My Thoughts on Self Esteem include: Spanking, One- liners, Role Models and Other Issues
Apr 18 '02 (Updated Jun 27 '02)
The Bottom Line Children with low-self esteem are one step behind those with high self-esteem and in this fast paced society in which we live each step counts.
The following is a redo of 3 deleted reviews. I hope it helps you in some way. The first part will talk about spanking. The second part of this editorial is a list of one-liners that I have collected over the years. The third part involves general thoughts about self-esteem, focusing on role models, extra curricula activities and the media.
Part 1. If you think spanking works, you are right. It works for that moment. I know your child will stop doing whatever behavior you don't like after you hit him. It doesn't work long term, though. In fact, in my opinion, it will backfire on you.
Spanking makes children fear their parents. Do you really want a child to listen to you because they are afraid? If someone hit you, let's say a significant other, would you fear him or her? If you couldn't leave and felt powerless to leave, would you be afraid? My guess is the answer is yes.
Children feel the same way. They may not be able to verbalize their feelings. They may not even know that they are afraid, but the reason the behavior stops for that moment is that they are scared. The hit may not even hurt; but they are scared that the next one might. Perhaps respecting your child and having them respect you is a better way to discipline. I am confident that respecting your child is a better way to enhance self-esteem!
Listen to what your child is saying. If he is too little to talk and is acting out, something is bothering him. Attempt to find out rather than just reacting by hitting. That is what I mean by respecting your child. If you do, I believe, you will get respect and the behavior you want. Children want to please adults. They feel better about themselves when they do.
It is against the law to assault an adult. You are doing the same thing to a child. You are assaulting him according to the law. Think about the violence that a slap represents. It is the unauthorized touching of another human being. In some cases, such as playing football or boxing, hitting is allowed, but you have the other person's permission. When you hit your child, he hasn't given you permission to do so. Perhaps you feel he doesn't have those rights; I feel that he has the same rights to be protected from a violent act as any human being does.
Think about how silly the act of spanking can be. Let's say your child attempts to put his finger in an outlet (Which may be prevented with safety plugs.) and you hit his hand saying, "You will hurt yourself if you do that." Your child starts crying because you just hurt him by hitting his hand. Does this make sense to you? You told him you were keeping him safe by hitting him.
I don't think that would feel safe to me or make sense to me so it sure won't to a 5-year old. This is the "It is for your own good" school of thought. I don't buy it. Hitting a child is not for his own good. It may assuage some of your anger at the moment, but it is not for his own good and it isn't to enhance his self-esteem!
The only thing spanking teaches children are that it is ok to hit other people. How will children learn not to hit others if that is how they learn to solve problems? How will they learn to talk about their actions and consequences if being hit was the solution to bad behavior?
You may be able to physically hit your 5-year old but it may be a little tougher at 15 if your child is bigger than you are. If they have learned that it is ok to hit others, be careful... the others they hit may be you and members of your family!
Part 2. Thoughts many of which may enhance self-esteem:
1. Every day take the time to smile at a child.
2. If you are in a park or elsewhere and have brownies, do not give the child who comes up to you one without his parent’s permission.
3. As the parent, do not allow your child to take food unless you know the person.
4. Allow your child the freedom to be uninhibited; to dance, to sing, to twirl around or tumble on the ground.
5. Dress your children for play when they go to school unless it is “picture day.”
6. Do not give children under 3 balloons; if they put it in their mouths and it pops they can easily choke on it.
7. Make sure your child’s friend is not allergic to peanuts (or anything else) before you serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (or anything else).
8. Teach your sons it is all right to cry; teach your daughters not to expect special favors with their pretty smile.
9. Teach your children not to point and stare at people who look different; start teaching them at a young age about people’s differences.
10. You can tickle your child but when he says stop....stop! Tickling starts to become painful at some point.
11. Teach your children to express their feelings verbally, in writing or by drawing.
12. Share your own childhood with your child but leave out the really bad parts until they are old enough to understand.
13. Remember that when your 2-year-old says no, it is not a negative, it is actually a positive; it is a way of your child discovering that he is an entity separate from you.
14. Do not pull your child by the shoulders even in play; they dislocate more easily than we think. Of course, do not shake your baby!
15. Visit your public library often and start when you child is young.
16. Take your child to the dentist at the age of 3 but wait a couple of years to get x-rays if you want.
17. Children are reared; cattle are raised.
18. Remove all string and cords in your child’s sweatshirts and jackets to prevent strangulation.
19. Don’t let your child go to a friend’s house if that friend’s parents have guns in the home.
20. Childproof your house including buying flame-retardant pajamas.
21. Leave a note or sticker in your child’s lunch bag saying “Hope you are having a nice day” or “Thinking or you.”
22. When your child asks about sex tell give her minimal information but the truth; children will keep asking if they have more questions so don’t give them more than they need; they can’t process it.
