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Re: Jo (Reply to this comment)
by jo.com
Thanks, Tam that's so nice of you to say. I hope that after all the parenting classes I taught at least one parent learned not to hit their kids. I often want to ask a parent who challenges me to tell me where her kids are at 25, 27 and 31 and we'll compare. Not to pat myself on the back but I can't help but believe being gentle with them and having only my 5 rules had something to do with how they turned out. Especially since we are a- I can't help but making fun of the term - broken home! Guess it wasn't all that broken even with the horrible times. jo
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Feb 10 '06
4:52 am PST
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Jo (Reply to this comment)
by goodmama
I couldn't agree with you more!!! We were never spanked and are all very nice people, and I respect & love my parents all the more for that. It's much harder for the parent NOT to hit. We have to be creative, and consistent, but the benefits are amazing! I disagree with some of the previous comments. If we teach by hitting, that's not modeling good behavior in itself. I believe modeling good behavior is one of the most important things for kids. GREAT REVIEW JO!!! And I've read about your kids, obviously your hard work is paying off! Congratulations on being such a great Mom & bring such great people into the world. Wish there were more parents like you! :) -Tam
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Feb 09 '06
5:38 am PST
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Well-done and thoughtful (Reply to this comment)
by bobbo428
This was a well-written and thoughtful epinion that brought up many good points. For me, sports did nothing to help my self-esteem because I was very poor at every sport and chosen last. Alternatives to athletics do exist, and it was good that you included them.
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May 01 '02
2:48 pm PDT
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Re: Not true for everyone (Reply to this comment)
by Vormancian
Caprig, the 'skew' in your story comes in the fact that you had already spanked your child beforehand.
I am not against spanking in absolutely every situation, as I've already stated here, but spanking is something that someone might do once or twice in a child's life, if it is needed at all. Other than that, the psychological community at large rather strenuously objects to spanking as a general, standard punishment.
It's an interesting story that your three year-old asked to be spanked, but take anything else in the universe and try to apply 'well, my three year-old asked me to', and I don't think you'll get very far. There is a reason we don't do things just because three year-olds ask us to.
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Apr 23 '02
10:05 am PDT
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Not true for everyone (Reply to this comment)
by Caprig
I realize that you are merely giving your perspective here on spanking, and I honor that, but there is one thing that I think you overlook.
Children need boundaries. IF they are given just general verbal warnings and ineffectual standing in "time out" stuff, that is not always the solution.
Each child is different. Some will crumble with just a stern warning. Others need a pat on the butt to keep them straight.
Let me give you an example. A wild-eyed fanatical woman came up to me and told me that I had no right to ever spank my son and that she said children should not be beat- etc.
Well, first of all, I was only patting lightly, not horridly. Secondly, I was careful only to do it when it was absolutely necessary and not in fury.
BUT, I stopped doing it, because I did not want to "damage" my child.
One day, my son was being horrid. He was newly three years old and he was way out of line. The more I tried to verbally warn him and "time out" him, the more furious he got.
Finally, I sat him down and asked him if he knew why he was so furious.
HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS HURT BECAUSE I WOULD NOT SPANK HIM.
I am not kidding you.
HE TOLD ME THAT HE WANTED TO BE PUNISHED WHEN HE DID SOMETHING WRONG.
I asked him to tell me what method of spanking he wanted me to use on him. He looked around the kitchen, and passed up the wooden spoon, and got a very thick stick called a tamper that went to a vitamix. It was wooden. It was very solid.
He handed me the tamper and told me that was the punishment he wanted me to give him when he was participating in very bad behavior.
So, from that day on, after a three year old picked out his punishment method, whenever he would be in a bad way, I would simply go get the tamper and show it to him and he would straighten right up.
I only had to actually use it a few times, and I barely even touched him with it. It was the action that I honored his choice of tools that made him want to do what was right, not the "pain" of the impact.
One day, I could not find the tamper, so I grabbed the wooden spoon, and he went into a rage. He was upset that I did not honor his request to use the thicker and more threatening tamper.
At seventeen years old, he tells me to this day that if all children he meets would be given the same honor as I gave him, that there would be less discipline problems.
There has not been a week gone by since then that someone has not remarked on what a well disciplined and together young man he is, and they marvel that he turned out that way.
