How to Speak Canadian (How to Talk Like a Local W/O)
May 21 '02
The Bottom Line Canadians talk funny.
This is my submission to the How to Talk Like a Local Write-Off. So if any of you non-Canadians ever visit us, maybe this will help you understand what we are talking about!
~~~Disclaimer: This article was written in fun and was not intended to insult anyone, Canadian or otherwise~~~
Ärse
Rear end. Behind. Butt. You get the picture.
”Bob was acting like a moron so I kicked him in the ärse”
Boddle
Bottle.
Bum
See: Ärse. Bum is used by people who don’t won’t to be so rude as to say ärse.
Also: a person who begs for food, money, alcohol (or just about anything else). Someone who stays at your place, eats your food, sleeps on the couch (see: Chesterfield), takes showers (or maybe not), without paying for said services.
Canuck
Another term for a Canadian. Most commonly used when our neighbours down south are referring to us.
”Go back to Canada you crazy canuck”
Cheque
Pronunciation: exact same as “check”
Something you pay your bills with. Also, Chequeing Account: this is where you keep your money so you can pay your bills by cheque.
Chesterfield
A couch.
Colour
The Canadian/British way of spelling “color”. Same as with other words such as “labour”, “neighbour” etc. Not sure why the “u” was dropped – laziness perhaps? (ok, don’t go through all my reviews looking for a slip-up. Sometimes I drop the “u” in order to appease Microsoft Word).
Eh?
Pronunciation: Just say “A”
The most famous of our traits – whenever anyone (particularly Americans) makes fun of us Canadians, they make sure to tack eh? onto the end of all their sentences.
Eh is the universal (well, Canadian) term that changes any sentence it is tacked on to into a question. ”That was a good hockey game last night, eh?”
Eh is a very versatile word (is it even a word?). It can be used in many different ways and can mean many different things.
Proper Use: Add it on to the end of any sentence that you want to make into a question. Say it whenever you want. The more you say it, the more Canadian you will sound. But if you say it too much, we will know you are not truly Canadian and just imitating us. It’s a very fine art, eh?
Electric Heat
A necessary evil for those who live in this frigid country (ok get your mind out of the gutter I don’t mean it like that). Something called a “baseboard heater” is attached low on the wall and is controlled by a “thermostat” on the wall. Keeps our toes warm. Does not bode well for certain structures (see: Igloo).
Eskimo
See: Inuit
Fillum
Since we can’t talk properly, when we try to say “film”, it comes out as fillum. (Thanks to my sixth grade teacher for pointing that out).
Garlic Fingers
Garlic butter and cheese baked on a pizza crust (bacon bits optional). Goes as a side order with your pizza. Really easy to make at home. Very yummy (if you like garlic and cheese… if you don’t, then I guess you wouldn’t like garlic fingers).
Hockey
The sport of choice for Canadians. About as simple-minded as any other sport that involves a ball (or puck) and a stick. There are two distinct varieties of hockey, depending on the season.
Ice Hockey
The most common form of hockey. Played on ice during the winter. Ice can be natural (on a lake, river, etc) or artificial (in a rink). Grown men (and occasionally boys and women) chase a “puck” (think: can of tuna) around with a “hockey stick” and try to get the puck into the net, which is guarded by an overdressed man resembling a silly gorilla.
Most commonly known by the “NHL” (National Hockey League) games, which are shown on television during the winter. You may have seen a game on t.v. and wondered what it was all about and quickly changed the channel. You may have seen a blue streak following the puck. Apparently having the camera follow the puck wasn’t enough for some people to be able to follow the puck. Perhaps the same should be added to the baseball and football as well.
Road Hockey
Didn’t lose enough teeth during the winter months? Well now you can play hockey during the summer as well! No, you don’t need ice to play, but you do need all the same equipment. Except for one thing: the puck is replaced with a hard plastic orange ball. Just take your net(s) out onto the road (preferably a low-traffic back road) and start playing.
You may have seen this being done on the movie Wayne’s World. If you have, you will realize that the major disadvantage to this game is the interruption every time a car dares to drive on the road. Depending on your temperament (and the temperament of your fellow teammates), you will either a) kindly move for the car or b) refuse to move and glare at the person driving, shaking your hockey stick in a threatening manner. Choice “b” seems to be the one of choice. How dare a person in car expect you to interrupt your game so they can go by?
Because of the above-mentioned problem with cars, Road Hockey is often a subject of debate. The debates are usually divided between those who feel the players are a nuisance and those who would rather have their kids playing in the street than pestering the adults inside (possibly the origin of the saying “Go play in some traffic”).
Icing Sugar
The exact same product as confectioner’s sugar, or powdered sugar. Called “icing sugar because it’s major use seems to be in the making of icing.
Igloo
What we live in. It consists of ice blocks formed into a dome. It protects us from the yearlong blizzards that plague our country. Electric heat (see: Electric Heat) was seen as an ingenious invention. Unfortunately for us, when we incorporated it into our igloos they melted, leaving us exposed to the elements. Back to square one.*
(that little star means I have written something pertaining to this way down at the bottom of the page, which can be found next to the other little star. Go read it now. I will wait for you to come back).
Now that you’re back and extremely enlightened about the Canadian situation, having had the evil myths exposed, let’s continue, shall we?