23. Don’t let your child leave the house without saying goodbye and telling her you love her; life can change in a flash and that last goodbye will save you from years of regret.
24. Take pictures of your child; he will love looking at them as the years pass.
25. Time really does fly so enjoy every second.
26. Don’t clean up the game your child’s playing with until he is finished no matter how much you can’t stand the mess.
27. Play with playdough and fingerprint with your child; just put newspaper down and you won’t have to worry about ruining anything.
28. Read a bedtime story or tell him a story every night it is possible.
29. Don't keep secrets from your child; they know when you do and if they don't have the correct information they will make up the facts. The facts they make up may be far worse than reality.
30. Give your child the best gift she'll ever have: your time.
31. Teach you child to be cautious of strangers; get a book out of the library if you need help doing so. Feeling safe is a powerful tool to a high self-esteem.
32. Teach your child the difference between good touches and bad touches, realizing that oftentimes bad touches do feel good.
33. Always use proper car seats for your baby and toddler and seat belts for your child and yourself.
34. Teach your child how to get out of the house in case of a fire and plan a meeting place that is not the car.
35. Don't ask closed-ended questions such as, "How was school?" The answer you will get will be ok. Ask an open ended question such as, "What story did Miss Jones read to your today?"
36. When you child asks what you think his drawing looks like, rather than making a mistake and saying a horse when it is actually a cat say, " I think you worked hard at it and I love the colors, why don't you just tell me what it is."
37. Let your child color with his own imagination; it is fine if the tree is purple or the man's hair is green.
38. Teach your child that cough medicine is not candy.
39. Teach your child that vitamins are not candies.
40. Teach your child how to dial 911.
41. Keep important phone numbers, poison control, pediatrician, and a neighbor by your phone.
42. Teach your son to nurture by buying him a doll; teach your daughter to play in the dirt by buying her trucks.
43. Love your child unconditionally.
44. Fruit spoils; children do not.
Part 3. Role Models and Other Issues
I would like to see more adults getting involved in the lives of children. I remember in my children’s school we had career day. It was a terrific opportunity for children to get a look at what adults do, how adults can be productive and help our society. As horrific as 9/11 was, it gave our children heroes. If that day had anything to offer us, I believe that may have been the most important.
Let’s also make sure the leaders of our country are the brightest people in the country. Let’s make sure our teachers are paid better so we can have the brightest teachers in our classrooms. Leaders of our country and our teachers are two of our most important role models, let’s make them the best ones we can. These people with high self-esteem can show our children what it looks like at the very least and at the most can instill it in them.
In the December, 2000 issue of Redbook we are told that “The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Medical Association and other children’s mental-health organizations have definitively stated that media violence harms children. Children exposed to violent programming at a young age have a higher tendency for violent and aggressive behavior later in life than children who are not so exposed do." This statement took into account more than 1,000 studies! Children who are violent cannot have high self-esteem.
I believe every parent should have to take a parenting class. I know this is impossible to regulate, but it could begin with Pediatricians, it could begin in hospitals or with midwives. It is a start. If we don’t know how to parent well, how are we ever going to build self-esteem in our children. If it means counseling because our self-esteem is low, then that is what we need first in order to help our children.
Show your child how to be a good citizen. Volunteer at a shelter for homeless families or spend the day with your child walking to raise money for an organization such as ProjectBread.
Get your child involved in extra curricula activities. When I first posted Part 3 as a separate and somewhat different commentary I got a comment that I should have included sports as a way to build self-esteem. I focused on religious activities at that time.
Sports are an extra curricula activity and can certainly be added. The reason I didn’t and would rather not (I would rather put the drama club, playing an instrument or being in The Girl Scouts before sports.) is that for many children sports do not build self-esteem, but rather break it down. We are seeing evidence of that now with parents becoming violent at games as well as children. It is clear that children who are involved in extra curricula activities feel better about themselves and are less apt to get into trouble.
When my children were involved with sports I saw it myself. I saw abusive coaches, I saw mean children, I saw competition that I never felt was healthy. I stand by my decision to not include sports as a self-esteem building activity, in general.
Once again, since I can't stress it enough love your child unconditionally and never tell him that he could have gotten an A+ when he got an A.
I'll be happy to answer question through e-mail or the comment section.
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