29th Presents: The EVITA-PINION'S "RAINBOW HIGH" Board Game
Jul 26 '02 (Updated Feb 01 '03)
The Bottom Line If YOU'RE properly behaved, write scads & scads of consumerly-helpful reviews, avoid being a wise-ass, and don't do ANYTHING 29th_Candidate does, YOU TOO, can be an epinions "Eva Perone!"
ANNOUNCER: HEY KIDS!
--Heard about the EXCITING, NEW (bulletin-)BOARD game being played by ALL the COOL peops in the ep community? --The game that combines the "reality" of Wiltin-Badly's "THE SHAME OF LIFE," with the "materialism" of Darker Mothers' "OLIGOPOLY!?" We-e-e-elll, hold on to your Advisor Hats, and get ready for...
...the ONE
...the ONLY
EVA-PINION'S "RAINBOW HIGH!"
Why subject yourself to the trials and tribulations of REAL life, when you can discover the SAME experience of success & high achievement playing RAINBOW HIGH?!
---Here's a summary of RAINBOW HIGH! ...OH BOY!:
PRELIMINARIES:
You need at least three (3) players:
First, each person rolls the dice to decide who gets to play the omnipotent GOD-figure, "I-Have All-a-ya." The lucky person who plays "I-Have," is not only the banker, but also doubles as the "Computer Algorithym" and "Arbitrary Whim" card dealer... --MUHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAhahahaahaha!
THE GAME:
The other 2 or more players each start off as "Peon Contributors." They are each given a year's worth of Income Share (29¢) and 35 on-topic, "over-all VH" review-chips. The idea of the game is to become the first player to please "I-Have All-a-ya," by accumulating enough non-artistic, consumerly-helpful review-chips to rise through all three "social status" levels; first "PEON CONTRIBUTOR," then "JUNIOR HEAD BUDDY," then "SENIOR HEAD BUDDY," after which one lucky player achieves a "RAINBOW HIGH" by becoming the "EVITA-PINIONS HEAD BUDDY!"
"COMPUTER ALGORITHYM" AND "ARBITRARY WHIM" CARDS
Sounds easy right?! WRONG! It doesn't matter HOW many legitimately-accumulated, consumerly-helpful review-chips you have if "I-Have All-a-ya" hands you either: 1) a "Computer Algorithym" card, or 2) an "Arbitrary Whim" card, you can spend the ENTIRE game as a lowly, "PEON CONTRIBUTOR!" Imagine the shame of watching friends and newbies zip past you through the status levels, all because you had a bad roll of the dice and your rival became that round's "I-Have All-a-ya!" Heh, heh, --Better luck next game!
PEONS DON'T DESPAIR!
There ARE ways to "Eva Perone" your way into "I-Have All-a-ya's" good graces! The following are the 3 methods:
1) PROVIDE HELPFUL HEAD-ASSISTANCE SERVICE
--Head-giving assistance can get you into the good graces of Junior & Senior Head Buddies. If you provide enough quality head-service to a Junior or Senior Head Buddy, he or she can promote you one "social status" level.
2) BECOMING A MEMBER OF "THE SECRET POLICE"
--The aspiring EP Buddy provides quality head-assistance, left, right, up and down; braving the bureaucrat rubber stampers, the revenge raters, the political grading circles, etc., until a secret invitation from the community's secret underground police organization mysteriously arrives, asking the shaker/mover to join its unseen ranks. All this occurs while the high-flying adored continues to give quality Head service to trusted and "PC" reviewers, and to the toppest Topic Heads.
3) BUYING THE "HEAD OF STATE"
--Buying the "Head of State" Space equates to the aspirer's regularly shmoozing and currying favor with the Head of State (named "Electus,") by emailing and reporting and turning in unpopulars, dissenters and abusers, etc..
