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Confessions of an Abortion Agnostic

May 30, 2001 (Updated Nov 20, 2002)
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Rated a Very Helpful Review

Pros:legal choice, feeling of control, career enhancement, quiet home

Cons:haunting memories, can't reverse it,constant rationalization is exhausting, post-traumatic-stress-disorder, possible-infertility

The Bottom Line: People are on both sides of this topic. But how about the Abortion Agnostics? Here are the confessions of an Abortion Agnostic-read this before you head for the clinic.

"If you ever have children, DON'T bring them here and dump them on me."

That was a hard thing to hear from your mother. Those words hung over me like a death sentence.


Combine that negative attitude with the relentless indoctrination of the antichristian bigots (people who allow their hatred or dislike for christianity dominate and control their views, attitudes and actions) that dominate the television , newspapers, public schools and government, and I had a pretty bad view on children. I loved them, but with reserve. As long as they were someone else's children.

Abortion? Well, as far as I was concerned, I knew that abortion was murder, I was not that far into denial. However, I decided that my best way to handle it was to proclaim myself an abortion agnostic. Agnostic comes from Greek. It means without knowledge. A person that calls themselves agnostic usually is too weakwilled and lazy to do any kind of research and make any kind of decision to believe or not believe in something.

That was me. I figured that if a person wanted to kill a Jew that was in her way (after all, everyone knows that they prevent others who are more valuable from getting the best jobs) and did so in the privacy of the concentration camp, then it was no business of mine.

Oh! Did I say Jew? I meant baby. You know, by labeling it fetus, our society thinks if we rename things then we can attach new meanings to them. A baby is a baby.


Anyway, when I found myself pregnant with our son, I was in a panic. I experienced such a hate welling up inside me that it actually frightened me. We lived in a hellish apartment in a rural ghetto. I was being threatened by other apartment dwellers. We had poltergeist demons that raised havoc in the building. No sleep for 2 years straight. I mean NO sleep. My husband was making barely enough for us to live on. I did NOT want a baby.

Yet, another part of me, a part that was a dichotomy, desperately wanted this baby. I wanted to love an nurture him. I wanted to raise him in ways that others said was impossible. Yet, through fear, which led to hate and resentment about having such poor living conditions, I was trying to find a way to kill my baby without having an abortion.

I know, it sounds really strange, but the indoctrination and lies that the antichristian bigots have brainwashed us with for years do strange things to the mind when a woman (or man) finds that she is pregnant.

I was really in the embattled state when a friend asked me if I wanted to attend a seminar about women. So, I did. It was pretty far, but still it was a way to get out of my self absorbed world and think of something else. I was only a month or two along, so I did not show.

The meeting was nice. I was still feeling sorry for myself, when the speaker stopped and said something that rocked my world.

"You know, when I was pregnant, I was so angry and afraid. I was convinced that I could not handle children. But God showed me that He would take care of my children no matter what. And they are both grown and married and I can tell you now, He was faithful. " She told of how provisions came from all directions through her children's lives. She even had knowledge of what they were doing when they were not around and they would laugh saying that they could not get away with anything with God and Mom around.

Suddenly, I began to cry. I remembered with shame how I had punched my stomach that week and told my baby that I did not want him. I told him to go away. I had wished that he would just miscarry. All because of fear ingrained in me by antichristian bigots. Secular humanism that bred into me and society to say that children are not really worth anything - especially if they arrive at an imperfect time.

The notion that God actually had anything to do with raising children was a completely foreign concept to me. I had always taken the burden completely upon myself.

From that day on, things started to change. My husband returned from work with piles of clothing and equipment. He worked in a very hostile environment where people did not really reach out to each other. A woman he barely knew came up to him and said she heard we were pregnant and she gave us all of the extra things she did not need. Through her gifts, we had enough clothes and equipment for the first year and a half. What she did not give us came through other miraculous ways.

There are many more miracles associated with the birth of my precious son, but for the sake of brevity, I will stop with the assertion that what the speaker had said was absolutely true. No matter how bad things looked, our children have ALWAYS been provided for above and beyond our expectations.

