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When you constantly feel you're not good enough...Oct 11 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line This Epinion is directed mostly at people that are enduring a significant relationship break up, and have suicidal thoughts. (non-profit essay) This review is dedicated too all of the people out there that are feeling heart ache, and pain. It is mostly directed at people enduring a relationship break up, and have been thinking about suicide. I have it in the competition section because everyone compares themselves to everyone else... If only they knew what comparison could actually do for them. Please note, this is an essay epinion, in a non-profit category. "Dear Diary..." I am not feeling motivated at all. Ever since I got laid off, I can easily pass a day without doing much of anything. I know it's minor depression, but I'm doing okay. It's not nearly as bad as it was while I was at that government job. I went to see a psychiatrist (free because of the benefits) and admitted to the first person ever that I have huge suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure if I would ever do it, but it almost seems as though I'm possessed to constantly think of the ways I could do it. At work, I could never walk over the walk way, without looking at the ground below, thinking about how easy it would be to just hop over. Or, in the apartment, I could just jump out of the window whenever Aaron and I were arguing, and then that would be it. Conversation over! I've thought of slitting my wrists, but I think I would start to regret it afterwards, and I'm sure it takes a couple of minutes to die, at least. So, that's out. I could take a drug overdose, but whenever I've done any drugs, things seem much better, and so I'd probably realize how stupid it was. I can't hang myself because it runs in the family. (ha ha. Two uncles. Only kinda funny. Not close in relation, but still.) It would take too much out of my Grandma. And lastly, I could get into a car accident. But then I keep thinking that I could hurt someone else too, and I don't want that at all. I could go 100 mph into a cement pillar (on a highway) but what if I lived, and spent the rest of my life as a quadriplegic, unable to finish the job? Granted, I would sure want to finish it then! And so, I guess I'll just have to continue living. Guys aren't worth it. I love my family. And they are the only thing in life that won't change. Guys will change. Everyone can fall in love more than once. Friends come and go. Money comes and vanishes... Grades won't be stressed over in 10 years, school will be over. When family is the only constant, why would anyone want to hurt them? Because, ultimately, they are the ones that will live the consequences. To the people who read this diary that have suicidal thoughts and tendencies, keep that in mind. If you kill yourself over a guy, he will eventually date someone else anyway. Why hurt the only people that will be in your life in 20 years? Your mother will never forget the daughter who killed herself. Your ex-boyfriend will. When I'm feeling particularly suicidal, this is what I do... and, rather obviously, it has always helped. (otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.) I think about how I could kill myself. And I get creative. Let's see... I could flag someone down on the street, and steal their car. Then crash it. I could take my bike on top of a really big hill, disconnect the brakes, and cruise down. Into traffic. I could hop a fence into a shady repossession lot. (Where banks call to have the cars repossessed when you haven't made your loan payment.) And get mauled by dogs. Okay, this is disgusting... But when you start thinking of the absolute ludicrous ideas, you begin to shake your head and smile. Hey, if the thoughts won't go away, you might as well play with them. If you're feeling particularly sad, say what you're feeling out loud, or write it down, no matter where you are. Chances are, hearing and reading it from a somewhat objective view point will make you put things into perspective. Lately, when I've been having all of these relationship problems, I think of this: I could cry because I am not feeling loved. I could get jealous because my boyfriend slept with another woman. I could scream because I just got another bill... BUT... the spouses of the victims of the WTC attack will be crying longer than me. They have worse problems. They will never GET to be jealous again, of the person they lost. The bills seem pretty small in comparison. Right at THIS SECOND, there are thousands of people in the world with more problems than you. Afghan women who are being shot, women sitting beside grave sites, murders, rapes, car accidents... When I think of these things, my pain goes away... And then I feel almost selfish for having such simple, little problems. I *should* be out there, living my life to the fullest... I'm one tiny grain in a huge world of problems... There are thousands of people in the world, that right at this very second, would give *anything* to be me. Simple Me. And that's all I have to say about that! I'm going to turn the music up and do a little chair dance... you know the kind. Where you move your shoulders, and your neck, etc, but you're just too lazy to get up off the chair and dance for real? Thanks for reading... I really appreciate it, and all comments that may come...  |
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