Simon Belmont STILL Loves You Jun 06 '02    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Movies 1776 From $8 Alias - The Complete Fifth Season From $20 The Bottom Line -The Top TEN (10) Movies of 2001- aka -The Top Ten (9 + 1) movies of All Time- or -The Sequel to Simon Belmont Loves You!- Simon Belmont Still Loves you. You haven't been faithful have you? It's ok. He knows. He saw you stray. He knew when you went to that light-footed PUNK Captain N because you needed help getting past Bald Bull in Punch Out!!! He listened in when you talked dirty to Nintendo Power Operator #12 in order to get the Konami Code for Contra (Up up, down down, left right left right B A Start!!). He even saw you when you sent your used panties to Skip Rogers, WORLD VIDEO GAME CHAMPION, so he could tell you how to land your plane in Top Gun. He has watched you. And wept. You HAVEN'T been faithful, have you? But Simon Belmont STILL Loves You. His love for you hasn't diminished over the years DESPITE your transgressions. His love for you is unconditional, unending bordering on psychotic. You've seen the way he lusted after that under aged piece of pixilated debutante a**, Princess Lana on Captain N: The Game Master, didn't you? Well his love for you is beyond that. If love were to physically manifest itself as a separate entity, and you could stick a bicycle pump into love's mouth (assuming love HAD a mouth, mind you) and pump air into love so it cartoonishly blows up like a giant balloon it would be somewhere between large and pretty FRICKIN LARGE. Don't worry about Lana, Simon would have his way with that deliciously squeaky voiced small breasted stack of paint cells, but he still reserves his dirtiest lust for you. Simon Belmont STILL Loves You. Get used to it, because that sad sack of sh*t is just going to keep calling your house and play the theme to Airwolf on his Casio Keyboard until you take him back into your loving arms. Or until you Star 69 his a** and slap a restraining order on him. *intermission* Wait till you get yore hands on Konami's new videogame - starrin' me...that rajon' Cajun. Bayou Billy! For the first time ever, Konami combines hand-to-hand combat...with drivin' and shootin'...and of course zappin'... in one swamp-stompin' ad-venture! The Adventures of Bayou Billy - for Nintendo. It all starts when I get out this here swamp... You really gettin' me riled now! Grrrr! *intermission end* Well here we are again, Ladies and...genitals. Another year another dollar. It's been a while but once again it's time to look at the best movies of 2001. Sure sure, last time we danced this little dance I covered everything from 12 year old films to a stained copy of Maxim Magazine featuring Sabrina: The Teenaged Witch. Will that happen again? Who knows, as you can see from the opening tirade, I've matured. I hope you have too. Now I'm not too sure what exactly came out in 2001. I do know that the only movies I saw had either Memento or Made in the title and most of the time I was trying to hit on the big tittied chick behind the concession stand. So... Here we go, BEST MOVIES OF 2001 10. Dude Where's my Car? (2000): High HIGH brow comedies like Dude Where's my car and Fraiser are the reason why college educated (or nearly college educated, only FIVE CREDITS SHORT...DAMNIT!!!) people like myself watch television or go to movies. Sometimes you need more than humor where the jokes mainly consist of pizza being thrown at ceilings or FIVE SEXY BROADS in jumpsuits or BRENT SPINER doing a bad FRENCH-CANADIAN Accent. I mean what's a movie comprised of Pot head humor or Kristy Swanson? I'll tell you what, the greatest physical and mental comedy ever pressed to celluloid! The Acting! The Script! Stuttering John! This is what makes comedy great! Sure it's a rehash of Half Baked with all of the Black characters taken out. Sure it's a movie that's so STUPID it has a scene where a fake dog SMOKES a pipe and get's faded at the expense of a cheap laugh. But, goddam* it, if it stars 1/8 of the cast from American Pie and that guy from That 70's Show then goddam* it, it's comedy GOLD!!! Oh wait, that movie actually came out in 2000 didn't it? My bad! 10. Almost Famous (2001): Whoa! Who'd expect this? A Cameron Crowe movie that isn't filled with movie clichés and hip catch phrases? A movie about innocence lost and found...and lost again that isn't so syrupy sweet you want to gouge the eyes out of that hot half indian/half asian chick who tore your ticket but rather you want to...damn that chick was hot! Anyway it's a Cameron Crowe movie that the average straight man will enjoy. Oh and it's got Goldie Hawns hot little daughter in it too providing the eye candy!...Well this one sucked, let's try number 9. 