Just twiddle your thumbs!Dec 10 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Preconception keeps my house smelling fresh and clean. This is mean to be a companion piece to Imokliel’s fine instructions on how to make a child: Don't Just Twiddle Your Thumbs - Enlightenment in the Face of Redundancy Part Two, you should read it first or else this won’t make much sense. I wrote this (or some of it anyway) because I felt a point/counter-point was needed for those of you out there looking to avoid the miracle of birth. So, you are thinking of never taking that giant leap into the most responsible of responsibilities, parenthood. You have evaluated your financial situation, emotional stability and all of the other prerequisites for being a responsible parent and have decided that, with just you, your wife and your dog, your family tree is too damn big already. Now you have the problem of the day to solve, which is how you are going to go about having lots of sex, but not getting pregnant. Obviously, babies are not delivered by storks, as mommy and daddy once told you. Instead, a woman must endure pregnancy for nine months to have their baby delivered by a doctor in a twisted scene of blood and primal screams. So, in order to avoid this pregnancy and the ensuing madhouse in the delivery room, you must keep yourselves from getting pregnant. Being that I am never going to be the father of anyone, I have a working knowledge of what exactly it takes to not become impregnated. There are but a few rules that need to be followed in order to remain childless, supposing that neither you nor your partner is sterile. If either one of you is sterile you’re all set! Sex for you must be a squishy, worry free tour de force! But for the rest of you, unsterile, fertile non-conceivers, I have decided to help you out in true consumer-looking-to-make-an-even-better-buying-decision-fashion, with a checklist. Make sure to follow each and every one of the rules illustrated below, as failure to do so can easily result in your becoming impregnated. 1. Have lots of sex – Look, just because you don’t want a kid doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be having lots of sex. Sex is great fun and, although sex makes babies, sex also makes funny noises and stained sheets. 1 plus 1 doesn’t have to make 2 people! Just as more alcohol increased Dr. Johnny Fever’s reflexes, more safe sex will increase you awareness of the fact that you do not want children. “But wait!” I hear you say, “how can I have lots of sex if I don’t know what sex is?” Well, like the man said, insert pickle, release mayonnaise. 2. DO take birth control pills - They are called birth control pills for a reason. If you, as a woman, want to have lots of sex and still control your birth rate, take birth control pills. Take one, and only one, every morning of every day in the week. If you want to be cautious and make sure you don’t forget, do what my wife does and keep them by your toothbrush. This way you will always be reminded to take them as soon as you brush your teeth. If you are forgetting to brush your teeth, you probably aren’t having lots of sex and therefore don’t really need the pills after all. 3. DO use condoms – Condoms are sleek and stylish and fun. They do a great job of preventing semen, and thus sperm, from hitting it’s intended target, the ovaries. In case you never read Imokliel’s piece, once your sperm hits her ovaries, it’s game over man. While you’re at it why not use condoms with spermicide? Just like the best drugs, condoms with spermicide provide twice the killing power and twice the fun. All in all, condoms should be used on every occasion unless and until you are married. People in general can’t be trusted, but you can trust yourself, so why not put on that jimmy hat and save yourself the ulcer? 4. DO pull out - I know it looks fun in the pornos, and you know what? It is! But pulling out and releasing the boys all over the woman’s chest (stomach, face, whatever) is not a sure-fire way to stay childless. You see, as Imokliel stated before, the intended target of the semen and sperm in this whole cat and mouse game is the ovaries. Much to the chagrin of many a breeder, pulling out is probably the least reliable form of birth control. You see the folks in the pornos have more immediate issues to deal with than worrying about reproducing, namely the fact that they have run out of smack, their car just broke down, and they need to do 13 films this week just to make rent. Trust me, none of these porno guys is working up a good money shot just to keep from impregnating Julie Jiggles. They do it because they love their job, and they want to get paid. 5. Have lots of sex – Yeah, I know that there’s plenty of other ways to keep from getting pregnant, but I’m going with a theme here people, work with me. Practice makes perfect, and if you practice having lots of sex without the undesired outcome, pretty soon it’ll be as easy as falling off a log. There is an old adage that says, and I quote, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t buy him a big screen TV if you’ve got to pay for private school.” Truer words have never been spoken, to my knowledge. And that’s about it. If you really are serious about not wanting to have a baby, you need to get a vasectomy. Hell, I’ve been thinking about it. Although I must admit that cutting up the jewels is a really unappealing prospect for me. Then again the heart disease and blood clots in the leg that result in long-term pill taking aren’t a very attractive prospect for my wife either. I hope that I have helped all those don’t-wannbe parents out there, and given you a good point from which to launch your campaign.  |
| Read all comments (9)|Write your own comment |
