How to Write Good Epinions Stuff (Maybe)Jun 10 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Dammit, be good; but be different.
“Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.” (Gene Fowler)Actually, writing for Epinions is much easier than that. Now, I’m not going to be so presumptuous as to give you any advice whatsoever on the real nuts and bolts of writing product reviews. I don’t do that stuff. But, I can tell you a little bit about how to make whatever kind of stuff you write a little more readable, a little more fun to write, and help you to stand out from the crowd. Might mean the difference between a “Helpful” rating and a “Very Helpful.” Might also take some of the stress out of writing, and make you want to write some more. “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.” (Groucho Marx)Know your material. Unless you’ve been living alone and naked in an unfurnished cave out in the middle of nowhere, there must be at least a few items on the Epinions database that you’ve had experience with. Write about the things you know well. We have experts on everything around here and you’re not going to fool folks. Besides, knowing your subject makes the writing a lot easier. This isn’t sex; you don’t have to fake it. “I learned that you should feel when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountain top, but like a child stringing beads in kindergarten, - happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another.” (Brenda Ueland)Writing anything, even a grocery list, requires a plan. Now you don’t have to be like Eisenhower planning the Normandy invasion, but you should have some sort of an outline to keep you organized, on-track, and to assist you in making sure that you cover all the important points. Take ten or fifteen minutes at the start and develop your outline. List everything in bullet form...arrange it…add stuff…take away some stuff...rearrange it…and rearrange it again until it seems like it flows properly from beginning to end. More is better than less. A comprehensive, well-organized outline is ninety per cent of the game. String those beads first. “Any clod can have the facts; having opinions is an art.” (Charles McCabe)If the name of the place didn’t tip you off already, this place is about opinions…yours. There are varying schools of thought here. Some folks think that you have to tell everything (yawn) there is to know about a product for a review to get a high rating. They’ll bury you in facts, colors, sizes, ingredients, and details until you wave your “VH” like a white flag in brain-dead surrender. They flat out wear you down with helpfulness. Is that really what most folks want? I think not. Your experience and opinion is the key element to a useful review. Define the essence of what you are reviewing. When people are looking for a product of this type, what do they want from it? Does it do what it is supposed to? Does it do it easily and well? What are the plusses and minuses? How long have you owned it? Is it hardworking, sturdy and reliable? What’s the warranty like? And how’s the service when something breaks? These are the things that most people are interested in when they’re contemplating a purchase. And these are the most valuable things that you and only you can tell them…your experience. I don’t give a damn if it doesn’t go well with your drapes. Maybe it’s your drapes’ fault. O.K. You’ve got your outline and you have a feel for what you want to, and should, write about. Now comes the fun part…writing it. “I'm a lousy writer; a helluva lot of people have got lousy taste.” (Grace Metalious)I guess the first rule is that there really ain’t no rules. I kind of make mine up as I go along, and it’s served me well here. Good English? Bah! Don’t worry about it. Write the way you talk…the way you feel most comfortable. Be yourself. The biggest problem that new folks have here is that they try to impress. They try to play the part of some fancy professional reviewer. Their language becomes formal, stilted and unnatural. I try to write every essay like I’m just sitting down with an old friend and having a normal conversation. I don’t try to impress anybody. “For I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me.” (A. A. Milne)But, that’s just me. “One should never write down or up to people, but out of yourself.” (Christopher Isherwood) As far as vocabulary is concerned, I don’t have one for talking and a separate one for writing. Most stuff I write could probably be easily read and understood by the average third grader. Because that’s the way I talk. Don’t use big words that you don’t normally use, because you’re probably going to use ‘em wrong. And people will notice and rate you accordingly (or accordianingly, if you’re musically inclined), and probably goof on you behind your back on the Epinions related message boards. The other side of the coin is that if you are one of those folks with a great vocabulary, you can let out all the stops here. There’s no need to dumb down your stuff. Hell, even I own a dictionary. I’ll figure it out. If you’ve been using all those ten dollar words all your life, well that’s you, and it’ll come out perfectly natural. Bottom