Don't twiddle her thumb, twiddle that funky stuff
Jan 04 '02
The Bottom Line No birth control, no phone sex, actively practice vaginism, do the deed, work at your goals
The Thumb Twiddling Series
I am going to call this the third in a series, purely fun and games, not meant to be taken way too seriously – but maybe chock full-o-good advice, maybe even scads of consumerlicious informatics.
The first to take up the gauntlet was the lugubrious Imokliel, with his piece on getting’ a piece. Having just successfully impregnated his honey, and then becoming a father figure, he was in some position of authority. Not to make mention of the fact that he is the sites chief anti-advisor in the area of kids and family (he once suggested filling in your little girl’s vaginas with cement to ensure gender neutrality). He has a very Swiftian take on family issues; he is not to be trusted.
Next up to bat was dastr8poop, another rascal in writer’s clothing. He also followed in Damien’s footsteps writing about thumb twiddling and what not. Both of these ribald pieces neglected just a few well-conceived and yet not so often practiced habits, often neglected, ignored or lightly further pressed into service by the masses. Hell even Sweetcece, the queen bee herself has written a piece on this beloved topic. Will I take impregnation advice from someone who likes the Muppet Movie? I think not, give me the porno-mongers, the multi-orgasmic, those who spread the gospel of vaginism throughout the land. Yeah, gimme that.
1 – Begin to practice Vaginism
What can truly be said about the worship of that most delicious and delightful of inward moving appendages that has not been put forth time and again? One of the chief means of pre-conception has got to be the adoption of a worshipful attitude toward sweet poontang. Set up an alter, with some gently burning mood candles, warm oils and any other accoutrements that the possessor wishes in the praise ceremonies. Remember that it is quite acceptable to put the object of your affection on a pillow, within the altar, cause to quote Prince from Under the Cherry Moon “Put a pillow under it man, ‘cause you know, she like it that way.” Spend hours in praise, speaking in tongues, greeting the vagina with a holy kiss (holy palmer’s kiss? To quote the Bard), treating it like the object of adoration that it is.
Is there any aspect of the vagina that is not beautiful beyond words? None that I know of – hey, I am starting to sound like LaNae’s lesbian lover, which indeed…I am. Put it on a pedestal bruh, and then make sure and put semen in it, that will accommodate the whole pregnancy thing.
2 – Lay off the phone and cyber
Phone sex is not going to get anyone preggers, neither is the cyber. Certainly nice and orderly, guaranteed to be disease free, unless you are sharing phone sets. Some folks in today’s busy and unpredictable society are quite content to sit at home with their PCs and just cyberholic away, or put in a phone call to a friend. You can’t get pregnant that way folks, it just ain’t gonna happen.
Plus there is a lot of really bad phone sex out there. If you think about it, how many of you husbands have called the nagging wife hotline, 1-800-finish-up? I know it is definitely not recommended….you get on the line with the girl on the phone and she does her best to emulate…”hey, aren’t you done yet?” “Don’t mess up my hair (insert whatever works best there for you…hair, makeup, fingernails, clothes)” “I don’t want to – pause – okay I do – pause – I don’t want to” “EEWWWWWW” “Can’t you just take care of yourself tonight?” Okay phone lady, that’s WHY I CALLED YOU!!!
Be careful to avoid the unexcited wife phone sex hot line.
There are even couples who have been doing that for so long that they get on extensions in different rooms of the house…”oh baby, you make me so hot…” “HEY I CAN HEAR YOU IN THE OTHER ROOM!” The ultimate I think would be if couples got so dependant on the phone or their PCs that they have matching phones on either side of the bed, they lie together, masturbating and talking on the phones…sweat gathering on their ear lobes.
In order to impregnate someone, you must have actual physical contact with them.
3 – a few words about vasectomies and the tying off of tubes
Now the inimitable Joydrop and myself both have these particular issues taken care of surgically. If she got pregnant now, it would be a reconstructive miracle from God (and a mean one at that). There is no way we are pre-conceiving to conceive. We aren’t even vaguely aware of conception at this point. It is just not in the cards.
So, avoid having your balls or ovarian tubes surgically altered if you want to get pregnant. The cutting makes it kind of tough. Discussing this also has led to some fairly humorous stories about people who have had these operations and still gotten pregnant or impregnated. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Statistically, it does happen on this planet that tubes come untied, and that seminal vesicles heal, but it is nearly statistically insignificant. If you find you have become impregnated that way, guess what HE DIDN’T GET THE OPERATION. Don’t be fooled…there are a lot of guys out there more than willing to get a girl pregnant for the money. You girls are making scads of it these days. Watch out for them, they poke little holes in the ends of their rubbers…(okay, clearly stolen from An Officer and a Gentlemen).
One must have intact gear in order to pull off the deed.
4 – Avoid birth control devices
This one is obvious, as will be my next entry. If you want to conceive, you must pause the pill, “throw your rubbers overboard”, ditch the diaphragm, use the sponge for doing some dishes, and leave it in there at the moment of truth.
Do you keep track of your rhythm? Start employing the concepts in reverse, having lots of sex during ovarian activity. Think Catholic, think fertile, think god’s or goddesses of fertility. Get a little idol for you room with very large breasts and a big head.
5 – Showers and baths
I once heard from a ham handed therapist that the main reasons for women rejecting men’s sexual advances were 1 – he smells funky, 2 – I am too tired, 3 – No affection. To these three points I can address in reverse order. When it comes to affection – see the above section on the worship of the vagina. The real key is the worship of the one with that delicacy between her legs. Play with her hair, rub her back, put lotion on her feet, laugh at her jokes (and mean it), make her coffee, listen to those romantic songs that you sent her from Napster while you were dating, fill her life with the things that she loves. If the girl is into sports fishing, well by-god make sure she is out trolling for Marlin as often as possible, if she wants candlelight and wine, make it happen...”find one hundred ways.”
As to the fatigue factor, again, rub her feet and give her coffee. That will energize…now to be honest girls, if we guys are on top, how much work is it really? You could get pregnant asleep or reading if the truth be known. Of course if it is going to be a mutually pleasurable impregnation, it may require some effort of concentration, and more than a relaxing ride. But honestly, too tired? I have always believed that to be lame.
As to cleanliness, to each their own. If your girl likes your cock to smell like soap, then by all means, soap your dawg up and come to bed smelling like Juniper berries. You aren’t going to get the opportunity to send your guys swimming for home base if you come to bed smelling like butt. And for sure, girls, treat him how he wants to be. I personally don’t like the taste of soap, it is unappetizing and unappealing. I think sex ought to taste and smell like sex. I am described by my friend Kevin as a Funky Man a title to which I am rather attached. It doesn’t mean I don’t like croissant and Earl Gray in the morning…just head over heels in love with my baby’s flavouring. I believe Prince called it the “raging hot water of the daughter of morality.” Never heard it put better.
And now, I’m out
Showing one another how much you love each other can be a delightfully daily project. Sometimes whole weekends spent working on the impregnation may turn out to be the most relaxing and powerful emotional times you have together. Play and romp and play some more, listen to each other. Nobody I have ever been with listens like my Joydrop, I know I can’t get her pregnant, neither would she want me to. She listens, and I can’t imagine she and I not showing each other how much we care, how much we want to be with one another. What flattery and delight, for your lover to want you.
So go at it. Do it all the time, make her feel loved guys, worship the ground she walks on, and if she believes you, then your time in the holiest of holies will definitely become more frequent (feak’ent), and more pleasurable. This may result in pregnancy if that is your goal.
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...jazz was never meant to be a museum piece, under glass... Miles Davis
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