Of course, love the remaining time, listening to him, treating him specially when he was behaving well, ad spending time with him were a vital part. As was teaching him right from wrong and how to pray for people who would not act correctly, and see the power of God change people and situations.
So, I disagree with the convoluted view that all spanking is wrong. In the correct context, it is very effective and should not have to be used much at all, when the children themselves are taught correctly and allowed to participate in their consequence choices of wrong behavior.
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Apr 22 '02
8:46 am PDT
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Spanking... (Reply to this comment)
by platypus55
is a very extreme thing to do and should not be applied routinely under normal circumstances.
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Apr 20 '02
1:23 pm PDT
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Re: .......... (Reply to this comment)
by jo.com
I agree Part 2 - I'll change the title..it was originally in the old discipline category I think, but so many of the "tips" are tied into allowing and encouraging kids to feel good about themselves that I put it into this piece. That is why it isn't a stand alone commentary.
I know people spank. I am not even judging those who do. I come from the perspective of a social worker who worked with parents for 10 years who spanked and I saw the results of those kids...plus a general personal philosophy of pacifism (though I do support military intervention in Afghanistan...whew..now that this is all cleared up :) thanks for reading. jo
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Apr 20 '02
3:20 am PDT
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.......... (Reply to this comment)
by Vormancian
Excellent article.
I'm a little confused by part 2 as it is titled self-esteem, but many of the things are just sort of general tips.
Also, now don't take this the wrong way, I am also against hitting children. I'm a philosopher and have a lot of university study in psychology and family counseling, so my basic view is that if you hit your kid you are just admitting you can't outsmart them. Nevertheless, I also think that you can take anything too far, and that includes this. There are times, though I would say they are very rare, when a child might need a good smack. Now, trying to touch the outlet is obviously a ludicrous example for an instance where this would be acceptable.
It's like you example with adults. It is an assault to touch another person without their permission, and thus to hit someone. But, it is not always illegal. It is certainly a good idea to teach children that they shouldn't hit people, but not always. Sometimes it is very much the right thing to do.
But I ramble.
Excellent article.
Cheers!
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Apr 19 '02
9:50 pm PDT
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What's the word I'm looking for?? (Reply to this comment)
by bornain
Great, nah... Amazing, that's the one! Thanks for sharing this valuable info with all of us! I always like to read your reviews, but this one is definitely out of this world! I had to call my wife and we both enjoyed it very much and I hope other parents do as well.
Thanks again and keep'em coming!
~Paul~
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Apr 19 '02
8:47 pm PDT
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Great Advice (Reply to this comment)
by shoplmart
Excellent advice, thanks!
Liz
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Apr 19 '02
10:42 am PDT
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Enjoyed the One-Liners (Reply to this comment)
by mind-full
and agree with you on your viewpoints. We actually just removed ourselves from the care of a pediatrician who strongly encouraged that we "smack him and smack him good" if our son touched an outlet. Interesting that you chose the touching of an outlet as an example your review!
As far as violence on television (language fits here, too), I couldn't agree more. Even commercials send the wrong messages these days. As far as my own viewing of television and movies, I cover my eyes during fight scenes and cringe at use of foul language no matter how many times I see it. I can't imagine ever being desensitized by these things, but I know it can happen and the results can be horrifying.
Thank you!
---Amy
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Apr 19 '02
6:02 am PDT
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Excellent! (Reply to this comment)
by cathyjones
Wonderful article, something parents should read every so often to remind ourselves what a responsibility we have to rear respectable adults! I just have two comments that your article made me think of.
It is amazing to me how many people I know with small children (under 6) who teach their children to hit someone back when they have been hit. One child was under 2 at the time and this family told their child to hit her back instead of whining to them about it. I was shocked but am seeing this more and more often.
I learned from my mistakes. Lauren was a biter at day care, more disturbing to me than the day care. I tried everything I could think of and one day tried the old, bite her back. I gentle bit her hand back and she turned around and bit the dog! What a wonderful lesson I taught her - NOT! Fortunately time out is working well for us.
As you know, this is a difficult time for me and this article made me smile, thank you!
Cathy
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Apr 18 '02
7:12 pm PDT
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Re: Well Done (Reply to this comment)
by jo.com
Always..here is one :) jo
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Apr 18 '02
4:08 pm PDT
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Well Done (Reply to this comment)
by SurgRN911
and said with a smile (adults like them too)
Di
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Apr 18 '02
3:34 pm PDT
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