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Are you ready to read something Not Helpful? (Adlib Write-Off)Jan 24 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line It's ok to have fun on Epinions every once in a while. No, really.
Welcome to the Adlib Write-Off. I’m your host, Fallen Jesus-Boy. For links to the other participants, see my profile page. If you are unfamiliar with adlibs, I’ll give you a short run-down. I have written a story, one in which there have been words taken out. Each of these words fall into a certain category, and said categories have been placed on a numbered list (thanks for the idea, Annexation). Without looking at the story, as that will take all the fun out of it, you, the reader, need to come up with your own word to fit each of these categories. Then when you read the story, you insert your words where indicated. Hopefully the results are humorous, as that’s the whole point of this write-off. So grab a piece of paper, open up Notepad / Word on your computer, or whatever else you want to use to keep track of your words, and then see how your diseased mind has perverted my otherwise wholesome, family-oriented story. <cough cough> Word List 1. Name of a guy you know 2. Job title 3. Type of liquor 4. Sexual adjective 5. Name of another guy you know 6. A favorite quote 7. Sexual favor involving the mouth 8. Animal 9. Body part, plural 10. Name of a girl you know 11. Color 12. Body part, plural 13. Violent verb 14. Piece of clothing 15. Another name for boobs 16. Body part 17. Number 18. Pickup line 19. Body part 20. Another body part 21. Yet another body part 22. Exclamation 23. Painful exclamation 24. Name of a 3rd guy you know 25. Name of a 2nd girl you know 26. Color 27. Animal, plural 28. Animal 29. Movie 30. Band / musical artist Now now, no peeking below until you have all the words. Really, don’t ruin it for yourself. Are you all set? Ok then, here we go... The Story: A Freshman’s First College Party It was [1]’s first year of college. Better yet, it was the first weekend of the first year, before classes started, and that could only mean one thing – partying, and lots of it. Thoughts of studying to become a [2] were the furthest from his mind. He wanted [3], and he wanted [4] bodies to grind on, and he wanted them now. He had only been at college for a few days, and thus knew barely anyone. The guy across the hall, [5], was the only one he had really talked to on the floor so far. In fact, all the guys were pretty much strangers to each other at this point. But it didn’t matter to [1] where he went, or who it was with, because the unspoken law of the night was [6]. No, wait, that wasn’t it... ah yes, it was “Get wasted and get some ass.” So it was that [1] found himself at a Fraternity house. There was no [3] available, only the worst keg beer known to man. But he didn’t care. His cup had only cost him $1 and a [7], and he wanted something to get that taste out of his mouth. Plus, he had just seen a group of Frat boys out behind the house taking turns on a tied-up [8], and he needed alcohol to banish the image from his mind. After retrieving his first cup, he surveyed the scene. Fortunately it wasn’t a sausage fest, and plenty of women were in sight, most of whom were dancing to the generic party music. He even saw two girls dancing together, [9] locked in a manner that caused a stirring in his drawers. He quickly chugged down the rest of his beer and headed back for another. It was on his way back from the keg that he first saw [10]. She was a knockout, with [11] hair and [12] that wouldn’t stop. She was dressed to [13], wearing only a [14]. She also had a faint amount of glitter on her cheeks, eyes, and [15]. He met her eye, and she smiled. Taking it for the invitation it was, he made his way toward her. He was almost there when he smoothly tripped over his own [16], spilling his beer all over her. To his surprise, she laughed, saying, “That’s ok, I’ve already had [17] myself.” He smiled in relief, then decided to woo her with his unbeatable pimpishness by saying, [18]. She laughed and said, “You’re cute. Do you wanna dance?” He responded by jumping on her [19] and grinding like there was no tomorrow. “Now now, you naughty boy, save that for later,” she said with a wink, redirecting his bulging pants to her [20] and showing him how to really work it. No more than 40 seconds later, he felt the rising surge of his excitement, and wisely decide to back off before he ended up with a protein shake in his underwear. To cover up his short comings, he gave her his best shit-eating “player” grin, and asked if she’d like to go somewhere quieter. She flashed him a vampish smile and