Some movies are bliss... These ain'tMay 25 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line "The list is life" my foot!
History, fueled by both critics and audiences alike, has yielded many "best movie" lists, and some "worst" lists too. Well, since the Epinions database is about as flexible as frozen iridium, I'll offer my "10 Worst Movies Ever" list right here, as a sort of nose-thumbing to all those who believe that these films are worth anyone's time. Here are what many consider to be great films (all of these appear on the American Film Institute's "100 Greatest American Movies Of All Time" list) — and I just don't see why... Citizen Kane First of all, this Orson Willis film is all about a famous newspaper tycoon called Charles Foster Kane, but anyone with a knack for research can tell you that there was no Charles Foster Kane. But what I found really irritating was that this rich tycoon's gigantic house was named "Xanadu." I mean, how desperate for setting names can you be if you have to borrow one from a respected discotheque film? And if their inspiration was shot in color, then why wasn't Citizen Kane? The Third Man Same problem here. You'd think that for a big-budget Hollywood movie, they'd spring for some color film. Nope. Instead, we're stuck with this depressing story set in pre-war Vienna, and are denied the vibrant chromatecture of that city's cobblestones and sewers. And where, oh where, is the orchestra? Just some ukulele playing the same theme over and over? That's it?? Cheap, cheap. Lawrence of Arabia All I can say about this one is, well, all that sand is soooo boring! And, my god, what a casting error; one of the Arab sheiks is played by Obi-Wan Kenobi for chrissakes! Everyone knows Obi-Wan travels in a landspeeder, not on a camel. Fargo When I saw this lemon, I couldn't stop thinking to myself, "All that snow is soooo boring!" Really, it would've been so much better if it was set in Miami. Also, if they were in Miami, the actors would've been able to talk normally, instead of having to use those silly accents. Either way, the book was so much better than the movie. Some Like It Hot This might've worked as a gripping mob thriller if it weren't for those guys in drag. And again, where's the color? Raging Bull The biggest problem with this movie is the main character. He's so mean and unlikable! Why would anyone ever wanna watch this dumb bully be nasty to people for two hours straight? There are much better movies directed by Martin Sheen to choose from, and chances are, the one you pick will be in color. Schindler's List For as long as I can remember, Stephen Spielberg has been America's most popular film director, but even well loved directors misstep every once in a while. With Schindler's List, he totally screwed up. This film had no aliens, no sharks, no robots, and no Indiana Jones. Just all this mush about "war" and "genocide," and all that crap. Please! If I wanted a history lesson, I would've stayed in school. I mean, think about it... in Schindler's List, there's not a single car chase. Not a single one! And guess what? No color! This black-and-white crap is just so depressing. Psycho Everyone touts Alfred Hitchcock as one of the best film makers of all time, but I just don't see why. Psycho would've been a lot better had Hitchcock taken his cue from one of our real greats, Wes Craven, and made it way more gory. I mean, how much cooler would it've been had the killer used a bladed hand? Or at least a chainsaw. And... dare I say it? Where's the color? At least the better, more colorful Gus Van Halen version is available. 2001: A Space Odyssey Another "great" director, Stanley Kumbrick, tortures us with the way-too-long 2001: A Space Odyssey. And lemme tell ya, all that space is soooo boring! Nothing happens in this movie, except some gibberish at the end that doesn't make sense, and a lot of slow space shots accompanied by classical music. It would've been tons better if Journey did the soundtrack. Come to think of it, they obviously got the whole thing wrong, because here in the real world, the year 2001 has already passed, and we as a civilization have yet to conquer space travel. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs This film, like Erin Broccoli, may have opened our nation's eyes to the dangers of pesticide on our fruit, but it just didn't work, mainly because the actors didn't look real. Also, the plural of "dwarf" is "dwarvi," not "dwarfs." Jeez. And there were too many colors. And there you go. Screw AFI's list and stick with me! I would never steer you wrong.  |
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