Both of my children are the biggest gift I could ever receive. My life has been so enriched by them, that words can not express it (thank God, for you readers, right? You have enough to read...)


So you would think that I would have changed and become a pro-life spokesperson telling the world about my life changing experience, right?


Instead, I sank right back into agnostic laziness. I did not want to deal with it. As long as people wanted to abort Jews in their own concentration clinics, well that was their business.

Did I say Jew again? Sorry, I meant baby.

I refused to ever talk about the topic. We lived in a media - free home for 13 years. No television, newspaper, or videos . Very little radio. Very few visitors and no one I knew anywhere was pro-life or even interested in it. I had no car so we rarely went anywhere. As far as I knew, there were no pro-life people anywhere in our whole area. The discussion was better avoided.

I viewed all pro-life people as bashers. They may believe in God, but why didn't they just shut up about the abortion stuff? After all, Christians were a bunch of fakes anyway......(I was under the mistaken impression that all pro-life people were Christian- another misnomer taught us by those tainted with antichristian bias)



I looked in horror at the little 4 year old boy standing with a very angry look on his face who had marched up to the receptionist in the chiropractor's office. Where in the world did he get THAT from? I sat there in shock, unable to move. I had tried so hard to completely sterilize our lives from such discussions, that this came completely unexpectedly.


This kid was on a real rampage. I had to stop him.

The receptionist was looking at me with that antichristian bigotted look- like I put him up to this. I said, "Hey lady, don't look at me. I don't care about abortion. I don't know where he got this from.".

I bolted from my chair and dragged my stalwart son back to the waiting room chair. I told him to sit there. He had arms folded and was glaring at the receptionist. She was clearly unnerved, but still went about her work.

Then it happened.

A little child's bloodcurdling scream came from behind the closed door.

Like a rocket, my son launched from his chair touching down right back in front of the receptionist's desk.


By now, I think we were both just as bewildered. The woman tried to weakly explain that this was a chiropractor's office and that they did not do abortions at this office. The impassive look on my 4 year old's face showed that he was not at all convinced. I tried weakly to explain, but the words would not come. I dragged my stiff son back to the chairs, but this time he sat sideways to keep an eye on the woman.

Another bloodcurdling scream happened. Simultaneously my son was launching through the air again, hands on hips, furious.


By now, I think that the receptionist was ready for a nervous breakdown. We were all staring at the closed door, not knowing WHAT to say. Finally, she explained to me, kind of wrung out like a wet dishrag, that the woman in the office was sexually abused by a doctor in front of her baby at another office and that the baby would freak whenever a doctor came near her since.

Kind of sounded strange, but the whole experience was strange. I explained the situation to my chivalrous son and he seemed to relax slightly. It was clear that he did not totally believe any of us, but he did go back and sit with me willingly.

As I sat in the seat, I suddenly became aware of what just happened. I was ready to stand against my son because he was furious about doctor's killing babies. I was actually mad at him for bringing up such a volatile subject. My 4 year old child was outraged about the senseless slaughter of millions of unborn babies (and some born with partial birth abortion) and I was MAD AT HIM!

I sat in shame as the realization hit me. I was a weenie. A hypocrite. A lukewarm spineless spectator. I was no better than the spectators at the Roman colosseum games when the crowd actually cheered as christian people were brutally murdered by soldiers, animals and other vile means. After all, they just stood in the way of their enjoyment of life, right?


Despite the very tough battle to wade through the anitchristian bigotry that had so pervaded my thoughts and opinions, I decided to try to find out what I could about abortion. Not easy to do. In those days internet was only a dream and every phone call I made was long distance. It was not easy to find out anything. We did not even have a library near us.

One day, I received a phone call from a woman I had known (but not seen or talked to ) for years. She was even more indoctrinated in the antichristian bigotry of today. She was even more liberal in her thinking. Abortion was a great option in her mind.

