|
|
How to care for Epileptic Groin RetainersSep 23 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Sport and Outdoor
The Bottom Line After much romping, my nether regions felt as if they had been pleasured by an Agfhan camel named Habib. 'Nuff said!
Bike Protective Cups, I'd drink my Starbucks from one any day! Why would a company called Bike make a cup? I, as sure as Master Kinzo Kintatro, would not wish to ride a bike wearing something that resembles a medieval cod piece slathered with cream cheese! The chafing would be most sadistic and my tender parts would soon be chafed to the point of me being a truly androgynous android of less than epic contortions! I can best equate it to having ones bottom endure a rather randy hot sand enema as administered by an epileptic Afghan sheik riding a unicycle. The cup is too bulky for my liking, although well endowed in the love muscle region, I find it too bulky for the martial arts or any form of art involving a person by the name of Marshall. The size makes any groin on ground contact most unbearable, referring to pushups and cobra stretches you dirty fiend! Yet there was once a time that I did lust for a spongy piece of workout mat to call my own…… Well, I feared my tender loins would soon implode into the dark and smoldering viscera that is known only to my pet parakeet Jacob and the wooden spatula with which I preen his nubile form. Cladding oneself in such a cup can only be equated to wearing a rather cheap rendition of a Latvian chastity belt formed by the crotch of a balding shaman named Vermeel von Kumpeldink. The cup itself is formed out of hard white inconspicuous plastic as to hide any accidents brought on by the excitement of having ones crotch imminently pummeled by a portly Asian smelling of Tiger Balm. The aforementioned cup is rimmed with a rather chewy and tasty ring of vulcanized/quadro-ionized rubber to improve crotch on cup comfort and to provide the wearer the ability to keep his crab infestation from bringing the entire dojo to it’s knees. Lest I be picky, but the rubber ring doesn’t help a great deal, and the painful chafing it causes can only be equated to having a rather crusty lady of the night perform renditions of Madame Butterfly on you knob while chewing broken glass. Ventilation of “the naughty bits” is yet another problem I have run into while hopping and skipping about in this cup of champions, the problem is, there is no ventilation! The cup itself only provides three small ventilation holes, which with high speed activity is nullified! After a short while you’re “Zen Zone” will have risen in temperature to that of a Russian sauna and Mr. Winky will begin to shrivel and atrophy at an alarming rate! The pain will soon turn to a kind of sadistic euphoria as you mind floats away to a small Russian Borscht factory where odd Russian men named Vlad await to flick your glistening wet body with unfinished pine limbs………. The heat is so extreme, that condensation occurs within the cup! Yes, it is that wonderful, that titillating, that arousing! The jockstrap ensures that no sweat seeps through as it too is made of some out-of-this-world material, and seepage seems all but impossible! Yet having your own groin greenhouse does have its pros! Firstly, it supplies you with a rather pungent if not salty drink when you’re in need of some dire refreshment while on the run! It smells a tad bit groiny but if you can drink your own urine, you can drink your own groin seepage! Yummy! Secondly, if you have a green thumb, filling the cup with high grade soil is recommended, into which you can plant various vegetables and wildlife for your own self contained groinosphere! Who ever needed power bars? After a while the rubber begins to reek quite badly of onions and fermented apricots for some odd reason! I recommend that you do not sniff the cup, for after you’ve sniffed it once you will sniff it many a more times over as your fetish builds into an uncontrolled love for the inner contents of soggy jockstraps! I’m in therapy at the moment. The jockstrap is yet another painful piece of equipment! The cup fits into a rather constricted pouch which one buttons up with two pop thing-a-ma-jigs. This makes closing the little pouch quite a chore and the resulting closing of the pouch seals the cup into an almost impregnable fortress of testosterone! And another thing, the damn straps pinch my rosy bottom with the deft skill of a wrinkled old lady feeling prunes in a Estonian market! I do not recommend this for obvious reason, but for all it’s worth, its size does make a rather good boasting point and the imposing throb of ones inner sanctum does much to unsettle even the most skilled of martial artists turning them into a quivering blob of Tofu!  |
| Write the first comment on this review! |
|
Ads by Google
|
