The chronology of a cataclysmic crush. Dec 28 '01 (Updated Jan 30 '02)    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Music Jersey Boys [Original Broadway Cast Recording] by Original Broadway Cast From $8 Mai by Eri Sugai From $4 The Bottom Line Learning your lesson doesn't necessarily make life any easier. Over my three decades of living, I have had innumerable unhappy crushes on people -- straight men, straight women, gay men, straight men who were involved with straight women. My indiscretions have been many, as have my broken hearts. As I approach my 31st birthday in less than three weeks, I find myself spending the bulk of my vacation ruminating the last year, otherwise known as 2001: A Dysfunction Odyssey. It was during this time that I had a miserable, stupefying, eternally aching crush on one of my friends, known to faithful readers as Audio Pimp Daddy. I spent embarrassing amounts of time fawning over him behind closed doors, on the phone with my best friends Willie and Sky, and directly to the man himself. That's right, I told P. Daddy point-blank that I had a crush on him. The reason I pulled this utterly ludicrous stunt is because way back in my college 20s, I had a devastating crush on a gorgeous, smart, creative, (surreptitiously) nice, reticent fellow. And I never told him about it, and he manipulated the hell out of me (and I out of him), until the climactic moment in a dorm parking lot when I took a swing at him during a blowout and barely missed his jaw. Our relationship continued for six more months, when a final dramatic blowout via email left me hateful and desolate. It took me many, many moons to get over the first boy completely. When the process was finally complete three years and one boyfriend later, I vowed to extract a cosmically significant lesson from the entire debacle. The very next time I felt a massive crush coming on, I swore to myself that I would tell the person up front and deal with the ramifications in an open forum. Audio Pimp Daddy and I have been friendly acquaintances since I met Sky in the fall of 1993 (an entirely different kind of story, altogether). Since graduating and moving our separate ways, the typical routine was that I would get two phone calls a year from the Daddy, filling me in on his latest ambitions and newest Girl Thing. We'd talk and laugh, and then we'd hang up and go about our lives. We planned about one outing a year, typically a Soul Coughing concert (may they rest in peace). It was loose, it was casual, and it was All Good. Sadly, I unwittingly broke the laws of the universe by planning two extra get-togethers revolving around last New Year's Eve. This disturbing trend of increased contact continued into 2001, the catalyst being a supernaturally astounding, hand-crafted CD that Pimp Daddy had made for Sky and I was permitted to hear. It continued on with my sudden spiked interest in Other Music (both the genre and the store), sound engineering, and high-end stereo equipment (my Sennheiser and Parasound reviews say it all). And then the crush came with a vengeance. At first, I dismissed it as nothing more than a renewed enthusiasm for my friendship with the man. But it didn't go away for a variety of reasons, not all of which have to do with him. In fact, the crush itself barely had anything to do with the fact that he's a gorgeous, intelligent, creative, (genuinely) nice, reticent fellow. I've always been extremely self-sufficient in the heartache department, and thus the spiral began again. Over the course of the past year, the crush has gone through its many painful phases. Phase One is that of denial -- "Our friendship is growing. I just forgot how cool it is to hang out with him. I don't have a crush on him; I just really, really like him. Really." At some point in May, I finally came to grips with the fact that my feelings for him were frighteningly similar to those that I had for the first boy, and I panicked. I had a mad crush on my friend, and it had to stop then and there. Phase One songs: "Artichoke" ~ Cibo Matto Your hands are like a rusty knife Are you gonna keep on peeling me, are you gonna keep on peeling me Are you gonna keep on peeling me? "Lilith" ~ Plaid (featuring Björk) We'll lead me on We'll guide me through, baby We'll guide me through We'll turn me on. "Glory" ~ Liz Phair Scratching his face like a bone, He pulls you back. So one warm night, blitzed out of my skull and determined to keep my 4-year-old promise to myself, I called his cell phone. When his voice mail kicked in, I forged ahead and left a garbled confession, blarfing out my feelings like a greasy breakfast after a long night of Goldschlager shots. A few days later, we talked about it. Well, I talked about it and he pretended to listen. (He always tries to be polite, God bless him, but I'm not stupid.) Nothing much was mentioned after that conversation, but everything was supposedly still All Good. Our friendship continued as before, but only to a certain degree. A