A little background is in order here. Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, perhaps the greatest living author of Russia, wrote about his knowledge of corrective labour camps ('gulags'; an acronym) scattered throughout the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. He called it an archipelago because, for all intents and purposes, the camps were islands.

It was about six months ago that I finally capitulated, after much annoyance and inertia every time I even contemplated the prospect, to the business need for a cellular phone. All right, fine. Looking back on it, it's almost as though I said "Fine. You can make me get a cellular phone, but you can't make me choose good service. If I can't suck without a cell phone any longer, my service will pick up the suck slack."

When I set out to sign up, I first diligently researched the available cellular services on Epinions. I discovered that nearly everyone hated them all to one degree or another. Each was festooned with many negative reviews, advising me to rely upon smoke signals if necessary rather than sign up for PhonyTel Wireless, or use tin cans and string rather than bother with VoiceBlab Cellular, etc., etc.

I further discovered that there was no Sprint topic for eastern Washington, so I decided that a review of Sprint service over here would also be helpful to traveling Seattleites wondering what happens to their signal when they hit Ritzville (it succumbs to torpor) or Sunnyside (it succumbs to feedlot odour poisoning). I have used the service from Vancouver to Spokane to Ellensburg as well as in the Seattle area.

Advertising: let's review their current ad campaign, so we can bear in mind what they're promising. It is based upon the portrayal of Sprint PCS as a sort of digital saviour, something arriving on gossamer wings to elevate us from the cellular squalour and analog filth in which we wallow, and take us to a higher plane of telecommunications existence.

They always make sure to work in the phrase: "So all your calls are clear." The voice is one of those businesslike sales voices you've all heard in commercials, fatuously promising you whatever you want to hear, probably even the ability to orally stimulate your own genital area without spinal strain if that's what they thought would sell you the service. You hear the voice, once, and you think: hanging's too gentle. Definitely, the Algerian Hook.

Availability of phones: the selection of these was pretty good. I chose the Sanyo SCP-4000, a pretty decent phone which I have already reviewed. By contrast, we recently got Deb a new cellular at US Hellular, and their selection was weak and cheapo--giving it a lot in common with their billing system.

Signing up: was relatively easy. I was pleased with the general level of knowledge of the staff. The salesperson I spoke with was able and willing to answer the question: 'can you please list all the models you have that include vibrating ring?' No one deceived me about anything; however, neither did they emphasize for me the true islandlike nature of Sprint service. Perhaps they just assumed that everyone knew that, or that no one cared. Perhaps everyone but me indeed did and, in fact, did not care.

Phone service: this is the real test. All else pales before it. Can you talk on the damned phone? The answer is yes, if you remain stationary, and if you happen to be on one of Sprint's islands. I have to give Sprint credit: they strongly discourage talking on the phone while driving. Not through an ad campaign, but through the fact that even on the main street of a city, you may drive ten feet and have the service drop the call. You could walk those same ten feet and get the same effect.

Sprint PCS, therefore, is comprised of many teeny islands of pain, just like Solzhenitsyn's Gulag. (Although that's not a very good metaphor, really, since if you stand still it usually doesn't hang up on you, and you don't endure pain. Only if you walk a few feet off the 'island'. Then, as in the Gulag, not only might you suffer, but you might be isolated and incommunicado all of a sudden.)

The dilemma is that their map shows that they basically cover the freeways of the eastern part of Washington, so you are led to expect that if you're, say, anywhere along I-90 between Seattle and Spokane, you should have Sprint phone service available without 'roaming'. And you do not. It's false. There are many spots where you have no Sprint service, even in places where they claim that you do--thus the criticism.

Social responsibility: while having Sprint PCS does remind one a little bit of a Gulag, it helps promote safe driving because it encourages you not to talk and motate in your vehicle. In fact, it is almost worthless to try and talk while driving, because you're likely to lose the call. If your phone has a strength-of-signal indicator, and the signal in that spot shows as less than 50%, you probably better wait until you are in a spot with a stronger signal. I've tried calls (when standing still) with 25% signal strength, and I get cut off every last time. Either I stand up or sit down, or maybe the tower waves in the wind.

Recrystalling: you may not know this; I didn't, until I began to flail about in the quagmire that is mobile telephone service purchasing. If you buy a Sanyo phone for use with Sprint, or any phone for use with whichever provider, that phone is married to that provider and would rather die than apostasize by being used with another service. You cannot recrystal (give a personality transplant) to most cellular phones. I just wish I'd realized that going in.

And since Sprint obviously makes it that way, because they want it that way, should we give them a pass because 'every company does it'? Because 'that's just the way it is'? Because 'business is business'?

There is no way I will ever surrender to that logic. Ever. By that sort of reasoning we would never advance in any way, always passively accept the status quo, and forever suck without hope of improvement. Not a chance. Sprint can choose to continue making it so you cannot use their phone with any other service if they wish. I, too, can choose. And I choose to suggest that people question this practice, complain about it, and otherwise never let the matter rest. Compliance they may force from me; affection and approval are earned--as are enmity and even revenge. (Here I do the *muhahahaha* thing.)

