That Thong (Thong, Thong, Thong, Thong)!
Jan 26 '02
The Bottom Line I think that I probably would wear it as a surprise for a sexual partner, but definitely not as an everyday undergarment.
If you were sharp-eyed while reading my reviews of From Hell and The Dish, then you know that I am now the proud owner of some thong underwear. I’ll bet that you’ve been dying to hear all about it, and I don’t aim to disappoint!
But first, there is something that I should really point out. This review is not appropriate for children. You shouldn’t be surprised. A thong is not a garment that is appropriate for a young person of either gender to wear in the first place. They are extremely revealing, and intended to be stimulating. Sexually stimulating. Now, I don’t claim to be qualified to determine for whom this review is or isn’t appropriate. However, I feel confident in assuming that this review will only be read by people who believe it to be appropriate for themselves. So, if you feel comfortable reading about thongs, then you should be fine with everything I have to say. On the other hand, if you know that thongs are not appropriate for you, then neither is this review, so stop reading! I’m glad that’s settled; I’d hate to be accused of rape.
So, on to the thong. You first question may be...
“DavidK93, how did you come to possess this thong of which you speak?”
Well, it’s a fun story to tell, so I will. I needed to pick up a few things at a mall. I was getting short on underwear, since I had thrown out a few ratty pairs, and I needed to get a going-away gift for a supervisor who got a new job in Washington, D.C. It turned out that my friend Francesca also needed some things, so we hopped on the 67A bus to Monroeville, heading for the Monroeville Mall. We told that men’s underwear was in a certain direction, just past men’s sleepwear. Men’s sleepwear proved to consist of bathrobes, plaid flannel outfits, and boxer shorts. Just as we were about to cross the invisible boundary into men’s underwear, I noticed a display of Valentine’s Day underwear. The display showed two male torso mannequins, one wearing black boxers with little red hearts on it, the other wearing a velvety scarlet thong. Now, I have never owned nor worn a thong before, but something about this display truly spoke to me.
“So, David, what does your thong look like?”
I’m glad you asked. When I went up to the display, I found cubbyholes containing two different patterns of thongs that appeared otherwise identical. One set was a shimmery solid red that had different shading depending on how the light hit it. However, I preferred the other style. It has a matte black background, and is covered in shiny red hearts. The hearts are arranged in a very attractive pattern; there are five different sizes, and they oscillate repeatedly from largest to smallest and back again in vertical lines. The hearts in each line face the same way as one another, but the lines themselves alternate between facing upwards and downwards. The hearts look somewhat like sequins, but they are actually part of the fabric.
“Wow! That sounds so sexy, David! Tell me more about the style!”
As you can imagine, there’s not very much fabric involved in this thong underwear. The waistband of the underwear is about one inch wide, and the thong that goes in back is only half an inch wide. The pouch in front is six inches wide over most of its curve, but it can only extend somewhat less than three inches from the body as part of that width is stretched across the groin. The two leg openings are rimmed by about an eighth of an inch of elastic, set off from the sheer fabric by a double seam, and the waist opening has about a quarter-inch. The pattern in entirely continuous at all but two of the external seams of the fabric (one down the middle of the pouch, and one at the back of it.), and even there the balance between black and red is maintained. The stitching along the elastic cuts right across the existing pattern, but does not mark a joining of separate pieces of fabric. The only noticeable breaks in the pattern are on the inside of the garment, where thicker black thread anchors the two layers of fabric that form the inside and outside, respectively.
“That thong must be an incredible piece of workmanship! Are there any other, more technical details that I should know?”
Sure thing. First of all, the thong is one hundred percent polyester, and should be hand-washed in cold water, separate from all other garments and never with any bleach, and is only to be dried by being laid flat. I have noticed that strong light passes readily through the black fabric, but not the red hearts. The thong is made in China and carries the label of Intimo. I was hoping to do my review on Intimo itself, but I could only find a topic for intimo.com. Since I didn’t use the website to buy this underwear, I decided to go with this more generic topic.
“But how did you figure out what size to get?”
It wasn’t easy, let me tell you. First I had to convince Francesca to “let” me buy it. She told me that it would be an impulse buy and that I should just fight the urge and not buy it. But I was already entranced. Plus, I thought it would look great in my Mr. June shoot for FraggleMom’s Men of Epinions Calendar. She finally gave up on talking me out of it and left me to my own devices. The thong came in three sizes: large, medium, and small. Now, at 135 pounds, I knew that I couldn’t possibly be a large. However, I was unsure if I would be a medium or a small. I was fairly certain that one does not try on a thong in the fitting room. After all, would you put something in your crotch that has already been in someone else’s crotch? I didn’t think so. And even if I would, I doubt that I could have looked the fitting room clerk in the eye after showing her my intended purchase. So I did what any self-respecting thong-purchaser must do; I pulled each thong on over my jeans. I found that the medium seemed to fit easily and snugly, while the small was absurdly difficult to raise beyond mid-thigh. However, I did not find this procedure to be conclusive. Since I was, after all, wearing my jeans, I was worried that the medium didn’t really fit nearly as snugly as it seemed to. And perhaps the small really did fit, but just not over my jeans.
I also had concerns about my genital area. Let us just say that, although my scrotum is actually fairly small, I am very proud of my penis. Let me also say that I genuinely believe this information to be relevant and important to the topic at hand. In any event, I’m not porno-huge, but the removal of my underwear during sexual encounters has yielded comments such as “Wow!” and “Oh, my God!” In fact, considering my diminutive stature (5’5”), the word “disproportionate” does come to mind. As a result, I was genuinely worried that I would have a lot of trouble finding a thong with a good fit. I didn’t know whether each thong can accommodate a wide variety of manly packages, or if each waist size also anticipates a certain genital volume. If the latter had been the case, the medium would ultimately have fit poorly, I’d imagine, and the large would have been the only viable option from a genital standpoint, despite being several inches to wide for my pelvis. I finally decided to get the medium, since it was the only one that really fit my figure, and hoped for the best.
