Just Be There And Trust.
May 02 '02 (Updated Jan 20 '03)
The Bottom Line I know my children will ultimately make their own decisions and if I did a good job as a father, they should be the right decisions.
Just Be There And Trust.
Being a father to three girls and a boy has kept me busy my whole life. Even now after my children are grown with kids of their own I consider myself a father. At night I still lay awake and wonder if my children are safe, healthy and happy. I worry about my three girls the most. I pray at night that their husbands are men enough to protect their wives and smart enough to be there when they are needed. I’m confident in two of the three men my daughters have married. So, I worry most about the one daughter who married a dope. I know my children will ultimately make their own decisions and if I did a good job as a father, they should be the right decisions.
Years ago when I was doing my best to be a father, I made some mistakes, but also did something’s right. Being a father is not about being perfect. If you, yourself are perfect your children will most likely grow-up to have some major malfunctions.
Trusting My Son
I remember when my boy Mike was in grammar school; a group of parents came to my house, knocked on my door and wanted to tell me about my son. The group of four men all of them involved in the school football team and Parent Teachers Association, they told me about their concerns about my son’s behavior. They said one of the priests at school caught my son drinking beer in the school parking lot, they sad their children also confirmed my son drinks alcohol and chews tobacco. One of the parents chimed in that he is a bad influence on the other children, that his son saw him steal baseball cards from the store near the school.
After 10 minutes of listening to these self-professed parents of the year, I asked politely “ Is that it? Are you finished?” the parents looked at each other and said “Yeah that’s it”. I slammed the door in their faces and never mentioned it to my son.
I used what they told me as weapons, to help with my job as a parent. I did not want to take the word of those parents’, their sissy children or some pervert priest, for all I know the kids on the football team hated my son and told their parents lies to cover their misdoings, for all I know that priest asked one of my son’s enemies to make a list of kids that drink in the school parking lot and he wrote my son’s name out of spite or jealousy.
Deep in my heart, I knew my son probably drank and he might have stole some baseball cards, but if he did I was going to hear it from his mouth, I was going to smell the alcohol on his breath myself. I wanted to give my son 100 % of the doubt.
Through the following years, Mike enjoyed drinking alcohol and got into some trouble. I tried the best I could to be stern at the right times and give freedom when I thought it was needed. He never hurt anyone and that was the most important thing I tried to keep in mind.
He attended the same high school as three of the “parent of the year’s” kids. He mentioned two of the kids grew up to be policemen, one of them is doing fine and does well as a police officer, but one is corrupt and has problems with cocaine. One kid had high hopes of attending Notre Dame to play football as a quarterback, but could not make the basic requirements in his studies so he never attended N.D, but later became a low level local politician on the name of his high school football achievements.
My son Mike is now 36 years old, he’s married with a little girl, he lives in Chicago, working at the Chicago Board Of Trade making a comfortable six figure income and most important, he did it his way and he’s happy.
Being There For My Daughter
My most shinning achievement and what I am most proud of as a father and a human being came from just simply being there for my daughter, just out of pure chance.
It was a Sunday afternoon in 1982; my 20-year-old daughter Elizabeth was home baby-sitting a 3-year-old baby girl that belonged to our neighbors. The baby was upstairs sleeping and Elizabeth was watching television in our front room. I was driving home from a friend’s house, tired and dirty from helping him move all day, all I wanted to do was shower and than go to sleep. I put my key in the front door and as soon as the door opened, I saw my daughter watching T.V.
I asked how she was than I asked what she was watching, we talked for about 10 seconds and I kept walking towards the kitchen.
I took three steps towards the kitchen and I saw what seemed to be someone hiding behind our 6-foot tall China Cabinet. My first thought was that I walked in on my daughter and a boyfriend and now he is hiding from me.
I said in a calm voice “OK, stupid come on out”. This shadowy figure just stood still, so I turned to my daughter and told her to tell her boyfriend to come out. My daughter gave me the most convincing look that seemed to tell me, she thought I was going crazy. Within one second I had the baseball bat in my hand running towards that corner of the room where the 6-foot tall China Cabinet stood. This person heard my rapid movement and decided to make a break for the backdoor. When I got a look at this guy from the back, everything came clear, he was not a friend of my daughters. He was dressed in a long ripped-up black coat, dirty blue jeans and a red baseball cap with a brown ponytail sticking out, he looked like he was in his upper 40’s and hasn’t showered in a month.
He made it to the kitchen about 20 feet from the wide-open backdoor, before I swung the baseball bat and hit him in the back of his head. I was not 100% sure what was happening, so, I only took a half swing with the bat, but he fell to the ground and was holding his head. Elizabeth was in shock, she had no idea what just happened and what was about to happen.
I turned to see if my daughter was all right, as soon as I turned my head this guy staggered to his feet and attempted to come after me with a knife.
My mind now had a full understanding of what was happening. I gripped the bat and took a full swing at his head; the contact I made on this low-life’s head is what baseball players would call the sweet spot. There was no doubt he was not getting up, but I decided it would be in my daughters best benefit if I took one more swing while this guy bled on the floor. I cracked every rip on the left side of his body. I spared the head to avoid committing murder.
We called the police right away, they were there in about 40 seconds. The police called an ambulance and supervised him to the hospital.
I thought our drama was finished. I gave my daughter a 5-minute hug and requested we called the neighbors to come get their daughter. The only thing I wanted was to close and lock the doors and spend time with my family.
One hour later the police came back to my house. The cop told me this guy was wanted in the surrounding suburbs on 3 counts of rape and assault. One of the women he raped he put in the hospital and a wheelchair for life.
Later 2 more women came forward, for a total of five. This guy had a police record for everything from attempted murder, theft and having sex with a minor.
His life of hurting people ended the day he came to my house. He was sentenced to 30 years in prison with no parole, he didn’t need parole someone did the world a favor and killed him in prison 2 years later.
I was father of the year after that day and the only thing I needed to do was come home to my daughter. Elizabeth still to this day calls me her hero.
My Advice
Some of the closeness and love our family enjoys was built on being there for one another when times are less than perfect. As a father I have made some mistakes, as a man I have made many. My kids have witnessed some of my biggest blunders, but they never felt shame to call me dad.
I have been there for my kids when times were tough for them, I always tried to remember that children have problems just as severe as adults. I think about the many decisions kids make on a daily basis and I think they have it harder than some adults. In the world kids live in small problems could turn into major issues with one wrong decision, a child could make the wrong friend, walk down the wrong street or trust the wrong adult and their life could be in danger. In the adult world pulling out a credit card or working some overtime solves most problems.
Children make their own decisions and the only thing you can do is help them and raise them so they will do the right thing. As a father the most important thing to remember is just be there for your kids. If parents stay involved in everything their kids are doing and talk to them about what they are feeling, I think that will build a child’s confidence and self-worth. At the same time you must give great amounts of privacy, freedom and trust.
In the end you will realize that there is no true formula for success in parenting, but in my personal experience, I have helped my four babies grow to be happy successful adults.
Now bring on the grandchildren!!
S. Holder
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Member: Chuck Broginger
Location: Chicago
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