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Challenges of being a working Father...Look towards the bigger picture...Oct 22 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line There are offsets to the challenges of being a working father. You just have to look within to find them. When I first stumbled across this topic, I immediately thought about its sexist subject matter - that is until I noticed that there was a topic related to the challenges of a working Mother. Phew! For a moment, I thought Epinions was stuck back in the 1950's. Glad I was wrong. As some of you might know, I'm a relatively new father. My daughter, Rebecca, was born back in July of 2000, so I've officially been a father figure for about 15 months now. But it took a far shorter period of time for me to be painfully aware of the challenges I was facing as a working parent. Let's face it, when you are first presented with your little bundle of joy, it's rather hard to let go of her - even to allow your anxious mother a first hold. To think about leaving her behind for 8-12 hours or more a day is positively nauseating. During the first precious weeks of her life, I found myself working at break-neck speeds to insure I would be leaving on time (not always possible in my line of work) and then rushing home to spend what little time I had with her before starting the whole work-day routine all over again. It wasn't easy at first, but eventually I came to appreciate and recognize that for every negative and sad feeling I was having about leaving my first child at home while I went off to bring home the bacon, there was a positive and somewhat happy offsetting feeling. Keeping that in perspective has made being a working parent somewhat more tolerable, but more importantly it has made me appreciate every moment I do have to spend with my daughter - especially now as she's growing and changing right before my eyes. So, what are those positive offsets I was speaking of? Well, there are several...and as I indicated, they're all related to common feelings we all have as working parents. Guilt vs. Security We all feel it. A twang of guilt every time we leave in the morning. Even in the very beginning, when our child(ren) are too young to even know you're gone, the problem is that you know it. You feel guilty about leaving them, even if it's only for a few hours a day. "What if something happens? I should be there for her." you might think. "What if she needs me..." - common thought running through your mind. What if, what if what if... all legitimate worries, and all perfectly normal. Does that make them right? Does that make them 'okay' to ignore? No, of course not. We all have it built within us to protect and care for our children. Being 'forced' to separate from them even for short periods of time takes a lot of time and patience to get used to. And I'm sure many of us never get fully used to it - even years and years later into their lives. But there is an offset to this, sometimes overwhelming, feeling. It's security. It's hard enough today to raise a child, what with all of the problems in the world, the expenses involved, the time and suffering we all go through. But your time at work does far more than just insure that the bills are being paid. You are working to help establish a future for your offspring. Your securing that everything your little sweetheart needs - be that food, a nice home, warmth or that stuffed cow toy that she can't live without - will be available for her. And more so, you're insuring her future. Yes, we all need to work (except for those fortunate few who nailed the Lotto or hit it big in Vegas) but I'm not going to sit here and say 'deal with it - we're all in the same boat'. That would be easy, but that wouldn't be 'helpful' :) But what I will do is tell you to remember that you're trying to make a better world for your children - perhaps better than the world we were all brought up in. That, especially today, is challenging enough. But when you feel that separation guilt creep up, just remember - your child will thank you for supporting here in ways she may not appreciate or understand today - but will in the future. Loneliness vs. Expectation This is a tough one. Especially early on with your first child. Flat out, you miss them during the day. And no number of pictures or drawings adorning your office/cube/work area of/by them will ever make up for actually being with them. It's hard to accept that your child is quickly growing up, yet you're not witnessing every moment. My daughter's first 'crawl' happened while I was at work - that will never come again. Her first hand clap, her first steady standing on her own two feet - all of them happened while I was at work - and I missed them all. And I'm sure to miss more 'firsts' as the coming weeks, months and years go by. But most of all, I just miss being around 'her'. Playing with her. Caring for her. Her. But I deal with the loneliness in two ways. First, since she's with her mother at Day Care, I call several times a day to check up on her. It keeps me in touch with her day so I can live it through virtual means. But mostly, I deal with the pang of pain that's associated with missing her by looking forward to seeing her again later that day. Yes, the expectation of coming home and hearing her little pitter-patter of feet rushing to hug me - well, it almost makes up for missing her all the day long. And that's a great feeling to have inside of you - that expectation. Seeing her round the corner with a big smile on her face. Knowing that she missed you as much as you missed her. Knowing that she's as happy that you're home as you are to be home...well, like I said, that almost makes it worth the loneliness. So use that expectation to help you cope. It'll make your day go by a little faster and a little easier. Negative Feelings vs. Positive Feelings This might be the hardest one to cope with. Most of us have stress in our lives, and that stress is typically magnified at work. How do we leave that stress, that pressure, the worries all at the office so it doesn't impact our short-lived time at home with our children and our wives? (er, make that wife...don't want to give you the wrong idea ;) Well, I wish I had the magic answer to that one, but I don't. All I can do is suggest that you attempt to offset those negative emotions with some positive ones. Most of us have a buffer zone in that our commute time between the office and home is, let's say, 30 minutes on the average. That's the time you need to use to offset those negative feelings with positive ones. Okay, putting aside the aggravation of traffic that we all endure, play some music. Let your mind wander (just don't let your car wander), relax...think about who you're going home to. The point is, do whatever is necessary to expel the negative out of your mind and body and replace it with the positive. Sure, it's easy for me to sit here and say that and quite another to actually do it. I'm guilty of coming home with a hot head from time to time (more than I want to admit). But I try and take the time to breath so I don't accidentally erupt towards my family with some stress relief. Sure, my wife would understand, but would my 15 month old daughter? That thought keeps me in check - and maybe it'll help you too. We all have problems, we all have stress, we all have worries. But look at the big picture here. You've been blessed with a family. Make the most of it because time flies - whether your having fun or not. Enjoy it while you're living in it. With 15 months on the job, I certainly don't pretend to have all, or most, of the answers to the issues facing working parents, but I hope that perhaps I reminded you of a few options that you have in your power that can make the entire situation just a little more bearable. And if it makes you just a little happier, then that happiness will spread to your family. What more can you ask for? Thanks, as always, for reading...  |
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