“All right, David, cut to the chase already! Tell us how you look in the damn thing!”
Whoa, don’t freak out! I’ll tell you exactly how I look. It shouldn’t come as much surprise to you that I look totally awesome in my thong. It fits snugly, but not too tightly. That’s lucky, because thought I am not overweight, I am also not super-thin. If the thong had been too tight, it would have resulted in my excess flesh (of which there really is very little, I swear!) bulging out noticeably around it. Instead, it just subtly accentuates my shapely thighs and buttocks. And I totally fill the pouch, too! If I stand sideways to the mirror, I can see that my package looks impressive, indeed. I feel quite sexy while wearing this.
“Ooh, I’m getting chills! What I really want to hear, though, are more intimate details about what it feels like to wear a thong...”
You’re probably getting off on this, aren’t you? It’s all right, I don’t mind. As I said, I felt sexy wearing it. However, I wondered how long that effect would last. In pursuit of that answer, I wore the thong for an entire day (12+ hours, anyway). I wasn’t completely reckless about this little experiment; I had some ordinary cotton underwear in my gym bag, so I could have opted out in the event of some emergency. Still, suffice it to say that I definitely didn’t want to get hit by a car on Thursday (You remember what your mother used to say about underwear and car accidents, right?).
I’ll start by explaining how I put the thong on in the first place. Not surprisingly, I began by putting one foot through each leg hole. However, beyond that point, it was not quite as simple as dressing in standard undergarments. Normal underwear resolves itself around the genital region rather automatically. The thong, on the other hand, required a bit of manual arrangement. In the end, though, it wasn’t difficult to get my “equipment” properly encapsulated by the pouch. Still, the tight cloth dragged on my skin more than looser cotton does. It was a little bit weird pulling my jeans up over the thong, because I could feel the denim against my bare butt-cheeks, and I’m not used to that. It was a very cold day, and I could indeed feel more of a chill than normal across my buttocks. Still, there were no major unusual sensations that I encountered in the early part of the day.
However, as the day wore on, the thong did become a bit uncomfortable. After a few hours, I became aware of the irritating scratchiness of the thong’s label at the very base of my spine. I guess my regular underwear has a similarly placed label, but I always tuck my undershirt into my underwear. The thong, on the other hand, does not readily offer itself to the tucking-in of undershirts. Also, walking around in the thong for so long eventually led to a wedgie. While wedgies do also happen with conventional underwear, there is a quick fix: Reach behind yourself nonchalantly, gently pinch the underlying cotton through the surface of your pants, and pull quickly sideways to redistribute the bunched fabric. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work with a thong; there is simply too little fabric back there to get any kind of decent grip on it.
Late in the day, I headed over to the school’s gym for my workout. I knew ahead of time that I would definitely not wear the thong during my exercises. Not that I had any specific information, but I doubted that the thong was designed either to support the body during exertion or to be stressed so extensively. Even though the locker room was essentially empty, I realized that I was a bit insecure about anyone seeing me wearing the thong. I had to take off my pants to put on my gym clothes, and I ultimately felt far more comfortable standing there totally naked than if I had been wearing the thong. I think it’s just a matter of appropriateness.
“More! More! Tell me what it’s like when your penis is hard!”
Wow, someone’s being forward. But you have hit on a very important point: The thong dynamics completely change when the penis is erect. For me, the very wearing of the thong was initially so stimulating that it brought me to a state of moderate tumescence, which really aids in filling the pouch. When I intentionally advanced my state to full arousal, I found that the tip of my organ actually extended underneath the elastic of the waistband, and forced it slightly away from my abdomen. It was extremely problematic when this happened while I was wearing the thong underneath my other clothes. As I mentioned, the thong does drag somewhat on the penis. When I became erect, the thong prevented my manhood from unfurling itself, as it is wont to do in my normal underwear. This was quite uncomfortable, as my penis wound up squished against itself, and stayed in that position even when it softened. Also, I found over the course of the day that if I experienced a penile erection while sitting, I would have an especially bad wedgie when I stood up.
“So, in the long run, is it feasible to wear a thong as one’s undergarment?”
That all depends on who you. Considering the standard equipment shared (in basic form and function, anyway) by all men, I don’t think it makes much sense for us to wear a thong as underwear, unless it is for a romantic surprise. Francesca explained to me, though, that it is a slightly more valid choice for women. Evidently, the members of the fair sex are very concerned about their “panty line,” which is the impression that their underwear can make from beneath their pants. In the case of very tight pants, sometimes only a g-string is sufficiently brief to not cause this unsightly break in the lines of the lady’s body.
So, there you have it. Everything you ever wanted to know about thongs or my genitals, and then some. The bottom line is that I’m glad to have my thong. In fact, I have decided to name it. My thong’s name will be “Matt Damon,” because I can’t think of anything that I’d rather have between my legs. I think that I probably would wear it as a surprise for a sexual partner, but definitely not as an everyday undergarment. I also plan to wear it for my photo spread in June (So if you’re itching to see it, or even if the thought is making you moist, you’ll have to wait until then.). It’s also fun to be able to ask people to “Guess what I bought at Kauffman’s on Sunday...”
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Epinions.com ID:
DavidK93
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: David Kaplan
Location: Baltimore, MD
Reviews written: 119
Trusted by: 178 members
About Me:
Passions has been canceled, again. But I think I'll get over it; I've gained perspective.
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