strange vibe seemed to wash both of us with a delicate film of uncertainty. I stopped hearing about the latest Girl Thing, for which I was both grateful and sad. As Phase Two continued with relentless cruelty, I grew more and more miserable. I finally admitted to myself that despite my own declarations of, "Nothing will ever come of this," I had been waiting for Audio Pimp Daddy to fall into my arms. It seemed as if my fantastic theory of up-front honesty had failed, and I would be left alone without a friend or a lover for the umpteenth time. Phase Two songs: "On My Own" ~ Black Eyed Peas I'm all by myself, no one can help me out 'Cause I'm the only one who knows what it's about. "Hello Hello" ~ Mono Puff Did you hug me in your own little world Although you couldn't see me at all? "Thank you, Lord, for Sending Me the F Train" ~ M. Doughty So thankful for all the unspent love That I save up in a jar of money. The weeks dragged on. Audio Pimp Daddy and I remained in contact, although I certainly did more of the calling and emailing than he. I caught myself on numerous occasions trying to come up with a "valid excuse" to contact him, like a technical question or a musical tidbit. I felt us separating, and I was convinced that all was lost. But then, I began no notice Pimp Daddy's less spectacular qualities. When the formula for keeping him interested fell in place (as long as it's about him in some way, he will always be interested), the hopelessness peaked and dissolved into a fierce conviction that he wasn't worthy of me. At the same time, I yearned for something from him, even if it was simply the old-school friendship that lay dormant. This would be Phase Three of the crush, the "I'm too good for you, but I'd concede to give you my -- whatever -- if you asked properly" phase. It's a good phase, it's an angry phase, and it's a volatile phase that doesn't give you a moment's peace. Phase Three songs: "Anthrax" ~ Gang of Four (NOTE: I chose this song back in August, so don't think I'm a sicko or anything) Love will get you like a case of anthrax And that's something I don't wanna catch "Boy Meets Girl" ~ Mel Brooks & Marlo Thomas Well, what do you think I am, a loaf of bread? "Awake on a Train" ~ Múm (This instrumental track is a simple declaration of independence, as Múm's is the first electronica album I bought without Pimp Daddy's input.) "Soap Star Joe" ~ Liz Phair He's just a hero in a long line of heroes Looking for some lonely billboard to grace They say he sprung from the skull of Athena Think about your own head and the headache he gave. "Straight to Hell" ~ The Clash (The obvious quote here directly applied only to the crush itself, and to the personality flaws that make a relationship with Audio Pimp Daddy impossible.) Then, mere days ago, I suddenly found myself at Stage Four, the Beginning of the End of the Crush. I finally have come to realize that, while not the boy for me, Audio Pimp Daddy is a good boy, and I certainly do enjoy spending time with him. We work well as friends, whether we talk to each other twice a year or twice a month. And while I wish someone would share the passion and sensuality that lives inside of me at a gentle rolling boil, it's okay if Pimp Daddy doesn't want to watch over the pot. I've also come to realize that I have plenty of love in my life. I'm not declaring that the love of friends is a good long-term solution, because believe me when I say that it's not. However, I do have people in my life who genuinely love me, as I do them. And for now, it's All Good. Of course, these mini-epiphanies don't mean that I'm completely over this period of self-induced misery. It most likely will be a long time before I'm ready to accept a romantic relationship in my life. These despondent crushes stem from more deep-seated problems that I have yet to deal with. I'm smart enough to know that; I'm also smart enough to know that I'm not ready to tackle these problems head-on just yet. I am weak and weary from this past year, and I want to take some time and catch my breath before facing the daunting task of facing myself. For now, I love and am loved by people, and I will continue to give my love freely to those that need it. And I'll continue to be a good person, and I'll be just fine. Phase Four songs: (Still in Progress) "Career Moves" ~ Loudon Wainwright III And it's been twenty years now that I've written songs Over a hundred, still going strong About drinking and hockey and flying above Again and again about unappy love Over and over, unhappy love. "All Is Full of Love" ~ Björk You'll be given love, you'll be taken care of You'll be given love, you'll have to trust it Maybe not from the sources you have poured yours Maybe not from the directions you've been staring at Trust your head around, it's all around you All is full of love, all around you You just ain't receiving Your phone is off the hook Your doors are shut All is full of love.

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