These are the 10 worst? (2000) Put Mine First! (my worst movie write off)
May 1, 2002 (Updated May 4, 2002)
The Bottom Line This is probably NOT as bad as it gets. The reviews of THE NURSE STORY gave it bottom dragging potential for sludge of the year.
OK kids listen up. My therapist said, that in order to move forward with my life, I have to come clean. This means, I have to tell ALL. So let me start with a confession. I directed the worst movie of the year in the year 2000 and now my life is in ruins. I have declared bankruptcy, my husband left and my dog ran off. I miss the dog.
Part of my penance is having to tell you of the ten worst movies (besides mine) that I was forced to see, and admit that my own effort was at least as bad. I no longer have hopes of my low budget film becoming a Cult Classic. In fact all the copies have been burned...and I mean with FIRE. But if enough of you read this, I may be able to live with myself.
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I'm going to start this review with the ten worst KNOWN movies of the year 2000 (or at least of the ones I have seen) and then give you the whole scoop on my own creative disaster.
Oh, by the way. The plot is included. So if you think I am going to apologize for spilling the beans, you are dead wrong. I am doing you a favor. Send money.
If you don't want to read about MY MOVIE, then stop at the designated area. (Yeah , I'll post a sign- Heaven knows I can't handle any more off topic ratings for my creative efforts.)
1. American Pie-This movie had me throwing up for days. Like teenagers and sex is something new. Give me a break, and grow up. Watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High, or Ferris Beuller's Day Off for better versions of teen angst. Even Porky's made the sex problem more fun.****Technically the movie came out in 1999. The sequel came out in 2001. They both stunk. Add them together and divide by 2=2000. See comment section for credit for this error.
2. Gone in 60 Seconds. Nicolas Cage can't make this movie interesting, and it could be that it's time he learned another role, other than the seedy and anxiety ridden semi-hero. Angelina Jolie's part is too small to compensate. Stealing cars is just not a good enough story to catch anyone's imagination. Boring? I guess!
3. Scary Movie-Should be re-named Stupid Movie. Very little to recommend it, except that it uses EVERYTHING from every other stupid movie made in it's recent past. It was a Wayans brothers production that cheated us with its possibilities. Instead of being the parody of a dozen or so movies, it was just plain dumb. -And Oooh! they said words we can't even talk about on Epinions! I am glad, for this one, that I didn't see it in a theater. I would rather be placed in stocks and been pelted with pies...but wait, that happens later.
4. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.-Wait, you mean this was a fiction type movie? Dang! I thought it was a documentary! Never mind. X through this one.
The real #4. Pay it Forward. Cheated, all the way. Helen Hunt as the trailer trash Momma and Kevin's role was a waste of Spacey. Haley Joe, I thought had better taste. And the ending, well the ending truly sucks eggs. In a nutshell, a kid comes up with a great idea. But the world around him clearly isn't ready for it yet. The book is a better use of your time. Try it, if you don't believe me.
5. The Beach-Skinny hairless boy (DiCaprio)takes a wrong turn and ends up in the wrong beach with the wrong people at the wrong time, and it is a never ending travesty of possibilities. The beach is a hideaway, and spoiled perpetual teenagers try to keep it their secret. Robert Carlisle is the only bright spot in this flick and most of you don't even know who he is.(The Full Monty)
6. Me Myself and Irene-Jim Carrey ...at his worst. He manages to insult the police, handicapped people, black people and the audience without making much of an effort. Jim don't you ever get tired of being the one man show? Let's face it, he does not play well with others.
7. The Perfect Storm- Cloony couldn't save this one from following the Titanic into the deep Blue Sea, even if it was in another ocean. Based on a true story, it made the true story a poor imitation and the people that die are now immortalized as impossibly stupid. It takes FOREVER for the ship to go down. Even the special effects couldn't save it.
8. BeDazzled Even though I have a soft place in my heart for Brendan Fraser, this movie just doesn't cut it. He gets silly, and the devil offering a bargain has been done too many times before. The fact that she is sexy and beautiful (Elizabeth Hurley) doesn't change the hackneyed story line.
9. Chicken Run My apologies to those of you who loved it. I love Mel Gibson,(the voice of the hero) but can't see the story as anything original. Making chickens intelligent is of course the biggest problem, as anyone who has farmed with chickens knows. And for the record, chickens don't have lips.
10. How the Grinch Stole Christmas . In spite of(or because of) director Ron Howard, and a reasonably good make-up crew, this one disappointed me in every way. Books by Dr. Seuss are supposed to be fun, the movie locks in images for kids based on someone else's interpretation. It has spoiled the story forever.