Inuit
The native people of the far north. More commonly referred to as the Eskimo (which also seems to include the Aleut as well as the Inuit). The Inuit are the people who live in Igloos.
Loonie
The Canadian Dollar. We no longer have a one dollar bill (or a two dollar bill: see Toonie), we have a gold-coloured coin with a Loon on one side and the Queen on the other (I’m still trying to figure out which one the term “Loonie" is referring to). The Loonie currently is worth just over $0.60 US.
Moose
Alces alces. Very large mammal with big antlers. Bane to the automobiles of us Canadians. Tend to come out at night and stand on the road. Let’s just say that when it comes to an interaction between a car and a moose, the moose actually has a chance of coming out on top.
Molasses
A thick dark substance made from sugar cane. Food staple of “the old folks”. Commonly spread on bread. Due to it’s thick consistency, it is commonly used to refer to something that is slow: ”You’re slower than cold molasses running uphill.”
Pop
Pepsi, Coca-Cola, etc. Soda.
Some people also refer to their father by the term Pop.
Rock, The
No, not the wrestler. Slang term for the province of Newfoundland. Newfoundland is an island off the east coast. It’s inhabitants, the Newfies are often the brunt of jokes. The Rock is unique in many ways, including the names of it’s towns, which include: Come By Chance, Placentia, Tizzard’s Harbour, etc.
Rubbers
No, I’m not talking about condoms. Rubbers is a common name for rubber boots, but it’s pretty hard not to let out a little giggle when someone calls them that…
Ski-Doo
A snowmobile, and favorite pastime of many Canadians, to the point of obsession. Whole flocks of people can be seen wearing the garish black, green, and purple “Ski-Doo jackets”.
Tim Horton’s
The restaurant of choice for all your eating needs. Originally a simple coffee and doughnut shop, they now offer many other options, such as bagels, soups, and sandwiches, along with an assortment of goodies. Their coffee has a reputation for being highly addictive (with a craving for Tim’s coffee in particular, ordinary coffe just won’t cut it). I have come to the conclusion that the coffee either contains 400 times the normal amount of caffeine, or some other addictive drug.
Also the site of the Miramichi Breakfast, in reference to my home town. Residents of the Miramichi will flock to Tim Horton’s for breakfast, which consists of coffee and cigarettes.
Toonie
The two-dollar coin. A few years after abolishing the one-dollar bill in favour of the Loonie (see: Loonie), the two-dollar bill was replaced by the Toonie. It is slightly larger than the Loonie, and consists of a gold-coloured inner circle surrounded by a silver-coloured outer circle. The origin of it’s name is a mystery to me, but it seems that someone thought it would be funny to have a name that both rhymed with the Loonie and had the word “two” in it (Two-nie), in reference to the fact that it is worth two dollars. So now we have Loonies and Toonies, which must make foreigners wonder what is really going on up here.
Two-Four
A case of beer (of any brand) that contains 24 bottles (see: Boddle).
Tuque
A hat worn during the winter months. Sometimes has a pom-pom attached to the top, directly or by a string.
Zed
The last letter of the alphabet (zee).
Other useful things to know, including some common phrases
"No Doot Aboot It"
Translation: “No doubt about it”. Americans seem to think we can’t say “doubt” or “about” properly, though I have yet to actually hear someone say "No doot aboot it". (But maybe I’m just biased)
Roll Up The Rim
An annual contest at Tim Horton’s (see: Tim Horton’s), where they replace their brown cups with blue ones that have rims that can be rolled up, with a message printed underneath. The most common situation is to receive a message that says “Please Try Again”, with the occasional free coffee, doughnut, or muffin message. The grand prize is usually a car or truck. This contest has coffee drinkers flocking to Tim’s in record numbers.
Skill-testing question
The bane of our contest winning existence. Due to some law that I don’t understand, any Canadian who actually wins anything in a contest (see: Roll Up The Rim) must correctly answer a skill-testing question in order to claim their prize. It’s not bad enough that it’s nearly impossible to win anything in a contest to begin with, but you risk losing it if you can’t do math. Luckily enough, the questions are usually anally simple, with brackets thrown in for no other reason than to illicit mass confusion among the mathematically illiterate. Example: (6 X 2) + 3 = ?
Sunday Shopping
A topic of entirely too much debate. People want to shop on Sundays but don’t want to work on Sundays. Currently, in my province, Sunday shopping is “legal” from August to December, but not for the other half of the year. Nobody seems to argue against stores being open on Sunday for the months leading to Christmas, but it seems to be a problem when it is proposed for the rest of the year. Interestingly enough, many who are vehemently opposed to the idea of Sunday Shopping have no problem buying gas or going to a restaurant on Sunday.
That'll learn 'ya
Slang for “That will teach you…”. Said when someone does something stupid. "That’ll learn ya to stick a key in the electrical socket"
The very best
Just fine. Great.
Q: ”How are you today?”
A: "The very best"
* For those of you who missed it, I was being sarcastic. I don’t really live in an igloo. Think about it – where would I plug in my computer? The only people who live in igloos are those too poor to afford housing. They live in cardboard boxes in the summertime, after their igloos melt in mid-July and up until sometime after the first snow at the beginning of August.
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