, despite trying home remedies.(unless the home remedy was a bottle of vodka)
you are vomiting blood or material that looks like coffee grounds. (unless you eat coffee grounds, then that should be normal)
more than 2 pounds of total body weight is lost. (not likely if you keep eating all that ice cream and twinkies because "the baby is hungry".. Where is that morning sickness remote control when we need it?)
there is prolonged, severe vomiting which can cause dehydration and malnutrition. (Oh, come on, half of the girls I grew up with vomited at least that much before prom and it was perfectly fine back then.. What makes now so different?)
Regardless of the resons why, the fact still stands that women all over are sufferring from morning sickness. After reading many of folks without morning sickness may have vomited due to witnessing my poor writing skills. Just be glad that you only were nauseated by my writing- something that after a few minutes you will surely forget because nothing that I produce seems to have any memorable quality to it. Imagine if you were a month or so pregnant and every morning you felt like you have just read one of my reviews- the horror .. . It must be stopped.
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