Self-Esteem Can Be Destroyed in a Heartbeat
Apr 04 '02
The Bottom Line Self-esteem can be damaged when a child isn't held accountable for his or her choices.
I am sitting here extremely upset over something that happened this evening in my home. Tonight I was witness to two little girls having their self-esteem damaged by the actions of an adult, and even thinking about it now several hours later I am still upset.
My daughter had her slumber party tonight; she will be turning nine on Sunday. She invited some friends from school and her cousin, my niece. Now, my niece has always had difficulty in staying over night. We finally got to the point a couple years ago where both families agreed that we would hold the children accountable for their choices; if they said they wanted to spend the night at the other one's house, we would hold them to it.
My niece was dropped off by my ex-brother-in-law, and she was quite happy to be here. We talked initially, and she assured me she was going to stay all night. She settled in quickly with the other children and everything was fine until she asked if she could call her mom. Instantly she went from being a happy child to sobbing on the phone.
I talked to my ex-brother-in-law, and told him I thought she should stay. We decided we would do cake and ice cream and see how she was doing. In the middle of cake and ice cream; with a bit of encouragement and a promise from my sixteen-year-old daughter that my niece could sleep with her, my niece went off to call her parents and say she had decided to stay. Within a few minutes she came back to me quite upset and said her mother had already left to come and pick her up. I told her that was no problem; she could tell her mom she had decided to stay when her mother got her.
My ex-sister-in-law showed up, snapped at my daughter, and took my niece off into another room. A few minutes later she came out to the dining room where my significant other and I were sitting and said she was taking my niece home. I told her I thought my niece should follow through with her commitment and stay. At this point my ex-sister-in-law said that my niece "had no problem staying anywhere else, including my ex-husband's; that the only time she had a problem was at my house." Frankly, I took great offense to this comment. I pointed out that my niece had been playing this game long before my ex-husband and I had split up, and I resented her implication.
My significant other jumped to my rescue, and we said that my niece would not be able to spend the night at my house unless she was going to follow through with her commitment. I hope this doesn't sound mean, but having had to spend hours soothing and comforting my crushed daughter when my niece has done this to her time and time again has hardened my heart a bit.
So what does this have to do with self-esteem? I saw two little girls with shattered eyes tonight; two little girls with damaged self-esteem. My daughter's self-esteem was damaged because her cousin wasn't going to spend the night. And my niece's self-esteem was damaged because she was not allowed to spend the night after she had decided to do so; and she was not required to follow through with the commitment she had made.
Self-esteem can be affected by those around us, but it also comes from inside. It comes from knowing one is a good person; that one does the right thing; that one stands up for what one believes despite what those around us are saying or thinking. My niece was not afforded the opportunity to follow through with her commitment because her mother would not allow her to do so. This adversely affected her self-esteem. Will she ever trust herself to make her own decisions again? I see that as a self-esteem issue.
The slam my ex-sister-in-law made against me was bitterness, pure and simple. It was an attempt to hurt me, to make me feel bad. I didn't see that right away, but I see it with hurtful clarity at this point. The only reason my self-esteem was not damaged by her actions is because I can see it for what it is.
Children have to be given the opportunity to make choices, and they have to be held accountable for the choices they make. This builds good self-esteem. Allowing, or not allowing a child, to follow through with a commitment he or she has made is a quick way to damage that child's self-esteem in a way that the child might have difficulty overcoming the repercussions.
My daughter is still having fun with her friends, but I know we will have many conversations about this in the days to come. She feels like her cousin doesn't like her, and that is hard on my daughter's self-esteem. She is also blaming herself for telling her cousin scary stories about the coyotes who live in the fields surrounding our home. She'll recover, but I have a hard time comprehending why an adult would put a child in this situation in the first place. Especially after it was made clear to both children that they would be required to follow through if they chose to spend the night somewhere.
Thank you for listening.
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