THE REALLY FRIENDLY SKIES, CUBANA AIRLINES Jun 26 '02    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line A classic resurrected from the Epinions travel vaults, (hopefully). I had to think about where to put this piece. There is no section for Cubana Airlines (gee I wonder why), and somehow despite everything it really wasn't a "horror story", so here it sits, or flies, or whatever. Purists please forgive me if I've put it in the wrong spot. It's no secret that I've travelled to Cuba a lot. Just check out the number of reviews I've written on the place. Most times I go down it's via the air conditioned comfort of one of the numerous charter airlines that have frequent direct flights out of Toronto and/or Montreal. Depending on where you want to go on the island, there is almost daily service there via the various charters. A couple of years ago, for a change I decided to fly down via Cubana, the Cuban national airline. Cubana does offer regular service several times a week from either Havana and/or Varadero into Toronto and Montreal. Lets just say I really wasn't looking forward to a flight on a thirty year old Russian jet for which there had been no spare parts available for ten years. A few years earlier I had a flight from Santiago de Cuba to Jamaica cancelled the night before. I was advised matter of factly that the reason the flight was cancelled was because the "engine fell off the plane, senor." Lets just say that if you see the co-pilot getting on with a roll of duct tape in his hands, get off, quickly. The Cubana flight originated from Terminal Two at Pearson International Airport, (the nightmare terminal), because Cubana is affiliated with Air Canada. Quell surprise there. After paying off my Sherpa guide who helped me find the boarding gate, (see my review of Air Canada and Terminal 2 at PIA), the fun and games began. You are first treated to the spectacle of all the flight crew, Government officials, Cuban business men, and other nationals returning home trying to board with as much electronic junk and other consumer items as they can. We're not talking small items, we're talking TVs, refrigerators etc. and some of them consider this carry on luggage. The plane was less than half full so I had a row of three seats to myself. The first thing I discovered was how much leg room there is on the Illuyshin passenger jet. I accidentally hit the seat in front of me and it collapsed. Well I thought instant foot rest. This and the escaping steam or whatever that filled the cabin in a kind of Terminator or Aliens set motif, really had me in a confident mood for the flight ahead. Next we were treated to the safety briefing by the flight attendants. On most flights nowadays this is a mechanical presentation usually done by a video, with the crew going through the motions and guaranteed to put you to sleep. Not so on Cubana, here it's a laugh filled riot. The one flight attendant with a command of English gives a stirring spiel in that sexy Spanish accent that only lovely Latinas have. "Chokay, when thee plane crash, choo got to put on your life vest, chokay!." When! What happened to if? I wondered as I looked under the seat for my vest. No vest. I checked the seat beside me, no vest there either. Third seat had something yellow under it. I presumed it was the vest, but decided not to press my luck and pull it out. Up front my Latin goddess continued. "Chokay when the oxygen fails, choo got to use de masks that fall from the roof. Chokay." Something told me there were no masks. "Chokay everyting is on the card in the seat back in front of choo, chokay!"" Seat back. I don't even have a seat back in front of me anymore. I checked frantically around and eventually found a battered and stained safety card a couple of rows ahead. I shoved it in my pocket (I still have it as souvenir). Fortunately the drink service started soon. On Cubana I think this meant a bottle of Three Year Old Havana Club for everyone, crew included. When the plane crashed, I'd at least be in a happy mood. Now if I could only talk the new love of my life into some English lessons, to calm my nerves. Nothing hard, just the difference between two little words, "when" and "if." Then it was the pilots turn. After an incomprehensible speech in Spanish, we taxied out to the runway and took off. Obviously he used to pilot Migs and wanted us all to know it. We used maybe all of seventy five feet of the three thousand feet of available runway to get airborne. The flight down was rather uneventful after that. In that I mean the wings or engines didn't fall off or anything. The flight attendant came over and spent the flight chatting with me. Hey thirty odd years of socialism means why should she waste her time waiting hand and foot on a bunch of Norte Americanos. If they wanted something, like another drink or their meal, they knew where the galley was right. At first I thought she was interested in me and was about to suggest meeting for a drink at my hotel in Havana, or dinner, or breakfast. It soon became apparent that all she wanted was my magazine. There was a picture of Sly Stallone on the cover, and she told me she "mucho gusta Rambo". What could I do, I gave her the magazine, I'm weak. The landing at Varadero was uneventful and brief and I mean that