nodded, then led him by the hand toward the stairs to the second floor. His nose picked up the unmistakable scent of female arousal coming from her [21], and he gulped down an unattended beer. They passed several rooms in their search for a place to be alone. They heard cries of [22] and [23], and laughed to themselves imagining what was going on behind those closed doors. The sparkle in her eye assured him that such things would soon be going on behind their own closed door. They finally found an empty room, and quickly closed and locked the door. Scanning the room, he spotted a small refrigerator and a waterbed. Grinning, he walked to the fridge. He could barely believe his eyes, for inside was a full bottle of [3]! Apparently [10] enjoyed it as much as he, for she squealed in delight and grabbed it. She opened it up and took a long swig, then passed it to him. “Now this is my kind of woman!” he thought as he matched her chug. She pushed him onto the waterbed, then jumped on top of him. He rolled her over, and expertly removed her [14] with his teeth. They each drank some more [3], and she began removing his own clothing. “This is it,” he thought, “I’m going to fuck this ho’s brains out.” Just then came a shout from outside the door. “Who the fuck’s in my room?!!” [1] didn’t know it, but this was [24]’s room. He wanted to screw [25], now, and he was pissed. [1] and [10] were still scrambling for their clothes when [24] burst in the room, having broken the doorframe. His rage was only increased by the sight of the two people about to shag on his bed, and of his [3] in their hands. “Buddy, you’re dead,” he said. 5 minutes later, [1] found himself tied up to a chair, naked, with a funnel secured in his mouth. “You like my alcohol, mother fucker?” [24] said as he poured the rest of the bottle into the funnel. It was all [1] could do not to choke, and he had no choice but to swallow all of it. “Yeah, we’ll see what that does to you,” [24] sneered as he untied [1] and threw him out the back door naked. [1] tried to think, but the alcohol was burning in his chest, and it was hard to breath. He thought he saw [10], and figured he could at least get some lovin’ before he passed out. So he went to it, and finally shot loose his man juice inside her goose. Then he thought he saw [26] [27] floating in the air, puked up all of the [3], and passed out in his own vomit. When he woke up in the morning, he was back in his dorm room. At first he couldn’t remember anything that happened; then he bolted upright as he recalled what [24] had done. “Oh shit,” he thought. “But it looks like I’m alright.” He had to take a piss like a race [28], so he shuffled off to the bathroom after donning some boxers. On his way back, he saw [5] in the hall. [5] couldn’t stop laughing, and so [1] asked what was so funny. “Nothing... nothing at all,” he managed between laughs, pointing to [1]’s door. [1] curiously turned to look in the indicated direction, then froze in horror. There was a polaroid of him taped to the door. Apparently it wasn’t [10] that he had gotten with outside the house last night after all. The picture told all... and it showed a droopy-eyed [1], butt-nekkid, balls-deep in the tied-up [8] that all the Frat boys had unloaded in earlier. He ripped down the photo, went in his room and slammed the door shut, and wasn’t heard from again that day. [5] saw him the next day, but only as [1] was making his last trip down to his parents’ van. [1] had decided to move out, understandably, and wouldn’t be coming back. “Hey man, sorry to see you go,” said [5]. [1] glared at him, but then noticed that he was serious. “Thanks [5],” he said. “You want these?” he said, offering [5] a poster for [29] and one of [30]. “No thanks,” he replied. “Try to keep the good memories, and forget about the bad.” [1] laughed quietly and said thanks. “You want some help with that stuff?” [5] said, gesturing to [1]’s armload. “Yeah, ok,” [1] said, giving him a few things. [5] put the last of [1]’s stuff in the van, then shut the hatch and went around the side to wish [1] farewell. “Take it easy, man,” he said. Then, quieting his voice, “And, you know, watch yourself around the alcohol. And especially around the Frats.” “I will,” [1] said as he jumped in the van. “Thanks again.” “No problem,” [5] said, waving as the van drove off. As he headed back up to his room, he laughed to himself, more and more as he went. By the time he got to his room, he was laughing so hard he was almost crying. Because unknown to [1], there on his van, next to the license plate, was a duct-taped picture of him, butt-nekkid, balls-deep in a tied-up [8].  |
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