ITCH RELIEF: MY VAGINA ITCHED LIKE A TROUT IN MILK!Nov 26 '01 (Updated Jun 24 '02) Write an essay on this topic.
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I was originally going to do a comedic rant about female dogs relieving themselves, ala Saturday Night Live’s Emily Latilla, which would have ended with the trademark “Oh its itch relief! Never mind.” However, I did not want to risk offending anyone with profanity (although that is the technical term for a female dog) or get accused of being off topic, so I decided to write about my vagina, instead. Let me tell you about my vagina. Generally speaking it is very healthy and it has served me well in life. I have my complaints about it here and there, but for the most part things run pretty smoothly down there. It wasn’t always like that, though. Nope. I used to get yeast infections all the time. The yeast infection, which is caused by a fungus known as candida, is probably the most common of all vaginal infections. In my opinion, it is the most annoying of all the things that itch me in life. Several years ago I went through a long period of chronic yeast infections and I tried many different treatments, some of which were more effective than others. I will share with you about the unmentionable itch, its causes, and its treatments. The bulk of my information comes from my own experience, conversations with medical professionals, and from my friend, “Marion,” who is the queen of candida. The symptoms of a yeast infections include a white discharge, which can be of the consistency of cottage cheese (small curd, please). It has an earthy, but not unpleasant fragrance. This discharge is just loaded with little fungus, which for some reason itch like a son-of-a-itch! The vagina and surrounding area burn, itch, swell, turn red, and remind you that life can be very uncomfortable. Don’t even think of have vaginal intercourse when you have an infection because not only is it possible to give it to your partner, but it will bring you more pain than you ever bargained for! Normally everyone has the candida fungus in small amounts in our various orifices, and it is kept in check by healthy bacteria in our bodies. Yes, that’s right, ladies, there is an ecosystem thriving in your crotch! Now that ecosystem can be thrown off, which causes those nasty little fungi to thrive and take over. The next thing you know, you are off to the bathroom to scratch your itchy vulva with toilet paper, I found that the best satisfaction comes from wetting the toilet paper, it removes more curds that way. There can be a number of different things which can cause your vagina to “start baking bread”, as some people call it. They include: 1 Menstruation 2 Pregnancy 3 Certain medicines (antibiotics, steroids, some oral contraceptives) 4 Diabetes 5 Constant moisture and irritation of the vagina (think tight wet bathing suits) My worst infection was caused by being on antibiotics for six weeks when I had pneumonia. My poor vagina and surrounding areas were inflamed and red and the exterior developed scary looking brown blotches! I didn’t do anything about it at first because I knew that as long as I was on antibiotics, I’d keep getting infections. This was a mistake, don’t wait as long as I did that time to get treatment. I refer to that infection as my pneumonia-related- crotch- rot. Normally, I would have gone with an over the counter cream, like Monistat, but since I had never had such dramatic symptoms before, I decided to see my gynecologist. This was very good judgement because my gynecologist said an infection as bad as that would not respond to over the counter treatments. She gave me a powerful prescription, which worked like a charm! My crotch-rot receded and my vagina returned to normal, with no scarring. I recently had to go on a 3-week course of treatment for sinus infections. The first thing I thought of was my pneumonia-related-crotch-rot. My doctor told me I could not take the creams for that long a period and, although there is a prescription pill which can help control fungus, it would probably have limited results. Well, I was beside myself! My gynecologist suggested I take over the counter acidophilus capsules to try and control the yeast. Acidophilus is the bacteria found in yogurt, and there is evidence that it helps control candida. I went to Marion, the candida queen, and she told me to go to my local health food store and get the highest dose they have, but to make sure I get the kind that needs refrigeration. I followed Marion’s advice and took it four times a day; sure enough I barely had any infection at all! Marion also advises using boric acid. Yes, boric acid, the natural roach poison! You can get capsules made up by prescription, but that means going to a small specialty pharmacy, CVS and the like won’t do it. You can also make up your own suppositories with vegetable gel capsules, but I don’t recommend doing this, as you have no way to measure the dose. Do not take boric acid orally! There are things you can do to reduce the chances of getting a yeast infection: 1 Don't wear tight-fitting or synthetic-fiber clothes below the waist. 2 Wear cotton underwear, not nylon. This is not very sexy, but your groin likes to breathe and candida dislikes air. Of course you can just go commando (without underwear). 3 Don't wear pantyhose or tights, I find that stockings and a garter belt more than make up for the cotton panties and let your crotch breath. 4 Use your blow dryer on a low setting to dry your vaginal area after you shower or bathe, and before you get dressed. 5 Wipe from front to back after peeing or having a good poop. 6 Change out of a wet swimsuit or damp clothes as soon as you can. 7 Don't douche or use feminine hygiene sprays or bubble bath. 8 Don't use colored or perfumed toilet paper, tampons, sanitary napkins, etc. Several years ago, when I had chronic recurring infections, I did all of these and still had recurrences. I started eating a container of yogurt with live cultures everyday and that was the turning point. I finally stopped getting recurrences! So, in order to avoid those bathroom itch trips with wet toilet paper, treat your privates right! I would like to make a special thanks to the members of Epinions Integrity for helping to inspire the title of this editorial.  |
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