I was surprised when she told me that something had happened to her. She said that so many of her friends were experiencing weird personality changes years after getting abortions that she decided to look into what abortion really was. If anyone could dig up information, this woman could. Relentless is her middle name. What she uncovered was a literal shock to me.

My friend started sending me reports of abortion clinics. The first was from a couple whose job it had been to work on equipment in medical facilities. One of those places had been an abortion clinic. The condition of the clinic had made them throw up. From that point on, they started a business where they demanded to inspect all abortion clinics and what they found was sickening.



In almost every case described by this couple, the equipment was not only filthy, but there was actually mold growing on some of the instruments. It was not uncommon for old blood to be left on the floor and tables for the entire day and sometimes more. The linens were not always changed and the overall cleanliness was filthy. There are very few people I know who would allow an ingrown toenail to be operated on in such conditions.

This report from this couple (no it is too long ago to remember their names) was one of the first insights I had into questions raised about the abortion industry.

I later heard some interviews on a little radio station I managed to pick up for a while. The situation described was horrible. What goes on in the clinics behind closed doors is a tragedy- not only for the murders taking place, but for the violation of medical ethics in other ways too.

The visually disgusting things were bad, but the test results on equipment that "looked" clean and sterile were astounding.

I also learned of an organization that had formed to bring about lawsuits for women who died (and there are a lot of them) or were permanently maimed from abortions. It is called WEBA (Women Exploited By Abortion).

The court cases were unbelievable. I read many many cases. These were not a handful, but the numbers were astronomical. They are just never talked about. The media blacks them out. Once in a great while a sensational case makes the news, but it is rare.

If I read a consumer report on a car which has this many problems, suffering, and injuries, I would NEVER buy it. You probably would not either. A procedure involving our own body is even more serious! These lawsuits and allegations were unbelievable.


If you want to understand the answer to that question, you need to only remember one thing. MONEY. The bottom line to abortion is MONEY. Shows like SURVIVOR, WEAKEST LINK, the new FEAR show, are all conditioning people to do ANYTHING - including destroy another person for MONEY.

How many abortion clinics do you see that do ALL abortions for free?

Over the years, I have heard many doctors speak who were abortionists but came to the realization of what they actually were doing to women and babies. There is quite a group of them now.

What they do is horrendous. The bottom line is to push people through as quickly as possible like cattle in a slaughter house. If you happen to die, then you are dumped at a local hospital (with prior unspoken agreement) and false records are made up to rationalize the death from other causes.

Because of the private and shameful nature of abortion, there are rarely complaints, because people are already trying to hide the operation.

If you are interested in hearing some of the horrifying facts from a former abortion clinic chain owner, look up Carol Everett (I hope that is spelled correctly). She is only ONE person of many who have left the business.

Epinions is about people making informed decisions. If you REALLY want to be informed, look at ALL of the facts. Not just what the marketing people tell you, right?

The trail of money that follows abortion is larger than any of us can imagine. It causes politicians to sell their souls. It causes entire corporations to lie and promoted false advertising .


Money stands behind the huge onslaught of antichrisitian bigotry. After all, the Jewish and Christian belief systems are the only ones that staunchly prohibit child sacrifice.

Most other religions that have been the crux of darkened and violent societies have involved child sacrifice. Notice that the rise in abortion has parallels the rise in violent and heinous crimes in the US. Even the so-called peaceful religions such as those practiced by Hindus and Muslims hide heinous crimes that murder children and abuse women on a large scale.

In order to assure the huge influx of money from the abortion industry, it is necessary to get rid of anything that would discourage abortions. Hence the rise in antichristian bigotry.

In fact, another review all on its own is the history and stated purpose of PLANNED PARENTHOOD. I was taught to believe that the purpose of this organization was to help families plan.

The history and stated intent is another matter entirely. Margaret Sanger was an avowed racist and antichristian bigot who intended to wipe out the undesireables from the US, starting with the cities. Thus the beginning of PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

Sound incredible? When confronted in a live interview by a person aware of this information, Faye Waddleton (forgive me if spelled in error) resigned the post as head of the organization. Faye is black and her racial group is one of those targeted by the original Planned Parenthood script.