Billing: they butchered this at first. Simply put, they didn't send me any sort of bill at all until it was well past due. By that time I owed for two months, and therefore my first bill was a curtly worded, threatening dunner notice. Well, you don't suppose I just passively paid it, I hope? (Ha. The day I do the Hindlick Maneuver on a phone company, please dispatch me cleanly and humanely with a shot behind the ear.)

Of course I called them up. You knew this was coming: I refused to pay for the earlier charges until I'd seen the detail. They didn't like doing it--they very much prefer you go to their website, so they don't have to perform actual labour--but they gave in and mailed me a copy of the earlier bill.

They wanted to charge me $5 to reprint my bill, no kidding, but after I frankly and honestly shared with them my feelings concerning that practice, they determined that just this once I was sufficiently special to merit exemption from the $5 fee. I glowed with specialness, partly retracted my fangs, and got Alex to shut up. (Alex considered their pay-for-statement proposal on a par with failing to share one's spray millet with flockmates--not just misconduct, but a great sin.)

Roaming: in case you aren't familiar with this term, it is an euphemism: a word that sounds nicer than the reality. What it means is 'making or receiving calls when you are out of your cellular company's network area, thus requiring your cellular company to use someone else's tower, for which they get charged up the ying-yang, and since nothing is free, all costs and then some are passed on to your own ying-yang.'

I tried roaming a couple of times. I never did get a connection that was worth a rip. One of the instances was kind of entertaining to look back on. I had to go out to the hinterlands of Benton City, a very small town not far from here, and I couldn't find the client's house even with a printed map.

I had been given the usual calibre of directions: "It's down a road, you'll see it from the highway if you squint and contort your body some, just come down the road, it's the one with grass in the front yard, you can't miss it, it's at the end of the road, there's an SUV out front, you'll see it, it's off the main drag a little but it's very easy to find, it's the one with glass windows, you'll have no trouble finding it provided you follow my excellent directions, it also has a garage."

Having set my phone not to warn me when leaving the Sprint PCS service area (because it was happening fifty times per day, and the noise was annoying), I enabled roaming and tried to call the client to politely ask where the hell they lived, and to explain my tardiness. I couldn't get any sort of a connection at all. I was ten miles from a city of 140,000, five miles from a freeway, and I was hosed. In order to call the client, I had to drive back toward the freeway until I picked up the signal.

To put it mildly, by the time I arrived and in my frame of mind, actually assisting the client was a real challenge.

Customer service: the grounds for my update of this review. Sprint has taken rotten telephone customer support to new lows; it breaks new ground in rudeness and stupidity. You have to enter your cellular number. Having done that, when you finally get through, you are asked for it again. This annoying redundancy is considered normal life. I complained perfunctorily about it, and the rep actually hung up on me! I called back and asked to speak to a supervisor. They would not let me.

I'm not joking. The rep insisted on me telling him the whole story of whatever it is before putting me through (as if I wouldn't have to just tell it all again to the supervisor), and refused my every insistence. I can be pretty obstinate when dealing with morons, so I said no, I want to speak to a supervisor, and that's that. Finally, he supposedly talked to the 'supervisor' and the 'supervisor' supposedly said that they couldn't handle complaints of poor treatment, here's an address to write to. In derisive tones, I thanked the rep and hung up on him, having yet to either raise my voice or utter a curse or insult.

Needless to say, I'm sure he was lying. He just didn't like being bypassed. However, I will surely never forget this treatment by Sprint. My Peonesse to the client is to prepare for dealings with Sprint PCS customer service as though preparing for dealing with a particularly lazy, stupid state-level bureaucracy.

Overall: it may well be that all the cellular services and providers are this peepee-poor. That I can't say. But I can say this: thus far, I am not impressed at all. I could live with a little bit of roaming, or maybe even a lack of service, out in the middle of nowhere over 100 miles from any city or freeway. I could tolerate the occasional disconnect. I could even choke down my gorge when I hear that self-satisfied voice tell me that "my calls are clear."

But it really gets old when you pay $42 per month and cannot carry on a simple five-minute phone conversation while walking down the sidewalk of a city park. Nor 'roam' and call your client when you are two hundred yards or so from his or her house, and ten miles from a significantly urban area.

My Peonesse* is: before you sign up for Sprint PCS in Seattle/Tacoma, or in any region, first talk to someone else who has it, and find out how they use it. If their experience is similar to what you want to do, and theirs is pretty good, probably yours will be too.

Mine isn't. I wish I'd known it was going to be like this before I signed up.

Now you do.

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* 'Peonesse' is to 'Advice' as a 'Peon' is to an 'Advisor'. I coined this new word not to show a lack of respect for Advisors, many of whom work very hard, but to reflect my new status as a former Advisor now demoted to the level of Peon.

Recommended: No

Amount Paid (US$): 42/month