Dear Hollywood Video,

Thank you for a fairly enjoyable business relationship, but thanks mainly for not being Blockbuster Video. I remember that when I first found you, I thought that I had stumbled upon true love (just like that Romeo guy felt about that chick he wooed prior to Juliet).

As I explained when we first met, I still remember the sticker shock that I experienced when I first started renting videos on the East Coast. Accustomed as I had been to 99-cent video rentals in El Paso (probably because the tapes were pirated copies manufactured in Juarez), the idea that renting a video would cost me $4-$5 was mind-numbing at first. Since I could get a ticket to a matinee showing of a film for that much, I couldn't see how such chains as Blockbuster Video and West Coast Video stayed in business.

But then I discovered you, Hollywood Video, with your eminently sane 5-day rental policy (a policy that would later be wrongheadedly imitated by your diabolical competitor, Blockbuster, whose owners will surely burn in brimstone forever for having charged God one too many outrageous late fees).

The question is not "How do I love thee?", for my heart now belongs to Netflix. But before I bid you adieu, perhaps the best way for us to remain friends is for me to ask, "How did I love thee?" and to count the ways.

#1: 5-day rental policy with $1 rebate option

Since video rental places have determined that they are obliged to gouge their customers in order to succeed in the business world, my attitude is simple: I want to know what's in the gouging for me. Being able to rent absolutely any video (new release or otherwise) for five days for four dollars makes me feel sort of like I'm just racking up a few days worth of (reasonable) 99-cent fees on a 99-cent video. But just in case I watch a video the same night I rent it and make my way back to the store to rent another video the next night, it's nice to get a dollar back for the early return.

#2: No hassle guaranteed availability

Blockbuster is so averse to having to honor their guaranteed availability promise concerning selected video releases that they buy 75 kajillion copies of nonsensical twaddle such as Pay It Forward so as not to have to let anyone see anything for free. Now what kind of message does this send to Hollywood executives other than to encourage them to make more movies like Pay It Forward? Again, surely the owners of (and all shareholders in) Blockbuster Video will receive the personal attention of Satan when they reach their ultimate destination.

But as for you, Hollywood Video, while you do tend to overstock your shelves with the movies that the simpering yes-men critics of the newspapers tell the rest of us that we must see, you don't overdo it. Not only do you leave enough room for other films (films that are actually worth watching), but you don't get in a huff when one of your guaranteed selections is out of stock. Mrs. Sloucho and I never had to do anything more than to ask whether a copy of _________ was in before we were cheerfully handed a voucher for the video (to be honored as soon as the video became available).

#3: Video Game Selection

You and I are going to have to get through this uncomfortable break-up because we will be seeing more of one another when certain new computer games are released. I learned the hard way that it is never a good idea to purchase a video game, no matter how rave the reviews, without first trying it out myself. Your selection of rentable titles is fairly extensive, but I'm also impressed by the fact that you carry used video games (at significantly--thought not quite impressively--reduced rates) in much the same way that you carry used videos.

Unfortunately, since this review is modeled on a love sonnet, there must be a turn, and turns are usually signalled by such words as 'however,' 'yet,' or 'still.'

But I would do us both a disservice if I did not take this opportunity to point out your flaws. There were a few things I didn't love about you.

#1: What exactly is the point of a return policy contingent upon when your store closes?

That's a rhetorical question. I understand that all policies made by video rental chains are designed to make money. And I know that an extraordinarily high amount of the revenue generated by video chains (as high as 50% in the case of Blockbuster) comes from late fees. But it still doesn't seem sane to insist that I get my videos back to you the minute before your store closes rather than before it opens.

After all, if I bring in my video just before closing, what is it going to do but sit on a shelf overnight? Couldn't it just as easily sit in the drop box overnight? Instead of having me return my videos to you by closing time of the fifth day after the rental, I would have liked to be able to return them before opening on the sixth.

#2: Rather Limited DVD Selection

I can't fault you for being stingy with shelf-space for DVDs. After all, you simply cannot compete with Netflix. Why would I pay you $4 to choose from a few hundred DVD titles with the possibility of incurring late fees when I can pay Netflix roughly $2/rental in order to have access to hundreds of thousands of titles with no late fees whatsoever? I wouldn't. You know I wouldn't because you're not stupid. But even if your future looks bleak, I know you'll say the same thing Mehitabel was fond of saying: "There's a dance or two left in the old dame yet." I wish you well in your attempt to compete.

#3: Concessions

I'll confess I never understood your movie style concession stand. Was I supposed to think that $3 was a reasonable price for some microwavable popcorn, a bottle of soda, and a candy bar just because the items would have cost me $3 each at the theater? And why would I want to drink soda with a candy bar anyway? I rent movies in order to watch them at home--usually while eating supper. Frankly, your feeble display of overpriced junk food always made me a teency bit sad for you. But I understand; you have to be who you are.

The concluding couplet

Though Netflix will play Sitting Bull to your Custer,
You still fought quite nobly against foul Blockbuster.

Adieu for now, my sweet.




My review of Netflix can be found here:
http://www.epinions.com/content_26807864964/tk_~CB003.1.46


Recommended: Yes