Divorce: Possibly the worst word in the English language (or any other)
Jan 13 '02
The Bottom Line Divorce. Yes, there is a life afterwards.
We all dread hearing that word. Divorce. Sometimes it's your partner who says it, or even you do. "I want a divorce." With more than half the marriages in the United States predicted to fail, it's obvious that we're going to have to figure out how to cope.
After nearly twelve years of marriage, I uttered those fateful words to my now ex-husband. Last year, late in August, would have been our fifteenth wedding anniversary. Yeah, I still note the date every year, and I still wonder what happened. Some days I have regrets, but on the whole, I'm glad I made the decision to leave him.
Looking back, I can honestly say that the time between making the decision and when the final papers arrived from my lawyers were on the whole one of the worst of my life. Never again do I want to repeat them, ever. To that end, it's more likely than not that I will never remarry -- I never want to give another person that much power over me. Somehow, I survived, and am still putting bits and pieces of my life back together.
So -- how can you deal with what's counted as the biggest stress causer in the world? Here's some ideas:
1. Get yourself a lawyer. I'm serious. Yes, they cost money. But they can also save you a great deal of horror -- each time your partner calls with a new demand, tell them: Talk to my lawyer. Here's the number: ###-####. Then hang up. Don't let them goad you into an argument. You will loose and they will like watching you loose your temper and feel like an idiot. Especially get a lawyer if you have any outstanding bills, you own a home or business, there are children involved, you have any sort of property, you have a bank account... Get the idea?
2. Get an emotional support system in place. This will save your sanity. Be they friends, family, co-workers, get yourself a network of people in place that are on your side, who will listen to you weep at strange hours of the night, or come over to watch the game with you. Whatever you do, don't come home and sit and brood seven nights of the week.
3. Be determined. If you decide to go through with the divorce, stick to it. Try counseling together, or separation if you think there's any hope of a reconciliation, and make sure your partner knows that it's a "trial" period. Whatever you do, don't play the game of "I'll get a divorce if xyz happens!" and then it will become a very empty threat. My ex decided that I wasn't serious about a divorce if I caught him cheating again. I was. He found out I was serious. Any other direction, and you'll be caught up in an endless cycle of anger, arguments, and manipulation that will slowly drive you crazy.
4. Get yourself professional help if you need it. I'm talking about a mental health professional here, whether it's a psychologist, family counselor, or clergyman. Set up appointments and keep them, they will be of great help in getting you over the ugly spots. By all means, if you have children, consider getting therapy for them to help them cope -- this is going to be a terrible time for them to handle, and you don't need the aggrivation.
5. Be prepared. What I mean by this, is that some spouses are abusive as hell. Tell yourself that you're going to loose some friends over this. Tell yourself that a lot of what they are hearing are rumors. Whatever you do, don't badmouth your soon to be ex. No one will belive it, and it makes you look like a nasty tempered idiot. Wail at your therapist if you can, and cultivate a teflon skin.
One note: if your spouse is a batterer or abusive, tell your lawyer. They will help you get an order of protection and notify the proper authorities.
Afterwards: You're going to feel sad. That's alright, and very normal. Sometimes you're going to have regrets, and play the "what-if?" game. Try not to; listen to your gut instincts; somewhere deep inside you know what the right answer is. Talk with your therapist some more. Cultivate new friends, interests, hobbies, whatever it takes to establish yourself as a 'new' person. Sometimes you have to move, or get a new job. But there is a life after divorce.
I won't deny that it's a horrible experience, and it will mark you. I lost most of my friends. I lost my home. I was forced to look at my life with my ex and realized that it had been hell on earth -- I just didn't know it at the time.
Looking back at almost three years later, did I make the right decision?
Absolutely.
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Member: Rebecca Huston
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