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I'm Not Wicked, but I am a Stepparent and Survived a StepfamilyMay 09 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Treat the children fairly. Give children the time and space they need to get used to you. Just be there for them.
This is not OT. Baron said the topic (locks and guards) is a bug that he would eventually fix. I’ve been a stepmother for 18 years; I’m not wicked. I tried, I really, really did but lots of mistakes were made. I am going to give you some tips so hopefully your road will be easier than mine was. 1. Don’t force yourself to love your stepchild (I really dislike the word stepchild.) and vice versa. If you do you are certain to sabotage any love that might happen on its own. Trying too hard will backfire. Go at your own pace; one with which you feel comfortable. If you listen to your heart and mind you will know what pace to go and the same goes for the child. 2. Treat the children (if you as the stepparent have your own) fairly but not necessarily equally. This is what I mean by that and I learned it along the way: When the 3 children were young and we were first married (my 2 girls were 3 and 5; hubby’s son was 8) I thought that if I bought one child something, let’s say my daughter needed a new pair of pajamas, I needed to buy the other 2 a pair of pajamas. I was buying and doing based on obligation and what I thought was equality. That sounds like it would be a good thing. It wasn’t really. What is real equality is fairness and that means meeting the needs of the individual child. So one child might need a new shirt this week, but another might not. However, next week another child might need new sneakers, but that doesn’t mean the other two do. So think about meeting the children’s needs, not treating them equally, but fairly. 3. At some point if things seem to be working, see if your stepchild wants to call you by something other than your first name. My stepson never wanted to call me anything but my first name but he was already 8 when I met him and we got off to a rocky start. My daughters, however, were little. In spite of that and in spite of the fact my husband really didn’t want them to call him by his first name, it took 9 years to work! We tried ethnic names, nicknames, and names in other languages. Finally on a family trip when they were 12 and 14, they realized how important it was to him to be called …something! Pop it was and Pop stuck. Now the thought of them calling him by his first name is just plain weird but remember it took 9 years! 4. This one is hard for me to even write. I’m not sure my fingers can find the correct letters, but I’ll try. Attempt to find some good quality in your stepchild’s biological parent. In my case it was his mother. After all, if you care about the child and he was born by his mother, then there must be something positive about her. Actually finding something positive makes a statement to the child that he must be ok because you think his mom is. Well I didn’t, she wasn’t, and I couldn’t pretend. My mistake. Don’t make it yours. It contributed to some very difficult times my family went through for many years. 5. If your stepchild is moving into your house, rearrange it so he has his own space and isn’t treated as anything but a child who belongs in the home. If you don’t he will feel just like the stepchild, the term the media uses for all sorts of 2nd class things. Don’t make that 2nd class thing the child who is now living under your roof and whom you will share in rearing. 6. Try to make some inroads by having some special time or special project that just the two of you do. Even if it isn’t just the two of you, make sure you include him. For example, my stepson actually enjoyed learning how to knit when I was teaching my girls. There were times that just he and I would sit and I would teach him. Unfortunately, those times were few and far between and for each step forward there were too many backwards. Work on that one, though. 7. Make big deals over holidays. I was the one who bought candy and presents for Valentine’s Day and Halloween, for example. Even when my stepson was in college I continued to send him care packages (He knew I was the one who did this even though it was from “his dad and me.”) I never felt appreciated, honestly, but perhaps you’ll have better luck. Give it a try, anyway. 8. And finally participate in his life. Go to his games, to parent/teacher conferences, to school open houses, drive him to his job and take pictures at his graduation. Even if he never thanks you, perhaps somewhere, some day, deep down in his heart and soul he will know that you really did care and that you really were and will always be there for him.  |
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