Inside the Mind of a Hollywood ProducerJun 07 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Smoking a cigar, sitting behind a desk, talking loudly, full of opinions - that's the life...of a Hollywood producer.
Ever wondered why some movies are made…well here’s your chance. Inside the mind of a Hollywood producer……… 8MM “Let’s face it, that damn porn industry is making more money than we are. We need to create a movie which dwells in subject matter on the porn industry, yet makes them into the evil entity who must be conquered by an angel sent by God. Hey that reminds me, get Nicholas Cage on the phone!” Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery “I am so sick and tired of Leslie Nelson coming in here, telling me how he another great idea for a movie parody. What we need is someone fresh, someone who has an original idea, someone who isn’t 60 years old! Get me that man from So I Married An Axe, he knows what people want. He’s young, he’s hip, he better have a good idea!” Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me “I knew that Austin thing was a gold mine, now let’s milk it for everything we can. Lets bring in Jerry Springer! a miniature man! butt jokes—and I mean butt jokes this time, and see if you can figure out how to use Starbucks…I like their coffee.” Analyze This “Look DeNiro, the gangster genre is gone. People have seen enough Godfathers, enough Casino’s, enough Scarfacesss. Comedy is in right now, wait a minute I just had a great idea. We put you in a movie playing a gangster with some sort of a problem, and make a comedy/parody out of it. The whole point of the movie will be…look it’s DeNiro playing a gangster, and he’s being funny!” Armageddon “Ok Michael, let’s face it you’re the next James Cameron, but your not there quite yet. We need you to continue yet once again with what your good at. Action movies. This time around however we need more, more explosions, more characters, heck even a romantic theme to get those darn teenagers into the theater so they can tell all their friends how they cried and how this was the best movie ever made. After that, maybe you can make a movie about a boat.” A Simple Plan “It’s very simple! I like that, let’s put that word in the title. We need to gather three Hollywood stars and throw them into a simple movie, with a simple plot, and make anything but simple. We need to find a director who is used to making simple movies, so we can show that he’s anything but simple. But for this to work, we need to find a simple way of coming up with an idea…I know, let use a book.” As Good As It Gets “Once in a while we need to show that humanity can be found in anyone, anywhere, and in even the hardest of times. Let’s take every taboo we can think of, and throw them into a comedy, a harsh comedy, which makes the audience realize that getting along with everyone is as good as it gets. There I go with those titles again!” Arlington Road “Look I recently ran into this guy in San Francisco, he had a great idea for a movie. He took bits and pieces of several episodes of the X-files and has really created an interesting, yet thrilling movie.” Blade Runner “You know what that is sitting on my shelf? That is the DW Griffith award! He was a great man, the pioneer of the movie industry. I envision a world in the future, where we have once again created slaves, and once again we try to rob them of their lives. We can do this, will make it very slow and symbolic, and if the director doesn’t do what we want, we’ll change the movie on him.” Blade “Vampire’s remind me so much of myself. It’s too bad I already told Michael Bay to start on that Armageddon movie, because I envision a movie where we have an action star kick some vampire butt. We need someone buff, someone who can grin better than they can act. Hmmm.” Bedazzled “Ok everyone listen up. As I’m sure you know, in order to get this job I had to sell my soul to the devil. That being said again, I have to at least make one devil movie a year. Now the guy downstairs wasn’t too happy to of been made into a gay lover of Saddam Hussain in South Park, so I have to come up with a new image for him. I was thinking of taking a really, and I mean really sexy woman and make her the devil in a comedy about finding love. The sole purpose is to make the devil into a savior of love. Can we do this?” Coyote Ugly “I just got off the phone with Jerry and he has decided to tackle the world of women who fight to make it big in the world. Forget such tiresome events like saving the world from an asteroid, in this movie he will save women from oppression. And while your at it, make sure you find some innocent looking actress who has a decent body for those times when we need her to show a little skin. Oh, and see if you can get that child prodigy LeAnn Rimes to sing some sexy song just to blur the line between innocence and sex.” Cruel Intentions “Let’s take three popular teen actors, and throw them into a movie about sex, sex, and sex, and see if it will be popular.” Can’t Hardly Wait “Let’s take six popular teen actors, and throw them into a movie about sex, sex, alcohol, and sex and see if it will be popular.” Cast Away “I have this great idea for a movie trailer. Lets show Tom Hanks struggling to survive on a desert island. Let’s show how he gets there, what he does while there, and what happens after he gets off. Then let’s form that into a movie, a good enough movie that will make people mad that we gave it all away in the trailer. Quick Fed Ex this script to Mr. Hanks.” Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon “Remember that An Lee guy from The Ice Storm? I liked that movie. I hear he’s made a movie oversees completely in Chinese. Let’s slap on some subtitles, and give it comparisons to The Matrix, that will bring in all the young and hip. Heck, if it’s successful we’ll proclaim it as the best movie of the year, because it’s an action movie with a heart. Those two never go together, if they do, it has to win the Oscar.” Disturbing Behavior “I have an original idea, let take three popular teen actors, and throw them into a horror movie, and even better let’s make sex bad, drugs that kill, and school teachers who along with parents find ways to mold their kids back into good moral “somethings”. Ah heck, it will come to us.” Faculty, The “Oh! Oh! I just amaze myself with how original I can be, let’s take six popular teen actors, and throw them into a horror movie about a school filled with teachers who slowly take over the school by turning the kids into….damn, again it will come to us.” Fifteen Minutes “Hey John! This script just came across my desk! It combines together three groups we just love to hate. The cops, the media, and the bad guys. Who cares if it attempts to try to say something, lets make it into a film” Get Carter “That stupid Stallone guy keeps calling, wanting to restart his career. I keep telling him, if you want a good movie, you’re going to have to write it. But ever since the filming of Rocky he can’t put two sentences together. Let me see what I have here on my desk…..oh yeah, there’s this film about a tough guy…he can do that…who beats up people as a job….he can do that….who goes on a mission to find a killer….he can do that…..all the while has a heart to do good….hmmm, oh hell…let’s just throw in a huge heaping of MTV style filming and that will cover it all up.” L.A. Confidential “We need a period piece. Something to remind of us what L.A. was and perhaps still is all about, the glamour, the old cars, the prostitutes.” Matrix, The “The time has come to make a movie with extensive special effects, where the plot doesn’t try to veer away or be an addition to the special effects, but is the special effect.” Meet Joe Black “You know, I just hate it when someone comes into my office with a screenplay the size of a dictionary, and tells me they’ve already got Brad Pitt and Sir Anthony Hopkins interested. What can I say? Ok take notes, if it succeeds we will praise it on its originality and the fine performances from some of the top actors in the industry. If it fails, we will just say, it was because it was too damn long. Everyone wins.” Mulan “Please forgive me Walt, I’ve decided to take Disney into the next frontier. A movie set in a foreign land, a movie with transvestitism, a movie with implied nudity, and a movie so down right funny that it will revive our franchise. The days of cheap storytelling with extravagant music numbers are over, this year we intend to eat!” Mummy, The “Summer time is creeping up on us, and we need to make another action movie where the special effects are far more important than the characters, heck even the plot doesn’t need to be believable. But just in case, let’s set it in a time long ago, where we can easily get away with plot holes.” Negotiator, The “You know what happened to me last night? I got pulled over by a cop, I was only going 50 miles an hour over the speed limit down the Pacific Coast Highway. But he left me off, only because I told him I was going to make a movie which ultimately shows the police in a good light. Ok, since we need to at least make it interesting, lets make it a good cop bad cop thing. I hear that F. Gary Gray is free, or is it F. Gray Gary…just get FGG on the phone!” Supernova “It’s that time of the month again. Get together several famous actors who don’t have massive egos…yes I know they are hard to find…and put them into this science fiction epic which will probably suck…and if it does we’ll just release it straight to video. Make sure it has lots of special effects, a few love scenes in outer space, and if you can…make sure the actors, act in way unlike they have previously acted, that will allow us to cover our asses and blame it all on the bad acting.” more to come……..  |
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