When Trust is Violated
Jul 15 '02
The Bottom Line Trust is a fragile thing easily broken, but it doesn't have to be permanently broken.
I have been a very lucky parent as far as I'm concerned; my kids are fairly responsible (although a bit messy) and we have always had open, honest communication. I dislike dishonesty, and my kids were always honest with me.
My second oldest child, a daughter, started driving last April and things began to change. She now had a great deal more freedom than ever before. Still, she acted responsibly and kept me apprised of her whereabouts. I got her a cell phone so I wouldn't have to worry about her being stranded somewhere with no way to call home, and life went on as usual.
Until a few weeks ago. She called me in the evening and asked if she could stay over night with a friend. I said yes; she had been friends with this particular girl for several years and I knew her quite well. After I hung up the phone, though, my mother's intuition started kicking into high gear. Within a half hour I knew she had lied to me about where she was going to be. How did I know? I have no clue. I suppose she had always been so honest with me that telling a lie was betrayed by her tone of voice.
At any rate, I called the friend's house and found out that indeed my daughter was not there. So I started calling other friend's. Finally one of her friends mentioned a boy; one that had conveniently given me his phone number earlier that evening when he had called for my daughter. I called his house (and by this time it was after midnight) and asked his mother if my daughter was there. She said no, and after a few minutes of conversation we discovered that her son had said he was staying over with another friend. She got in the car and went over to another kid's house, where she found out that her son and my daughter had left with that kid.
A short while later she went to the house where her son was supposed to be staying, and found out that kid had told his parents he was staying at another kid's house. A-ha. The age-old teenage game of telling parents one was staying over at one house when in reality one was staying somewhere totally different.
My daughter had turned her cell phone off, so I was unable to get in touch with her. Frankly I was worried sick as much as I was upset that she had lied to me. She is a very trusting kid, and simply does not realize that there are bad people out there because she has always been lucky enough to not experience them.
Things turned out okay, and she came home the next day at the time she had said she would be home initially. She called me at work and said she was sorry. I told her how worried I had been, and how upset I had been that she had lied to me.
Later, I asked her *why* she lied to me. She said because I wouldn't have let her go. I asked her why she thought that; I have always been pretty lenient at giving her a reasonable amount of freedom as long as I knew her safety was ensured. Turned out the other kids convinced her she had to lie. We had a lot of talks about the lying and the safety issues and the importance of me knowing where she was and who she was with.
She was amazed that I knew she had lied, and now I think she thinks I am psychic. I thought it was going to be hard for her to regain my trust, and I told her it might take a while. We decided on her consequences together, and she has stuck with them. And our relationship has remained strong through the entire experience.
Trust can be broken easily, but in this instance I found it can also be mended much easier than I thought it would. Only recently have I started to allow her to go out much, and she calls me every hour or so to update me on where she is. This was something she has done on her own, and something I deeply appreciate.
My daughter did violate my trust, and she knows and regrets this deeply. I think this has been a learning experience for both of us, and I believe in my heart that she won't lie to me again. Life is full of these milestones, and raising teenagers is tough in this day and age! I think the strong foundation of our relationship is what carried us through this.
I could have over-reacted and "thrown the book at her". Part of the reason I was not able to do this is because I can remember playing the same "staying over with a friend" game when I was a teenager. Everything turned out all right, and I don't want her to do it again. Had I come down really hard I think she would have been more likely to rebel. Instead, we have discussed it at length several times and she has come up with other ways she should have handled the situation.
A growing experience for all of us. And another aside; the consequences she set for herself as a result of the escapade were more harsh than the ones I set. Interesting.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.