-Don't watch any of these movies unless someone holds a gun to your head. Be sure to keep a big bottle of Pepto Bismal close. You are going to need it
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
****OFF TOPIC ALERT****OFF TOPIC ALERT****OFF TOPIC ALERT**** What follows is completely fictional, every word of it. None of the epinions people I mention here know anything about this, so my use of their names, and imagined review quotes is , say, a tribute, nothing more.
My Movie-THE NURSE STORY
The Concept and Mechanics of the start- I wrote a script, with dialog as abstruse as Mamet's and trotted it off to all the movers and shakers in Hollywood, to see if I could sell,it, direct it and well, make it big. I figured my maturity would cinch this as a life long vision and the sincerity that I projected would win the deal for me. Well I couldn't get in the door. So I sent in a starving artist, who looked a lot like Aronofsky with a film school diploma (credentials, are important) and he found Oliver Stone ..who was stoned enough to back it. (He withdrew his name from the credits even before he pulled the funds) Cool, I thought, let's go.
The initial budget for the flick was to be a cool million. Not my money, so I had to take advice. This was the beginning of the end.
First, someone recruited the old school Hollywood director Francis Ford Coppola as an advisor. (there went 1/3 of the budget, for the two days he was present, mostly snoring in the trailer). Maybe with Aronofsky or Chris Nolan advising, this film could have done something. Heck, John Woo wasn't that busy. I could have used HIS help. But no I get Coppola, who had no more interest in this film than the free food and the booze.
For music, I wanted the lyrical efforts of the Titanic Music master, James Horner to create haunting themes for the imagery. What I got was Angelo Badalamenti (not a joke!) ...it was an Italian Conspiracy, Man! Bad lamenting about summed it up. Angelo did a great job on Mullholland Drive. When the money went, though, so did he. We only got one sorrowful theme piece from him and he is suing to get it back! We patched some music together from some old CDs, just small enough bites that we wouldn't have to pay anyone.
Photography, I insisted on directing my own self. It is never as easy as it seems. First that minicam kept slipping out of my hands...DeNiro wandered by the set laughing and did a few of the the shots for me. If you ever see clips of the pores on people's noses, blame Bob for those. When I asked for my minicam back he said "Are you talking to me? Are YOU talkin' to ME?". Well there went another chunk of the budget.
Casting-My original concept had Sally Fields as the star since she could have played the lead in several generations with ease. Then, thinking about the character, I had Julia Roberts or someone like her for the title role. I figured she had already proven that she could talk nasty in Erin Brokovich, then being filmed.I got, at the behest of the money management, Kathy Bates, with a second of Mary Steenburgen to play the younger version. One was too much, the other not enough. Bates did a credible job with the script. She only had a week to shoot, and after a while I realized she had donated her salary back into the movie, when Stone sobered up and cut the budget by half, and then withdrew altogether, shaking his head to loosen the cobwebs.
For the other "nurses" who were to be the villains in the story, I wanted to cast the original inspiration as themselves. You just can't find that many 'ugly' people in Hollywood. Instead, the crew doubled back in all the roles, so you will see the same faces over, in many places.
For the evil doctor, I wanted Bruce Willis or John Travolta, and would have settled for Ray Liotta, but he refused to play a real bad guy, and they cast Joe Pesci instead. He is a hard guy to hate. He's Danny DeVito cute, and I had to change the story to keep him from getting stomped.
For the good doctor (and like the HIGHLANDER series, the theme was There could be ONLY one)I was leaning toward Mel Gibson, but got Robin Williams instead. The good thing is that he was so excited by the part that he didn't realize he wasn't getting paid. He was still talking when the crew shut down the picture, and someone was looking for his medication. Now where could he have hidden it?
For the Nursing assistants, I caught a break. Samuel L Jackson contributed his part willingly, because he would get to play the guy who socked the evil doctor in the nose, and at the time he thought it was going to be Bruce Willis, or Travolta. He was pretty decent about the broken arm he gave Joe Pesci. I heard him say "I'm sorry, Man", at least twice. He also punched Robin Williams in the nose just for the heck of it. I won't embarrass the other cast members by bringing them up, but every one of them was terrific.
In the end we shot the movie in 8 days, and had to travel a few thousand miles to do it. When the budget was withdrawn, we were left with the ending that had to be changed , and one heck of a bunch of editing to do. They assigned the editing to John Carpenter, who had a night free, who instead of letting the story flow, let the anxiety producing events drag on and on and on. Granted he didn't have much to work with. He was stoned out of his gourd all night, as I remember, and did it in 3 hours . One of the volunteers said he did it with his eyes closed.