It must have been difficult to officially leave such a lucrative position with such a revered organization.


Okay, so how does this all relate to you and I?


Well, first of all, there is one thing to remember about abortion. It is almost always launched through fear. FEAR.
Fear that I can not provide for my child.
Fear that he/she might be imperfect.
Fear that he/she might hinder my career.
Fear that I will not be a good mom.
Fear that he/she might be abused like I was, or my friend was or like other people were.

Let me tell you, fear has started wars, arguments, and has been the root of most bad things that pillage this earth. If you are truly unable to care for the child, then ease the fear of a couple who are afraid that they will never have children. I personally know many couples that have waited to adopt children and then had them taken from them at the last minute because women changed their mind.


By claiming that you are stupid - like I did - and that the knowledge is fuzzy (we do not REALLY know when life begins), then it is easy to rationalize the murder of something that "may not" be a living feeling human.

One of the most powerful things I have ever seen was a video made by a woman - Sherry Richard (I am sure the spelling is probably wrong). She is one of the top ultrasound operators in the country. No droning pro-life message. Just simple and very relaxing video.

Sherry was getting frustrated that women were aborting what they thought were just blobs of tissue. So, she decided to go around the country and offer her services FREE OF CHARGE to women who were convinced that abortion was the only solution to their pregnancy. The video had CLEAR and DISTINCT footage of each of these babies from 6 weeks on. I was captivated. I never knew that the faces of these little ones were so apparent at such young ages.

The little babies jumped and celebrated. They actually made faces like they knew the camera was there. All of the people who saw this video fell in love with these little unborn babies. The amazing part is that just after seeing their babies, only 1 or 2 of the numerous women actually had the abortions. Scores of others had their babies and many gave them up for adoption.


Of all of the issues surrounding abortion, the least addressed is the aftermath. If you have ever been trained to be a counselor or if you have been in counseling, you will know that once a trauma has happened to you (child abuse, sexual molestation, abduction, death of a close one, etc) that trauma may stay hidden to you for many years.

Once you have a child, however, and that child reaches the age that you were when you experienced that trauma, bizarre things begin to happen to you. Rage, hatred, self destruction, depression, and other anti social behavior may suddenly begin to surface. Like an alcoholic, you also affect your family or your friends. Those around you may start to go away. You may not understand your sudden behavior change. If you are really deeply affected, you may not even see it yourself. You may think that everything is normal.

Well, there is a very deep behavior problem once a woman has gone through an abortion (men also who do not want to lose their children go through a similar experience). The difficulty is that it will not show up for 10-20 years. At least not to the proportions that make people say something to you.

Anger, rage, hostility, aversion to children, disinterest in things that evoke positive emotion - all of these are behavior changes that happen to a woman once she has had an abortion. She thinks they are not related, and many others around her might think she is just moody. As in alcoholism, you can hide it for a long time.

Suddenly, when the inward clock goes off (each person has a different time), the behavior problems increase. There is often a preoccupation with the date of the death of the baby. Some women become completely incapacitated on that day. Others just push ahead thinking they are just a strong woman of today.

But it is damaging her and those around her. You can be sure.


There is a huge amount of medical evidence that the rise in breast cancer is related to the large abortion rate among women. The evidence is so overwhelming, that the abortion industry became worried about their massive income. In a desperate attempt to head off the drop in abortions that would cut their income, Newsweek, US NEWS & WORLD REPORT and other magazines ran articles in March of this past year all refuting the evidence.

Money will cause many people to do anything when it is threatened to be cut off.


What I have attempted to do is to let you know a few of the things that I have found on my journey through the issue of life and abortion. I have attempted to share candidly with you what I have learned. You can accept it . You can toss it out.

What you decide to do with my editorial is entirely up to you.