9. BASEketBALL (1998): This little ditty is the story of two professional LOSERS who become national sports heroes when they create the ultimate mix of basketball and baseball. It stars everyone's two favorite stud muffins Trey Parker and Matt Stone. You know, the guys who created SOUTH PARK? The movie is pure genius and anyone who disagrees gets five across the eyes like the cheap slut you are. Consider: Naked Gun/Hot Shots humor only with cruel and witty put downs and insults. And Yasmen Bleeth as HOT A** #1 and Jenny McCarthy and HOT A** #2 8. Ravenous (1999): Hey I'm getting close! This was the little 1999 horror flick starring Memento Star Guy Pierce as a reluctant cannibal in the 1840's west. It's this type of movie that get's the blood flowing on a Saturday night when you're alone, by yourself and single. Featuring the intangibles: Death by Blunt Weapon, Death by stick, Death by Musket, Death by Tomahawk, Death by Scimitar, Death by having your innards ripped out and cooked with carrots and onions, Death by Death. It also has: Frantic Chase on Foot through dense woods, Robert Carlyle as a weird f*cker who eats people, Rajon' Banjo Music, Skeletons (Dead), Flea from Red Hot Chilli Peppers, David Arquette getting killed, Indian Abuse, and a Falling sequence that puts any other falling sequence to shame. This punk falls so far he picks up company. Very nice Pro-Cannibalism message. 7. Just One of The Guys (1985): It's not the 80's with out the occasional gender bending, cross dressing flick and this is one of the best. Featuring a cast of thousands, Most or all of which have never been heard from or since. The premise: A chick, the beautifully large breasted Joyce Hyser, wants her SCARY journalism career to be taken seriously. Her teacher, on the other hand, thinks that she should major in DICK and minor in COOKING instead of journalism when she gets to college like any self-respecting woman would. In order to prove she has what it takes, she enrolls at the HIGH SCHOOL ACROSS THE STREET as a GUY. She gets her horny, sexually stupid brother, MIKEY FROM PARKER LEWIS CAN'T LOSE, to teach her how to walk, talk, think, act and scratch like a guy but she ends up looking like RALPH MACCHIO from the KARATE KID. Skipping...She proves that she IS just as good as the guys, but ends up falling in love with local COOL NERD, Clayton Rohner (some extra on STAR TREK THE NEXT PENETRATION) which provides for some VERY awkwardly GAY situations. Wrapping it up, all points are proven, MIKEY gets laid, Joyce gets laid, Clayton gets laid SHERILYN FENN almost has a LESBIAN ENCOUNTER and Joyce reveals herself as a chick by, well, if YOU were a chick (and you are) how would YOU prove that you were a chick to the guy who's pants You’re trying to get into? Exactly. Pay attention to the scenes where Joyce (as a guy) has to play a SHIRTS vs SKINS game of basketball in GYM CLASS (guess which side she's on!). Written by FULL HOUSE AUTUER, JEF FRANKLIN!!! Whew, still have a lot left! 6. Holiday in the Sun (2001): Who would have predicted this one? Not the movie, but the fact that the Olsen twins are smokin' hot! All I wanna know is one thing, which one is the slut? I'm a Mary Kate man myself, but I’m betting that that Ashley is a dirty little girl. I like to think of myself as a PIMP MASTER Z but that's beside the point. I can usually call when a chick is going to be hot. For example: In 1987 I was in love with Punky Brewster, I knew she was going to be a smokin' piece of a**. I was right. In fact Punky was so HOT she had to tone down her hotness by getting breast reduction. Damn! Let's see, who else...I called that chick on Who's the Boss as being hot. Ok that was an easy one...lets see...Well, I can't think of anymore right now, let’s just say I know what I’m talking about and leave it at that. What?! You still don't believe me? Ok, here's a test. Let's run down the list of possible candidates for hotness in the future. Pepsi Girl : Not going to be Hot Amanda Bynes: Already Hot, not legal yet. Michelle Trachtenberg: Already Hot, not legal yet. ...hmm... this is harder than I thought. Tina Yothers: Legal, but not hot. Enough! Look the Olsen Twins are hot. Get used to it. When they finally become legal I can jerk off to them without feeling like a perverted piece of sh*t. Until then I must live in sin. Besides, they'll be in Maxim by the end of 2003, I guarantee that! *intermission* -eye break- *end intermission* 5a. Clarissa Explains it All (circa. 