line? Don’t try to “write up” or dumb down…just be yourself. "When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." (George Washington Carver)Develop your own style. Some of the best and most popular writers on this site have a little gimmick or recognizable style all their own that lends spice and individuality to everything they write. Epinions is a website…a fantasy world…so indulge those fantasies. Want to write from the perspective of Winston Churchill or a Warrior Princess …by all means. Add some color or flavor to this place…please. “I don't think you get to good writing unless you expose yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don't come from the surface; they come from the deep down.” (Judy Collins)Most people here, especially the long-time members, love a review that’s personalized...a review where the writer shares some of himself or herself. Give us a relevant personal anecdote that lets us get to know you a little. Don’t let it dominate a product review, but try to work it in to make a point or illustrate some of your experience with the product. Personal anecdotes humanize your writing. New folks don’t realize right off that Epinions is not just a consumer site; it’s a community. You’re a stranger here in the beginning, but open up a little in your reviews and you’ll become a friend. “If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.” (Kingsley Amis)Don’t follow the crowd. Be bold! Tell it like it is. If you feel very strongly about something, let those feelings show in your writing. Negative reviews are popular here. They warn people off bad products and save them money and a lot of frustration. Don’t be afraid of being controversial. Controversy is good. Put passion in your writing. The site has become full of dry, bloodless, workmanlike reviews and essays. Anything written with gusto and conviction will stand out and be noticed. Oh, you’ll surely get your share of detractors and some poor ratings, but you will become known and read. “A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.’" (Jake Johanson)I know you’re trying to write a serious product review, but take off that white laboratory coat and put down the clipboard for a moment and make me laugh. That’s right, add some humor. You have to understand that the members here spend a considerable amount of time reading and rating reviews…one after another...day after day. Gets pretty dry and boring. Make them laugh and they’ll appreciate it and come back for more. “Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.” (Cole Porter)A little off-color remark or sexual innuendo can be an attention grabber, but don’t overdo it. Use it as a seasoning; not the main ingredient. "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." (Antoine de Saint Exupery)By now, if you’ve followed my advice, you’ve written a comprehensive, controversial, heavily opinionated, funny, naughty review on a coffee-maker from the standpoint of an ax murderer that is chock full of personal anecdotes. The problem is it runs ten to fifteen thousand words. Uh Oh! Time to use that ax for a different purpose. The best writers are merciless editors of their own work. Go back and read your review…again and again. Edit and refine it. See what works and keep it; get rid of what doesn’t. Spell check it. That is very important. No one is perfect, and some errors will get by, but make it look professional and readable. It’s easy enough. When you try to post, Epinions highlights spelling errors in yellow…find ‘em and fix ‘em. You lose points for laziness in this place. It means you don’t care. And if you don’t care, no one else will. “Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond reason the opinion of others.” (Virginia Woolf)You took all of my advice. You’ve posted. And your review fell flat. (What the hell do you want from me? I’m no Top Reviewer.) What do you do? You can hunt me down and try to kill me. Or you can write again. Writing is like anything else; the more you do it, the better you get at it. Besides, if someone didn’t like what you wrote or the way you wrote, it doesn’t make them right. You have to keep a few things in mind. First off, you’ll never please everyone here. There are too many different types of people and everyone expects something a little different when they read and rate. Second, it’s only a web-site and even the worst rating doesn’t mean a damn thing in real life. Remember what I said about Epinions being a fantasy world. Well, when the dogs come barking and nipping at your ankles, and they surely will one day, just blow them off. A bad rating doesn’t mean that you suck as a human being (although, in fact, you might). The best way to annoy your critics is to keep writing your way, refine your skills, and become successful at it. That’ll sure shut them up. My last bit of advice is to try to do something a little different in your reviews. Find a unique perspective that sets your reviews apart from the rest. Break the Epinions mold and fearlessly blaze your own trail. Don’t do what I just did. “After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.” (Henry Louis Mencken) |
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