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I Blow.....................Do You?Jul 18 '02 (Updated Feb 27 '03) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line The Ultimate Guide to Driving in Boston.
The Ultimate Guide To Driving In Boston. Part One: You Blow You blow, I blow, we all blow! Our horns, that is. There is an unspoken rule in Boston (which has the rudest drivers in the country- really- it was on the news!), that one should blow ones horn in the following circumstances: 1. The light turns green and you are not the first person in line. Start beeping immediately, and do not stop until the person in front of you is moving, even if you are 20 cars back. Mix it up and alternate laying steadily on the horn and beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping to randomly beeping your horn at inconsistent yet steady intervals. 2. You see someone you know and so you beeeep! Hey- they might be walking down the sidewalk, or just have driven past- beep loud and long like you mean it, and while you’re at it, yell out the window as well! See how much driving and catching up you can do before hitting a pedestrian or another car. **Bonus points if you don’t turn down your stereo and just scream over your subwoofer. 3. If someone passes you in traffic and pulls ahead of you, go ahead and beep! Beep at them because no one has the right to try to get somewhere before you, and after all, it isn’t your fault you aren’t keeping up with traffic-how else are you supposed to manage your portable curling iron, the Boston Globe,your mascara wand, that poodle on your lap, a large Starbucks latte and 3 screaming children? When Not To Blow: 1. Someone actually puts you in danger- don’t beep your horn to alert that car that you are in his blind spot. Simply keep on going. His car is better than yours is anyhow, and you’ve always had a problem with your neck… 2. A car has double-parked, leaving you completely stuck in your neat parallel space, waiting at their mercy. How long will they be? Well, you might think a minute or two, but in reality they are having lunch and you’re screwed until they get back. Or until the tow truck you keep trying to get a hold of arrives, whichever comes first. Blowing in this circumstance will not bring help but will probably give you, the blower a headache. Part Two: If A Cop Doesn’t See Me Do It, It Isn’t Illegal You may not know that in Boston, any traffic maneuver is permissible so long as an officer isn’t there to see you do it. This rule also applies for other officers. Really. 1. Driving in the Breakdown Lane: So there is the usual insane congestion and you really want to be somewhere. What better option is there than to drive in the breakdown lane! Turn your hazards on for show and fly by all those suckers sitting in bumper to bumper! Should you happen to encounter an actual disabled vehicle, you know what to do! Beeeeeeeep at them! That’s right- they are in your way, so beep and swear until the opportunity presents itself to cut off another driver. Make sure the car you cut off is crappier than yours- just in case. 2. The Devil May Care Merge: Imagine 4 lanes of traffic, highly congested, moving in spurts. Imagine 93 North at 5:00. The leftmost lane is the Tobin Bridge Exit- your exit. It is also the least mobile of all the lanes, and you really shouldn’t be forced to wait with all the other schmucks who are lining up to exit! So here is what you do: get yourself into the next lane over, as it is moving far more quickly, and cruise on up to the last possible moment, when you hit the breaks, turn your left blinker on and try to shove your way in front of someone who has been waiting for nearly an hour. Ignore the screeching of tires as the people behind you try not to slam into you. Ignore the looks of contempt from people who are waiting their turns- in fact this is essential: Never Make Eye Contact with anyone. If you never make eye contact, you never acknowledge their presence, and can cut them off all that more easily. They hate you, for they know that people like you are the reason for the back up in the first place. You must accept that everyone hates you and use this hate as fuel to drive even more recklessly. 3. Driving in the H.O.V. Lane: This one is simple. You know you don’t really belong there. You, with the 42 beanie babies in your back window. You, with the neon car kit you so proudly installed and that dog that bounces his head up and down- you know you don’t all count as people, right? Yet sometimes that damn lane will get you there about 5 minutes faster, so you take it, making sure you do everything in your power to cut off the boring law abiding drivers as the HOV lane ends (pretend you can’t see them over all the stuffed animals- remember the no eye contact rule). If you are a law-abiding driver and you see one of these people, remember- it’s a game! You must do everything in your power to make sure that the offending person cannot merge- it’s merging chicken, and you must prevail. Again- never make eye contact, and remember that they have the Yield sign, not you. You have the right of way- and at the end of the day if they don't stop and you side swipe each other trying to push in front, sparks flying and paint scraping, it's their insurance, not yours! ***Note- I actually saw this happen once, with two school busses, full of children! Can you freakin' believe it! I called the police and reported their liscense plate numbers, but the cops didn't seem to care. 4. Never, under any circumstances, should you use a directional. Don’t signal when turning, just yank that emergency brake and go for it. Lane changes? Forget about it- just go- you do own the road don’t you!? **Bonus points if none of your brake lights work. 5. Never leave more that 4 inches of space between you and the car in front of you. Ever. This allows just enough space for a low-rider civic to wheedle its way into your space, and we all know that just can’t happen. **Bonus points if the car behind you is a luxury car, be sure to slam on your brakes as often as possible, and hope for a rear-end collision! 6. In the event of a collision, never remove your car from the roadway, even if it is rush hour. Just get out and either exchange information or have a healthy shouting match. Let the rubbernecking begin. 7. Should you witness an accident, no matter how minor, be sure to slow down as much as possible just to be sure you know what is going on. Part Three: Oh Yeah- Tell Your Kids To Play In Traffic There is some sort of local organization here which sends kids between the ages of 7 or 8 and up into traffic to beg for money. You’ll be at a long light, and they come walking up along side your car and hold a can in your face. Even if you’re of a philanthropic nature, don’t give them money. These kids are moving targets in orange t-shirts and when the light changes, the run for the median strips. If they don’t get enough money, maybe whoever sent them will try another approach. I really feel that sending an 8 year old into oncoming traffic in downtown Boston is a bad idea. Maybe I'm crazy here, but it just seems unsafe somehow- don't you think? So, that was my guide to driving in Beantown. It really is a hellish nightmare of detours, one way streets that go in the opposite direction of where you need to be, large pot holes, rude and BAD drivers, and a terrible highway system. Hope you'll come and visit us soon!  |
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