literally. I can almost hear the conversation in the cockpit between the pilots. "Hey Juan what idiot designed this runway. I mean its 2,000 feet wide and only 200 feet long eh." A quick stop at the bar. Ok a lengthy one, and we were off again. Obviously the co-pilot was in charge of this take off, and he just had to show his colleague that he was the better Mig pilot. He beat his colleague's distance by at least thirty feet. That's Ok I always wanted to know what it was like to be on the space shuttle when it took off. We landed in Havana, late at night and I really didn't care anymore. I breezed through customs and made straight for the bar. Fortunately Havana has a lot of bars and fortunately I know where they all are. Oh the return flight? I have no idea what it was like. I stayed up the night before and drank steadily. I slept the whole way home. POST SCRIPT: A couple of months ago I had to fly down to Havana again on business. Ok I needed to work on my sun tan and I was out of Cohiba cigars. The only flight available on the day I wanted to go was Cubana. With a little trepidation I approached Terminal Two, Hey once was exciting, twice is just plain crazy. After the check in follies which hadn't changed, I came to the departure lounge and looked out the window and saw a brand new Airbus. At first I thought I had went to the wrong gate. A second look confirmed that I was in the right place, the plane was painted in Cubana livery. I boarded and discovered that Cubana has leased this new aircraft, for what they consider their most important tourist express, Toronto, Montreal, Havana. Even the flight crew are leased, Irish pilots et all, if you can believe it. The flight attendants were the same lovelies, but the fun was all gone. They were all business now. The safety briefing was done via the bland video, there were life vests under the seats and safety brochures in the pockets in the set backs. There were even seat backs, no foot stools this time. No self service, no Mig aerobatics, no duct tape. What a change. The only way I could tell this flight apart from any of the Charter airlines I've used was when they brought the drink cart around. Bottles of Havana Club and Cuban Cristal Beer were evident instead of Canadian Club, Molsons Export and Labatts. That and the duty free had five packs of Monte Cristo cigars. Try getting those on that Air Canada. The flight was smooth, professional and yet somehow just not fun. Not that I want the Illushyin again mind, or do I... NOTE: I Originally wrote/published this here on August 4, 2000 in the old "Flying Comfortably Section. I recently noticed that when that category was retired this (and several others) was not automatically transferred to a new category. therefore I have deleted it there, edited it and reposted it here. As a bonus here are the original Comments. All 11 of them. 1) Too funny! by skygirl At my airline, we sing the Barney song-chokay! Tina Aug 05 '00 7:12 am PST 2) Re: Too funny! by James23 Yes but do they issue you rolls of duct tape? Thanks for the comment. James Aug 05 '00 7:52 am PST 3)Another one by friskeycelery James, another outstanding review! Aug 05'00 2:42 pm PST 4) James, great review: by Mark A How about those IL-62s, huh? The only crazier looking air plane is made by the British, and I don't even know the name. The IL-62, four engines, two per side, arms akimbo, lashed to the empenage. Whacky. I wish I could travel to Cuba, but alas, I may not. I have been to Guantanamo during the Hatian Vacation in 1995, and I marvelled at the Banana rats and the land crabs on the eastern end of the island. I may travel there only vicariously through your reviews and other writings. Thanks for the great reviews and recuerda, patria o muerte, viva la isla! Mark. Aug 05 '0010:29 pm PST 5) Re: James, great review: by ChargeDart The British plane is called a Vickers VC-10, if you are talking about a plane that looks like the IL-62. But if you are talking about a four engine high wing regional jet, those are called BAe 146's or Avro RJ's. Donovan Aug 06 '00 9:23 pm PST 6) Re: James, great review: by Mark A Donovan, you know your aircraft! Thanks, I knew it was the Vickers! Aug 06 '00 9:36 pm PST 7) Re: James, great review by James23 He's right Mark, and FYI the RAF used to (still do?) use the VC10 as a long range transport aircraft. Aug 07 '00 5:40 am PST 8) Invest In Toilets! by AinsleyJo If the flight from Canada were going into the USA, it wouldn't be loaded with refrigerators—it would be loaded with large-tank toilets. In fact, all of the seats would be removed, and each passenger would be able to bring his/her own toilet in to sit on during the flight and take home after landing! Choo write very good Epinion, chokay? Aug 10 '00 3:33 pm PST 9) Re: Invest In Toilets! by James23 It does fly over US airspace though. Thanks for the compliment.James Aug 13' 00 7:05 pm PST 10) Great Write Up!!!! by Kent999V I just loved the "What happened to the 'If' ?" section. What a Riot! You are going to make my "lighten Up" list for sure. Thanks for the laugh! Kent Aug 13 '00 8:33 pm PST 11) where angels fear to tread by sumo_rhino You, good sir, are a braver man than I! (I pray for your continued safety.)sumo_rhino May 17 '01 5:43 am PST

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