Mind Your Language!
Jul 24 '02 (Updated Jul 26 '02)
The Bottom Line In the absence of a European Tower of Babel, the phrase book is king.
Recently I found myself watching Brazil beat Germany in a Dutch bar in a part of Portugal popular with Germans. So, naturally, everyone was speaking English.
You want to know why? Here's why: The people in the bar were all Dutch, and as we all know Dutch people were standing at the very front of the European queue (and I hasten to add that Scandinavians were not far behind) when God was handing out height, good looks, manners and a liberal and tolerant outlook. Oh, and there's the little fact that they all speak more languages than C3PO. Yes, the reason that they were speaking English was a) because they could and b) because their perfect manners forbade them to speak a language that would exclude us from their conversation, whether we were a part of it or not. Even though we were in Portugal.
As you can imagine, we were impressed. We were also very embarrassed. As I speak some languages I had been nominated "Languages Person" or "Chief Guardian of the Phrasebook" which is a heck of a responsibility because nobody believes that although you speak Spanish you cannot possibly understand the Portuguese checkout girl and likewise you speak German but you're baffled by a Dutch menu. So I regret to say I failed the test in Portugal. I did what comes naturally to a Brit. I shouted louder and waved my hands about in an unhelpful and frankly unnecessary manner. But not in the Dutch bar. In the Dutch bar I just died of embarrassment as a host of tanned, tall, healthy looking Dutchies spoke to me using a vocabulary that would have made Brian Sewell frantic with envy.
That's the thing in Europe. There are places where you can get away with being a languages ignoramus and places where you can't. I think the key is never to expect anyone to speak English because then you'll be pleasantly surprised when they can. And a smile goes a long way (except in Paris, but that's for a different epinion). Brits learn at least one language from the age of 11 until we leave school. So unless we have a memory like a sieve (and this COULD be the case) I am sure that Brits know more than they let on, and I think that this is due to a strange sort of embarrassment.
When I was about 9 years old I stayed with my family in the Loire Valley. Nobody spoke anything other than French there (as you'd expect) and I heard my aunt ask in a broad Leicestershire accent : "Excoozay moi monsooer. Ooh ay lee centre veeel?" After repeating this 3 times because the poor man didn't understand she threw her hands in the air in a dramatic fashion and opted to find the town centre herself. And as far as I know she hasn't tried to speak a foreign language since. Embarrassment you see. She was too embarrassed to try saying it in a French accent and then too embarrassed to try it ever again when she wasn't understood. Might look like she was trying to draw attention to herself, which is an inherently Bad Thing if you're a Brit (football hooligans excepted).
You won't get away with speaking English in France. Not often, anyway. Sorry to tell you but we live next door to them and the only thing that keeps us separate (apart from 19 miles of sea) is our reluctance to use each others'languages. It's a kind of ongoing agreement that exists because without it we would be forced to talk to each other.
Spain probably flinches every time it hears spoken English as it imagines yet another takeover bid by drunken Estate Agents from Bootle. But Spaniards are, on the whole, lovely adaptable people and very welcoming. If you're unable to communicate verbally at least they will try to understand your gesticulations. But I seriously believe that if English is your first language, Spanish is very easy to learn. Especially if you learnt French at school. And it's soooo romantic.....!
Germans are usually pretty handy with English as well, at least in the North they are. I think they learn it whilst potty training. Which is good because I found German very difficult to learn. I was once in a bar in Germany with a non-German- spaking friend. I asked him to go in and ask for "zwei Pils bitte" (two lagers please) and he came out looking perplexed saying that they kept trying to offer him mushrooms (Pilz). Actually if he had asked in English he probably would have been fine....
Why would he have asked her for two mushrooms anyway? Perhaps she was trying to be funny....
It's always wothwhile taking a phrase book wherever you go in Europe. That way if you can't find any English speakers and you can't pronounce it, you can always point at phrases in the book. I've been stopped by many Japanese people in London using this method because they would like me to point out a place on a tube map and it works. Or you could try shouting louder and flapping your arms around. Funnily enough, it worked for me in Portugal.
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