JED P. FUDDPLUCKER SEZ "IF'N I RUNNED HOLYWOOD" MOOVIES WOOD BE MORE FUN
Jun 10 '02
The Bottom Line This hear is part of a rite-off that I posted ronglike in another section. I hope this is satiring enuff.
Wull, woodn't you node it? Mike.Holmes sined up fer a rite/off called "If'n I Run Holywood" and then he turns it over to yore's trulee. Yep, this hear is Jed P. Fuddplucker talkin' 'bout running Holywood. This hear fellar Tigger500 dun thunk this thang up and he broke the
rite/off down to two parts wot seams more like 5 parts but hear goes:
Part 1
SUBPART 1a CAREER ADVICE
Bein' an falter to a lawyerlike person, I giss I git to see lots ot careers. Lots of the careers I see are the crimnal kind. But I do have sum advicing to do to some of them Holywood folks:
1. TOM CRUISE, BRIAN DE PALMA AND JOHN WOO. Pleese forgit all about the Mishun Imposible show. If'n your gonna make a moovie about that grate TV sho from the 70's, at leest make it sumthin' like the show. 'Member that sho folks. The M.I. folks wuz a teem. They dun everthang together. Wot did Cruise and De Palma do in the firstest moovie? They had members of the teem fitin' fer the bad gys. This stunk up reel bad and Woo didn't do much better. I thunk at the time they shoold a called them moovies, "Tom's
Exceelent Advenshore, Parts 1 and 2."
2. JOHN TRAVOLTA. Wot haz gotten into this man? Way back he dun sum good stuff and then disappeared 'til "Pulp Ficsion" wuz made. But a lowlite of his'n career had to be
"Battleship Earth". Now M.H and I red that book witch wuz purty good and I hears that Mr. Travolta follers the philosfee of that Hubbard feller. Wull, he and the riters and directors of the moovie shooda red the book cuz they's moovie ain't nothin' like it. Talk about sicknen, that moovie took the prize fer putrificasion. John ain't dun much lately so I reckon he shood go back to sangin' an' dancin'.
3. ARNOLD SWARTZENAGER or whatever. Time to hang 'em up buddy. Wile ah'm shore you cood whip M.H's a*rse all over the place (larned that term from an Aussie), you jist
ain't believabull as the action hero no more. You know, even John Wayne stopped playin' them duke-em-out rolls wen he got to yore age. Think about doin' "Twins Too" with that
little fellar Danny Mosquito.
SUBPART 1B-MAH DREEM PROJECTS
Hmm. Don't know if'n Ah dreem or M.H do the dreemin' but if'n I runned Holywood, I'd shore like to do sum more Westerns. Oh, I knows we got Westerns in the sky with Star
Wars 'n all, but I want more of them down and dirty moovies wear the good gys where white hats and the bad gys all haz bad teeth. Ah'd cast Jack Nickelson as the corroded shirf
and Natalie Portsman as the damsle in destress. Ah'm a bit cornfused with this here part an' Subpart 1C called the castin' couch so ah'm kindy combinin' 'em. Anywoo, the hero wood be that Kevin Spacey feller. 'Course he woodn't want to kill nobody; but in the end, he'd have to brang his old trustee six-shooter out. Ol' Jack's deputies wood be played by Gary Oldham, James Woods and William Defoe (let me ask y'all a reel quick querstion here; do y'all think Defoe kneaded that mask to be the Green Gorblin in spiderboy?)
Spacey's friends wood be Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Pee Wee Herman. They all face off at noon near Madamn Rosey's place (Madamn is played by Nicole Kidman) and it's grate fun from that point on.
SUBPART 1D--RED LIGHTS
Wull, Ah seen this hear topic an' thought it wuz 'bout a certain part of town but then that Tigger feller 'splained that we wuz spose to rite 'bout trends we don't like. M.H kinda did this in his revue 'bout "About A Boy" witch wuz a reel good movie with none of them SPACIAL EFFECTATIONS. The trend Ah reckonAh don't like the most is that moovies
that have a lotta dialalog seam to unpoplar. On the otherest hand, if'n you put a bunch of dumb teens together or let everone get chopped up and et by a monster or put all these wierd effectations in, then the moovie will be a hit. Ah like good ritin' altho ah'm shore it's hard to
tell wot with the way Ah rites.
PART TOO--MISHANDLED MOOVIES
Wull, Ah'm goin' way back hear with a favorite Sci-fi moovie of mine called "Colossus: The Forbin Project." The moovie wuz maid in 1970 and starred Eric Brieden, Susan Clark and sum other peeple. "Collossus" wuz a compooter that wuz 'sposed to make everthan hunky-dory fer all us peeple on Urth. But it don't turn out that way a'tall. Like most good sci-fi, thar wuz a lessen to larn from the moovie (and the book it wuz baced on) but seams like no
one new 'bout the moovie and if'n they had, they wood a still eggnored it. That lessen is that we shoodn't put all our eggs in one basket and depend too much on machines to do our thankin'. Been to a place lately whar the compooter is down? Peeple act like the end of the world is neer. Can't add nor subtract so no change can be given. Lordy knows wot the compooters are up to in Warshington. Anyhow, I thank this wuz a good film that had no budget for marketin' so it wuz kindy a secret moovie.
Wull, hope you injoyed this hear peace of ritin'. Like Tigger500, I didn't know what to put it so I used Mission Impossible. Be shore to reed the other entries witch are:
StephenKey66
Kidhendrix
Monnie1976 and the host
Tigger500.
Thanks fer reedin'. Wooboy, I jist luvs all the yellar that eponion puts on my riting!
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Member: Mike Holmes
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