I can not change you. I do not even want to try. You are a big girl now. You are responsible for your own decisions. If you are bound and determined to have that abortion, then there is nothing I can do to stop you. It's your money, it is your life. You have been given the responsibility to care for the life of your baby, but if you want to abort, then the choice is yours.

I will still be kind to you. I will still like you. I will cry for the pain you are about to inflict on your baby and yourself, but it is your choice. You have to live with it like any other choice you make.

Feel free to write me. I will still be your friend.

You can skip the next story if you want. Or you can read it. It's up to you.


Here is a bit of an unusual story to end this discussion.

It was about 10 years ago. Internet was still limited to the select bunch that DARED to indulge in it. Not mainstream yet.

I had been writing to a new age guy from a European country. Although our religious ideology was vastly different, as I do with anyone, I made an agreement. He was totally free to express any of his beliefs as long as I was permitted the same privilege. We talked about all kinds of natural foods recipes. He wrote songs. He lived with his girl friend and partner whom he co-authored songs with. Our relationship was on a nice smooth ride. No bumps, no hurdles.

Until that fateful night.

It was the middle of the night. I was sleeping soundly. Everything was going well, and then it happened.


I sat straight up in bed, wide awake. Having had a very interactive relationship with Jesus over the years, I was used to hearing from Him now and then, but this was so urgent, that I was kind of nervous.


Okay. As crazy as my life is, and the amount of crazy things I have done, I was frozen in horror. No, that could not be what He said. I mean, our relationship with Frank and Ingrid was, well, social. Not very deep, and besides, you do not tell a European that God told you to tell them NOT TO HAVE AN ABORTION.


Apparently God never read the book about how to make friends an influence people......

So, reluctantly I typed out an email to Frank. I mentally noted that I could kiss that relationship goodby.

The next day, I received a letter from Frank. Well, indignant is a little strong, but he was rather cool and condescending. In essence, he and Ingrid had not slept together for a year so it was not possible to have her be pregnant.

Thanks, God.

A short while later, maybe a week or two, I was happily sleeping again, having put my wrecked friendship behind me. We still talked, but with strain.


Once again, I sat up automatically.


Well, by now, I did not have a whole lot to lose. I decided to put it off until morning.


I flipped out of the bed like a see saw.

Typing intensely, I put my all into the letter. I felt totally foolish, but why take the chance on making God mad, right?

It was several agonizing days before I got a reply.

Frank wrote to me that he was really getting irritated with my letter. Later, he learned that Ingrid was pregnant from another man and had secretly made a second appointment for the abortion. She had told NOBODY. In desperation before she left the house for the abortion, she downloaded her email and found my newly delivered letter.

She fell to the ground sobbing as the truth dawned on her. It has been 10 years now and Ingrid and Frank still thank me for listening to God and risking them being mad at me to tell them the truth. Ingrid's son is her pride and joy and she still cries when she thinks how close she came to killing him. You can email them if you do not believe me.


So, if you are an abortion agnostic as I was for so many years, I understand. I simply wanted to present you with a few things I have learned on my journey through abortion agnosticism. You are free to disagree.

...or have no opinion.

It would be nice if you could discover the joys that I have in knowing the value of life. But if you don't, that is fine too. Thanks for taking the time to read this far if you made it. I appreciate your time.

No matter what you decide in this topic. Know this. You have a friend right here - me.


I have rated this topic 3 stars to symbolize the agnosticism point of view that I am addressing. I have put it in the positive side of abortion, because there is not middle of the road to further represent the agnostic point of view.


If you have decided against abortion, here are two numbers you can call:
1-800-521-5530 (non- church sponsored)

1-800-5WE-CARE (non-church sponsored)


If you have decided to have an abortion, well, there are tons of numbers right in your phone book and very easy to find. Chances are you have already picked one out.


You might want to read the comments (link at the bottom of this page). The further discussion of this topic there has a lot of other information you might find interesting.


I know that this is a long review. I normally would not add to something so long, but I have decided to include a bit of information that you might find interesting. Perhaps not. Some of you have protested wanting specific facts. Well, here are some.

