MILESTONES.......My Divorce
Apr 13 '02 (Updated Jun 26 '02)
The Bottom Line Each person handles things differently, when something traumatic happens, allow yourself to express your feelings openly and grieve.
My MILESTONE? Learning to accept my feelings and how best to live with them.
Divorce, not unlike anything else in life you may encounter, goes through stages of change for both parties involved. Rare are the divorces where both parties leave the marriage willingly and amicably. They say hindsight is 20/20, than I must have more insight at my age than any one else I know.
Part One-When It Happens To You…
This consisted of dealing with feelings of guilt and abandonment. The person going through it best describes these two words. My first divorce was a long time coming and neither of us wished to put up a fight.
My second divorce was different. I was completely content as I thought he was also. So when he packed his things and left early that Sunday morning I was not only in a state of shock, but almost immediately an overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me.
What really happened?
What did I do wrong?
There had to be SOMETHING I could have done to prevent this..
Actually, the answers to all of these question were, in the end….a big NO. Nothing I could have done or said would have kept him from leaving our relationship. Apparently he was not happy and he had problems communicating. I may have done something.. but if he was never willing to discuss it, I could never rectify the situation. Prevention would have been talking about the things that were troubling us at the time they occurred. This never happened.
When You Just Cannot Let Go…
I tried to be strong for my child and keep my emotions well hidden from my family and friends. Honestly on the inside I was falling apart. I would stay up all hours of the night trying to find support groups; friends who could help me get through this.
As a single mother I found it to be harder as they days went by. I would jump every time the phone rang or a car would pull up in my driveway. I was in denial. He wasn't coming home.
I could not sleep; I started over eating to help ease the feeling of emptiness and sadness. Which only made me feel worse about myself. I was slipping into a deep depression that only I had control over or no control over. Not unlike our relationship, my life was completely out of control and I couldn't get the control back.
And Next-Part Two..Why Me?
The anger was almost unbearable. I had no where to vent my feelings, so as days grew into weeks, then months, I eventually turned all the guilt and sadness into bitterness. I became extremely angry. I could not look at him in the face without saying something completely ridiculous trying to provoke a fight. This gave me a feeling of validation; he was actually talking to me for the first time in months! This was destructive behavior. It was not bringing us closer, it was pushing us further apart.
Anger!
Jealousy….
An Explanation?
I was so mad, at him, at myself, at our families. He spent more time with his father than he did his own child or me. I became extremely jealous of his relationship with his father and even the brothers and sisters he wanted nothing to do with throughout our marriage. Why did he need them and not me?
It made no sense to me and at the time I do not think anyone could have explained his reasoning away. I would not be realistic and try to see if from his point of view. Number one, I had no idea where he was coming from or where he had planned on going. If only he could have given me a valid reason.
"I am tired of living this way" was his excuse. I use the term EXCUSE because this was not an explanation of how our relationship had deteriorated so quickly, it was a simple sentence to get away from the core feelings that drove the wedge in between us. He was as much in denial as was I.
Next-part Three; Bereavement
Months went by slowly for me. My life had not changed in the sense I was still in the home taking care of our child. He was going to parities, seeing his friends, and living a somewhat normal existence. I on the other hand had become so withdrawn that I could not mention his name. I had to have someone take our child to him and pick her up for visitation. I could not have a conversation with him without breaking down and crying hysterically, or worse screaming and yelling. All of this was to provoke some type of response from him but there was none.
Lawyers
Depression
Moving On….
So as month passed on and lawyers were chosen and paid for, visitation was set up as well as spousal and child support, the only feeling of relief I got was when the check was in the mail. I thought it bought me more time to stay in bed crying, eating myself into oblivion, and maybe someday he would miss us and he would come home.
My depression got worse as his life seemed to be getting better. This made my life a living hell. How could he move on so quickly and leave his family behind? It was so easy for him to rejoin the single life while I was stuck in my life as a mother and wife. I could not move on…… I felt as though someone very important in my life had died and I was completely lost without him or her.
Part Four-So Many Changes Over So Little Time!
Months had passed. Things were easier for me although I would get phone calls or letters on occasion from the uninformed friend or family member and it would all come rushing back. One through three…..The crying, overeating, and total isolation would come back as though it had never left. I had no idea how to overcome this hurdle called my life.
Court Hearings..
Settlements..
