Single Fatherhood: A Single Mother's Point of ViewFeb 21 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line It is not any easier being a single father than it is being a single mother.
Okay, your first question is going to be "what does a single mother know about being a single father?" Valid question. As you read through my review, I hope to satisfactorily answer it. As a single mother, I have been involved with three single fathers. All of them were trying very hard to be good fathers to their children, but many of their methods were different and as a viewer on the sidelines I was able to see what worked and what didn't. My position a single mother also is driven by the way my children are interacted with on a daily basis, by their fathers and the significant other in my life. I have to deal with their emotional issues, therefore it is very important to me that they are not adversely impacted. This is not meant as a criticism; just basic information where my position comes from. Fathers certainly love their children as much as mothers do; being a parent is a unique experience and I do not automatically believe that either gender is the better parent. I know that many people will disagree with me here, but I firmly believe that children need both male and female adults in their lives. Still, I have seen things over the years; both positive and negative things. The point of this essay is to share what my personal experiences have been, not to point fingers or lay blame anywhere. In view of that, I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts for single fathers, from a single mother's point of view. Comments and feedback is always appreciated! As a final note, all of the following can be attributed to either single fathers or single mothers. I am not in any way trying to assert that these issues apply only to single fathers. Do's Love your children! Pay attention to your children, and spend as much time with them as you possibly can. Make it quality time, not over-activity time. The children want to be with you, not necessarily doing activity after activity every waking minute. Stay involved in your children's lives. Be interested in what is going on in the child's life; ask questions, talk, converse. When you become involved with another adult, keep it balanced. It is unfair for your significant other to have to constantly feel like they have to compete with the children. It should be a symbiotic relationship. When the children are there it is not okay to ignore your significant other; spend time with everyone. The children will respect the fact that you are entitled to another adult relationship, and they will feel more secure in the long run. Be careful when you introduce your significant other to the children, however. If it is not likely to be a committed relationship, spare the children. They don't need to become attached to someone only to have them vanish from their lives. Go to parent/teacher conferences. If you don't have a good working relationship with your ex, ask the teacher to schedule your own conference. Teachers are more than willing to do this. Your children will appreciate the fact that you want to be involved in their education. Don'ts Do not lay guilt trips on the children. If they say they miss their mother, don't take it personally. Encourage that they make contact with their mother. Children are not in total control of their feelings. It is normal and natural for them to miss the parent they are not with. You will avoid a lot of resentment on the part of the child at a later date if you avoid making the child feel guilty about missing the other parent. You will also forge a stronger bond with the child because the child will know they can tell you how they are feeling. One single father I know used to tell the children "it hurts my feelings when you say you miss your mother." Negative! This is unfair and equates to playing mind games on the child. The child missing the mother has absolutely nothing to do with how the child feels about being with the father. Avoid the "Disney Land Dad" syndrome. I have seen this over and over again. Now I fully understand it is a natural reaction; a parent who does not see their children all the time will want to make the time the children do spend with them to be fun and happy. Constant activities in one home can make life miserable in the other home. Some of the best quality time spent between a child and a parent is quiet time, simply sitting together and reading, or talking, or watching a movie. When kids go to one home on the weekends and it is constant activity it is very hard for them to settle back down into regular life at the other home. Being with Dad is not a vacation; it is being parented by Dad. It is okay to plan fun activities, but don't over-do it. I can remember weekends when my stepkids came over and we were constantly on the run going from activity to activity. There was no time for simple family time, and that is the most important thing to a child. Keep life as normal as possible, no matter which home the children are in. Children should have responsibilities at both homes, not just one. Allow the children to have normal activities with their friends. There are few things more frustrating to a child than to be told "no, you can't go to your friend's house because this is *my* time with you." Children don't care about who's "time" it is, nor should they have to. If you prevent the child from participating in friend-time when they are with you, you may find that they choose to spend less and less time with you as time goes by. Don't put the child in the middle! Avoid sending messages to the other parent through the children. This upsets the children and isn't fair. The adults need to discuss issues on their level without drawing the children in. Absolutely do not give up on your children. Many single fathers have to deal with very difficult ex's. But the children shouldn't have to suffer for this. Continue to try to work things out with the ex so you can develop a symbiotic co-parenting relationship. This might be a very difficult thing to do, but the children will benefit from it in the long run and they will appreciate your efforts. Bottom Line Children are the happiest when they can feel comfortable in both homes without feeling guilty about enjoying being in either home. They should feel comfortable and happy wherever they are. Being a single father is never going to be easy. It is much more simple to raise children in a two-parent home! But it can be rewarding all the same if some thought is put into it. As I said above, I am speaking from personal experience. What I have seen work is for the father to be open with the child, accept the child for who they are, don't use the child as a pawn, and keep life as normal as possible for the child. I hope this epinion has been helpful and hasn't offended anyone.  |
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