Final Budget for the film was $330,000. $300,000 was paid to Francis Ford Coppola.
20 year veteran nurse Nancy (not her real name) is approaching that mid-to-late life crisis. So she decides to move across the country and start over. The first part of the movie documents her travels to far off places to interview, and she finally rejects all the reasonable offers of employment, and takes instead, a job where she is needed (not wanted). As the story unwinds, Nancy realizes some important things about life. No matter how hard she works, it will never be enough.
Her personality is revealed by scenes from childhood, adolescence, young adult hood, and her relationships with significant others, a few life changing catastrophes, and her stubborn self righteous attempt to change things for the better. She has an impulse control problem, and she frequently uses bad language. Although she is sometimes funny, she can be brutally sarcastic.
But the audience is left to wonder whether or not nurse Nancy is right, and all the doctors and other nurses are wrong. (There should have been no doubt) Note here that there was a strong lobby by the AMA to have this film canned.
Finally "nurse Nancy" runs into an environment where the other nurses cannot be trusted. A conspiracy builds, and devastation is almost sure to follow. The ending does not follow the original story. It has a happy ending, where the old nurse gets to retire with security and travels across the country doing good deeds, pursuing her dream of painting and photographing America. In the original story, nothing changes.
Kathy Bates-as older Nurse Nancy-does a good job as the cynical hardened veteran nurse, although she tried to revive her role in the Stephen King movie, Mercy, a little too much. She was intended to LOVE her patients, not be obsessed with them.
Mary Steenburgen as the younger Nurse Nancy. See how life had changed her? From mild mannered and sweet to a battleaxe in less than an hour! Actually, she was poorly cast, but needed a job.
Demi Moore as the College age Nurse Nancy. She was, of course the one who was closest in appearance to the story, but she only had a cameo in this movie. In fact, we shot her incognito and would be sued if she knew I still had the footage.
Samuel L Jackson as Derk Dawg the Nursing assistant, champion of the patients and the street wise dude, who was always having a little trouble of his own. He was not intended as the star, but his is the performance of note, even if his character is abruptly removed when the shooting stopped. He punched a few more people in the nose, and called us even. Thanks Sam.
Joe Pesci as Doctor Bill. The accent doesn't work in Mississippi, but Joe is just a lot of fun in any movie. Sorry about the broken arm.
Robin Williams as Doctor Hurt. Well its hard to know what to say. He is a decent actor, but got a little too dramatic in the role. At one point, I thought he would have to be given a sedative.
Nirav Tolia-as patient on bedpan (in every scene). I will never know how he got into my movie. I don't even know the guy.
The movie was screened by a few of my favorite reviewers, chosen randomly and I'll give you some quotes**
Mangiotto-ARTBYJUDE'S First and Last Film
"There are some bad reviewers who think they know something about movies. Artbyjude is one of those directors who should keep her day job. She can't even learn with experience...she won't live that long. This movie is the worst waste of celluloid I have seen in a long time."
Simply Crispy-Nurse Story, a Tale of Woe
"I suppose there is some use for this moralizing crappola, but I can't see it. I thought you could do better than this!
Another sob story, and melodrama..and that was all just to get me to watch it!"
Stephen Murray (no review)
(Letter) Good God! Why are you punishing me by sending this to me? Don't waste my time!.
Napthalia-The Nurse Story-What A Waste!
"I think the director is trying to make a point, but what is it? The costumes were attrocious and the plot indecipherable."
Mascarefi- The Story that should never have been told
"Ms Artbyjude's effort has failed. I am loathe to be the one to break it to her, but she needs to find some other way to occupy her time. Obviously, she has no understanding of the art or the craft of film making.
"A waste of time. Enough said."
Gungion-Write on, but make no more movies please
"Although I am sympathetic to the story, there is really not much of a story here. Was there no romance in Nancy's life? And all we need is one more Doctor Bill!"
Psychovant (no review)
"Thanks for letting me watch your film. But why me? Did I do something to offend you? I can't say anything good about this flick so I will defer from reviewing it.'
"I liked it. What was it about?"
Need I go on?
The Errors most often sited in these scathing reviews, were 1) Incoherent story line and plot holes. 2) Wasted Talent
3) Insufficient character development 4) Unnecessarily gross and violent 5) Unrealistic and improbable. 6) Pacing problems 7) Insulting to the audience ....I have to stop here. It is just too depressing. Believe me, it was hard to write this.
** This is fictional- fictional-fictional! No one here actually saw my movie. In fact, there never was a movie!
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(Thanks for trying to read this.)