A Little Closure?
Court came and went on an every other month basis. This was hard for me. Always the strong person in my family and even in OUR family, I had to put on a smile and act as though this day was no different. It tore me up. It was the few times out of months and months I had actually seen my husband. And all I wanted to do was cry. I thought the best thing to do was bang my head against a brick wall. And then I thought, "What if I give him what he wants…." I was making choices not for the good of MY child and MY self but for him, in the hopes he would come home where he belonged.
Many court dates later and lengthy discussion between both parties and our attorneys left us with two options; drag this out for three years and see what happens in time or let the divorce go uncontested and see where that would lead us.
Mind you, I was in the mindset that our marriage could never be over. We spent everyday for almost 4 years together. We never spent a night apart until he started working for a new company, and even then we would stay up all night on the phone because neither of us could sleep.
How did we get here? This huge table, me on one end, him on the other, neither of us looking at each other but at the floor, ceiling, anywhere but at each other.
I finally made a life changing decision for my new family. I did not contest the divorce, gave him what he wanted. My child and I moved on. We settled out of court regarding personal belongings, property, physical and real. and moved even further apart.
I moved to another city, he moved back into our home. Once out of our home, where our newborn child had come to rest her head every night for 18 months, I started getting some closure. I had my own space. I never once looked into the kitchen, were we made dinner together or us in the den playing with the baby. This was OUR new home and new memories were to be made. My depression started to lift.
Part Five-Our New Life Without Daddy
Our new apartment was very nice. My child has her a new bedroom, with new furniture, and hopefully a new start.
Although it was very apparent to everyone we really missed him; we learned to adjust to it being just the two of us. Family and friends come over from time to time to visit and have sit down dinners like years past and some sense of normalcy has entered our lives.
Letting The Hurt Go..
Moving On…
The End?
I finally started to forgive him for what he had done. He left his child and his wife with only a brief explanation that left me and our child confused, saddened, and even worse, neither of us could trust anyone. I immediately retained a therapist for this sole purpose.
I cannot tell you ten months later that it has worked. I go through these feelings, all mentioned above, at least once a week, maybe once every two weeks when things are hectic. But I have begun to let some of the anger die, the sting of abandonment I have confronted and turned loose and the sadness? Well, I honestly do not think that will ever go away. At least until we are able to confront the real problems and talk them out so I can finally understand why this all occurred.
I have met new friends, and so has my child. I date on occasion, and I see people everyday so eager to make that leap into a serious relationship. I cannot help but think they need to take a step back and think! Really, think about what the consequences are if it gets tiring, boring, or worse, violent.
I am dating now, but still somewhere in the back of my mind is a little bit of hope that one day my husband and I may be able to make something work. A friendship would be nice. I honestly miss him even through the tears and pain he caused. I miss the old days. My child misses her daddy. I do not think this is the end for us.
Our marriage, yes, it has been dissolved by the courts faster than we planned our wedding, honeymoon, and family. I do not think we will ever find the happiness we once shared on a daily, hourly basis, but I do believe that one day we both will let go of the past and move in a better direction for our child.
I am still having difficulty at times letting go of the past, or pretending that we never made these great plans for our future but I am more realistic. I will always love him and miss him; our lives will never be the same. But over time people change, feelings change, and love grows. I have moved slowly forward as he has quickly left us behind.
The one thing that keeps me balanced is knowing that I have confronted my feelings of love, anger and sadness. I honestly do not believe he has. I am comforted by the fact I have gone through the motions and emotions and have come out of this alive and I am a better person.
A big misconception, no matter how truly you love someone, is that divorce is the end. It really does not have to be. I look at it as a new start. A chance to start over and make better choices and live a better life.
This is the MILESTONE in my life. No matter how much my heart aches for what we once had, I KNOW that was does not kill you makes you stronger. And if you are going through these things I mentioned, do not go forward alone. There are groups for support and guidance. You may not be able to change how your heart feels but you can change your behavior to make letting go easier on you and your family.
©MM
This Write-Off is about MILESTONES in our life....the following are those who have contributed to this excellent writing effort:
azielinski,
yusakugo
jo.com
bluehawq
reviewer12
gungian
RadioGuy
EdGrover
ArtByJude
erinrounds
Faireheart
Centaur
Mattygroves
Telynor
MaryTara
naphtalia
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