Three of the MOST important people in the Pro-Abortion movement have changed sides. They have been telling their stories for years, but could get no coverage on the mainstream media. To publicize their stories would seriously cut into profits from the industry.


Who is Norma McCorvey? I bet you don't think you know her. But you do.

Ever hear of Roe V. Wade? Norma is the woman used to legalize abortion in 1973. I say used because she was. You see, Norma McCorvey never had an abortion. In fact, after she conceded to be used for the court case which won her lawyers fame and LOTS of money, she was excluded from all proceedings.

Norma found herself pregnant and on the streets in 1969. Her seeking of abortion was denied, so she hired a lawyer. Trouble was, no one had sympathy for her- not enough to make the national case of it, so she lied. She and her lawyers concocted a scheme that she would garner support because she could say she was raped.

Roe V. Wade was a lie. Based upon a lie. Twisted and used to give an illegal business great monetary value by making it legal.

You can read Norma's story in her book WON BY LOVE, or look her up on line.


Who is this? Dr. Nathanson is none other than the founder of NARAL (National Abortion Rights Action League). He coined the phrases "pro-choice" and "woman's right to choose". Dr. Nathanson presided over more than 60,000 abortions. He was staunchy pro-abortion and saw nothing wrong with it- until he began to perform abortions with the aid of ultrasound. Suddenly the horror of what they were doing began to hit him and many others.

He said that they began to bond with the little babies. They saw the pain and violent deaths that were being forced upon these little ones in the womb, and he began to become sickened.

Dr. Nathanson was irritated as this was cutting into profits, as well as the cause. However, when he began to look into it, he saw in the medical journals that when shown ultrasound, only 1 of every 10 women could have abortions. The abortion movement lied about the amount of women killed by illegal abortions just to keep sympathy for the movement going.

More lies. More deception.

You can read the truth of what goes on in the abortion industry from Dr. Nathanson's book THE HAND OF GOD.

DOE V BOLTON - Sandra Cano

Now there is a case you probably have not heard of. Heard of partial birth abortion? Heard of late term abortion?

This was the case with Sandra Cano. However, in contrast to Norma McCorvey, Sandra's lawyers used Sandra's desperation in seeking a divorce from her child molester husband to falsify documents and lie about her to legalize late term abortion.

In fact, Sandra never even tried to get an abortion. The records at the clinic where she supposedly sought an abortion mysteriously disappeared.....

Doe V Bolton was supposedly a class action suit, however, Sandra's name was the only one included on the list of names. Margie Pitts Haines, her attorney, used documents in court that Sandra claims she did not sign.

When the court asked for specifics about Mary Doe (aka Sandra Cano), they were told that the details did not really matter. However, this case was used to support the procedure of partial birth abortion where scissors are shoved into the head of a fully developed live baby and the brains are sucked out with a vacuum.


The topping of pain on the situation was when 22 years later, Sandra lost her little grandson when her daughter (the baby abused for the falsified court case Doe V Bolton) went to the same hosptial where Sandra was falsely reported to have sought an abortion.

The baby was born prematurely, fully in tact, but the hospital refused to treat him, because they said that at his young age, he was not a human, but merely a fetus, not worth saving.

There are quite a few places on the internet you can find information on Sandra, but here is one link to get started with:



These are just three of the many people you do not hear about in the mainstream media (heavily financially supported by money from the industry) who have been at the top of the abortion scene.

Norma and Sandra are involved in a court case trying to vindicate their lives by reversing the cases that were used to FALSELY win the right to abortion abusing them with lies and deceit.

Abortion aside, no court case should stand based upon such shoddy representation and unsubstantiated evidence.

Are you still willing to stand for such a deceptive industry? Remember, like Sandra, you might just pay the price someday with your own deep loss.

But the choice is yours.

Thanks for reading. Again, you do not have to agree with my perspective, I just wanted to let you know some of the facts that you will not usually see in the mainstream media.

You have your own mind to make up, just like I have. It helps when you see both sides.

I wish you the best no matter which way you go!

Recommend this product? Yes

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