Your Guide to Actual Weapon Preparation
Sep 03 '01
The Bottom Line Pretend Weapons provide the optimum training experience in preparation for actual weapon usage.
One of the most important decisions an individual can make in life concerns their choice of weaponry. In addition to the serious financial investment, weapon ownership places a huge burden of responsibility on the weapon owner. The inherent health risks to one’s self and others make preparation for weapon ownership absolutely necessary. Pretend weapons allow potential weapon owners to simulate these risks under safer circumstances. The potential weapon owner may then evaluate the dangers of actual weapon ownership, select the weapon of his or her choice, and familiarize him or herself with that weapon before making an actual purchase.
The Parker Brothers divide weaponry into six major sub-groups: the revolver group, the knife group, the rope group, the lead pipe group, the candlestick group, and, finally, the wrench group. One may locate and purchase pretend weapons corresponding to each of these six groups of actual weapons with varying degrees of difficulty. Often—with the revolver group, for example—one may find it rather easy to locate actual weaponry at WalMart or one of its subsidiaries, but may find it rather difficult to purchase satisfactory pretend weaponry in preparation for a revolver purchase. In addition, preparation for the purchase of any weapon in any of the six groups, and also the recently recognized poison group, should be approached in a specific and distinct manner—with the proper preparation procedure differing from group to group.
Repulsemonkey recommends the use of imaginary weapons even before beginning practice with pretend weapons. One may simulate lead pipes, candlesticks and wrenches by curving one’s fingers into an “O” shape, raising one’s arm above one’s head, and swiftly bringing it down upon an imaginary assailant. After a couple of times, this motion should begin to feel natural, and you may move on to horizontal and diagonal arm swings.
Hold an imaginary dagger as you would hold a spatula and thrust your arm forward into your imaginary assailant. Once your arm has been fully extended, twist your wrist slightly to either side for maximum imaginary pain. Again, once comfortable with the basic knife movement, you may want to replicate the motions required of the imaginary lead pipes, candlesticks and wrenches in order to practice “hack and slash knifery.”
Experts have found it best to first practice imaginary rope handling on one’s self by picturing a noose around one’s neck and extending one’s arm above one’s head as if hanging one’s self. If you like, hold an empty Tic-Tac container in the opposite hand and crack it to replicate the sound of a neck snapping. Once this has been perfected, move on to tripping or lassoing imaginary assailants and proceeding to whip or strangle them. Note that actual people will most likely not respond to your imaginary trip-wires and lassoes, unless they are on the dance floor.
Practice the art of the imaginary revolver by holding your index finger and forefinger together, curling your pinkie and ring finger toward your palm, and pointing your thumb directly up in the air. Practice shooting for accuracy and speed by bringing your thumb down toward your forefinger and saying, “BANG!” or the increasingly popular alternative, “Pchshwwwww.” Note that imaginary revolver handing will not work without the accompanying noises.
Once you begin to feel comfortable with your imaginary weapons, move on to pretend weapons. Fashion pretend switchblades with rubber bands and Popsicle sticks, substitute scarves and ties for ropes, PVC can stand in for lead when it comes to pipes, and one may easily twist scrap-metal into a makeshift wrench—the important thing here is to use your imagination. Craft or purchase a pretend weapon that simulates the proposed actual weapon both in size and in function. Once you have found your pretend weapon, begin a series of elaborate tests to evaluate your level of satisfaction with your weapon of choice. Keep a notebook handy and record your observations.
Test #1: Throw your pretend weapon at an inanimate target.
Does the weapon come back to you? Does the inanimate object sustain any damage? If so, to what degree? Did the weapon make a noise upon impact? Was that noise solid, or squishy? Upon throwing your weapon, did any casual observers laugh at you? Out loud? In the case of the revolver group, did the pretend gun accidentally go off when it hit the ground? Did you forget to load it with pretend bullets? After releasing the pretend weapon, did you keep a calm, cool demeanor or proceed to do the “Yipee, I just launched my pretend weapon” dance?
Test #2: Use your pretend weapon on the neighbor’s child.
Was there any bleeding involved? If so, how much? Was the blood gushing or merely trickling? Did the child register any pain? If so, was it a dull pain or a sharp pain? Use your weapon on the child again—did he feel the same pain, or was the pain different this time? Did the child attempt to fight back, or did he cower at your awesome strength and ingenuity? Threaten to use your weapon again—how does he react? Did he spit at you? Did he take your threat seriously? Did he throw dirt in your face and run? Did he go inside and tell his mommy-wommy like a little baby-waby?
Test #3: Use the pretend weapon on yourself.
Was there any bleeding involved? Did you feel pain? If so, how much? Would you tell your friends, or would they think you a weakling? Would you do it again? Would you let someone else do it to you? What if they paid you? Did you use the weapon properly on yourself? Did you feel dirty? Did you feel excited? Did you feel power comparable to that of wielding an actual weapon? Could you use the weapon on yourself in case you happened to be captured by enemy spies?
When you begin to feel comfortable handling your pretend weapon, ask yourself if you feel ready to move on to actual weaponry. If the answer is “Yes,” remember that you may always return to your pretend weapons for practice or fun. Remember: though pretend weapons have a charm of their own, they do not hurt people nearly as effectively as actual weapons. However, pretend weapons do retain a certain advantage when used against pretend assassins, especially boogey-men. For further information on pretend weapons, feel free to contact Sordid-1, Epinions’ resident pretend weapons expert and former self-appointed advisor in How to Use Action Figures and Sets.
This guide has been brought to you by The What the Hell Is This Category Here For Write-Off, sponsored by Mattels and in conjunction with the following, far less useful authors: Dantesguide, BigMatt, Kris-Kochanski, Teddiec, Biggs219, Jsallen, mattygroves, Priyatha, arielssong, Vormancian, Mnehr, deaser26, emptywishes, sumo_rhino, thom413, and matt_harney.
Keep an eye peeled for the next in the series, “What You Should Know About Driving Pretend Automobiles,” followed by “What You Should Know About Talking to Pink Elephants” and finally, “The Truth About the Easter Bunny.” Thank you for reading.
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