1991): OHHH AHHH! OOHHH YEAAH Baby!!! I just noticed on TV that they have two new Nickelodeon Channels, One with old school NICK GAME SHOWS and one with old NICK COMEDIES!!! Oh yeah!!! And Clarissa was one of my favorites. I don't know exactly WHAT she explains, but damn Melissa Joan Hart was one of my favorite chickies on TV. A show that was both irreverent, witty and just plain strange AND starred a CHICK!! Who knew chicks had a sense of humor? What was with her gay friend Sam climbing into her window every day? Yeah, he was gay. All that time, never made one move. Hell if you're 15 and you're climbing into the window of a 15 year old girl, you WON'T be playing with her magic computer. Well, you will but it's not the MAGIC COMPUTER you're thinking of. 5b. Degrassi Jr. High (1989): Let's not Forget Degrassi Jr. High. Canadian High School Melodrama at it's finest. The most f*cked up buch of high school jocks and princesses this side of Dawson's Creek. I just remember the title sequence ended with a close up of some chick’s a** in acid-washed jeans...ah...the 80's. 4. Resident Evil I: REDUX (2002) Remember when playing with yourself was cool? All your friends did it. It makes you feel good when you do it a lot. Well, it's time to whip out your controller again because...it's time. Once more into the breach my friends, it's time for GAY SURVIVAL HORROR!!! YAAAYY!! This time around its...LAST TIME. Actually it's the LAST THREE TIMES as it's back to RESIDENT EVIL I for some good old fashion shenanigans. Once again the evils that lurk inside the hearts of man are manifested as ZOMBIES, ZOMIBE DOGS, ZOMBIE CROWS, MUTANTS (called HUNTERs), MUTANT SPIDERS, MUTANT SHARKS and finally Da TYRANT!!! This time you play as either my delicious little sexy curvaceous pixilated tart, Jill Valentine or...Chris. Can you survive the horror once again? Will Chris FINALLY get some of that tang? Why does Jill look vaguely ASIAN? Yes, these questions and more will be answered in: RESIDENT EVIL REDUX!!! SUPER SECRET SPECIAL TRICKS!!!!!!!!!!! Beat it once to unlock: Real Survivor Mode: The most realistic mode to date! Low Ammo! ENEMIES AMPED UP ON GOD MODE!! Drop Boxes not interconnected! Tons of BACKTRACKING!!! One Tough Zombie: The closest thing to mixing RE3: NEMESIS with RE I. ZOMBIE FORRESTER tracks you throughout the game with TONS OF C4 STRAPPED TO HIS A**!! YOU CAN'T KILL HIM!!!! Beat the game normally to unlock... Invisible Enemy Mode: INSANE MODE!!! ENEMIES ARE INVISIBLE!!! HARDLY ANY AMMO! GOOD LUCK FOLKS!!!! 3. Princess Diaries (2001): I'M...COMMING...Out!!! I'm coming out!! I want the world to know, got to let it show, that I am coming out. I'm coming out...IIIII'M Coming up so you better get this party started! IIIIIII'MMMM coming up so you better get this party started...get this party started on a Saturday night everybody's waiting for me to arrive...sending out the message to all of my friends... We’ll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz... I got lots of style check my gold diamond rings, I can go for miles if you know what I mean... Pink, will you Marry Me? Oh and the movie wasn't halfway bad either! 2. Worlds Of Power #6 Bionic Commando!: Please instruct us! Descent or Transfer! Actually this is the Novella of Bionic Commando for the Nintendo Entertainment System. In this one Super Joe is Kidnapped!!! OH NO!!! and it's up to Jack Markson and his newly acquired Bionic Arm to go and rescue him! Will Jack be up to the task? Will he meet a hot spy chick along the way? Will he meet a shot little smart alec kid named Tiger? Will he make a Pizza break?? Oh yes, and more! In this exciting and engaging novel of Treachery, Deceit, Heartbreak and Triumph! Bionic Commando! 1. Good Burger (1997): Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger can I take your order?

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