JUNIOR & SENIOR HEAD BUDDIES
--How The Peon Contributor Accumulates Status & Rank:
Common, unskilled plebe-graders, right off of Main & Index Page, capitalize on their natural abilities and home skills, enabling them to gain status and position with the Heads. Consistently proficient head providers, as determined via mouth (i.e.,"word of") in Head circles (i.e.,chats and BBs) and as shown by satisfying head service records,(especially those providing service above and beyond the call of booty, ehhhh... duty, I mean,) enables good "Buddies;" those who consistently provide that satisfying head service, to hold sway over various rating decisions, even decisions that do not seem commensurate with their abilities and/or areas of expertise. In the game, this is the equivalent of accumulating chips and rising through the ranks...
"THE 'EVA-PINIONS PERON' HEAD BUDDY"
The most successful, most domineering, most skillful and most single-minded of all the Head providers quickly rise in status and prestige, till the time comes, when that one *special* Head Buddy achieves-- ....a "RAINBOW HIGH."
THE "RAINBOW HIGH"
A "RAINBOW HIGH" is a meteoric rise to the top that weathers all storms and setbacks, until all of one's beautiful colors shimmer brightly in the sun, as though there had never been a dark cloud at all. This means the aspiring Head-Buddy starts out as a wretched plebe grader, interacting with the common a-a-a abusers & topic winos, the desperate padding-stuffers and post-poppers, the filthy plagiarists, the trust-whores & pimps, the seedy same-site, double-review posters crawling in the filth and squalor at the intersection of Main & Index Pages, with nothing but his or her ambition, desire, cunning and the willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to climb out of the dirt! This person grades regularly to demo her/his potential Head-Buddy skills, until one day... ---THE CALL COMES DOWN; the person has been dubbed "JUNIOR HEAD-BUDDY!"
The aspirer moves upward and forward in a consistent, undeterred, rocketship rise, --straight up to the top, all along providing near miraculous head duties and vanquishing political rivals or making them trustees with promises of power and favorable head, until one day... the high-flying head-buddy achieves the "Rainbow High!" That person has become the community's "Eva Peron" Head-Buddy!" As EP or "Evita" Head-Buddy, that person has the grading and degrading world at the fingertips!
Someday, there will be a Broadway play and a movie about you, "Evita Head-Buddy!"
~~~~ "THE EVITA-PINIONS RAINBOW HIGH THEME SONG" ~~~~
[Sung To The Tune Of: "RAINBOW HIGH," A Song From Andrew Lloyd Weber's Musical, "EVITA"]
THE EVA-PINIONS HEAD-BUDDY:
There again for e-go-boo
I'll rate; write A re-view
That's been "de-ARTed..."
Let's rub-ber-stamp the-NEW-posts,
Don't make it ob-vi-ous,
For trust, we're off and tro-o-olling!
EVA-PINION'S DRESSERS: [CHORUS]
Reads! Posts! Rants! Gradings!
Chats! Spats! Hits! Ratings!
Reads! Posts! Rants! Gradings!
Chats! Spats! Hits! Ratings!
THE EVA-PINIONS HEAD-BUDDY:
I-came-from-the KE-E-EY-BOAR-R-RD;
they need to trust-WHORE me-e-e!
So comment-one-MORE me-e-e!
Per-son-AL-i-ty PRO-O-O-S-SE!
My-post-needs-more PAD-ding-g-g,
For me to be Rain-BOW-W-W HI-I-I-IGH!
"Grade-cir-cle re-quite-MEN-N-N-NT!"
It's fun to li-i-ie.
EVA'S DRESSERS [CHORUS]:
Flames! Fights! Frames! Sign-Offs!
WOTS! WODS! Webs! Write-offs!
Flames! Fights! Frames! Sign-Offs!
WOTS! WODS! Webs! Write-offs!
THE EVA-PINIONS HEAD-BUDDY:
Boards and COM-MENTS,
Help Nirav's crew TE-E-ELL me
What "art" might as WE-E-ELL be,
What's le-GI-ti-mate pro-o-ose
No off-topic FIL-ling,
I want to be RAIN-BOW HI-I-IGH!
They need their high rate,
and so do I-I-I-I...
EVA'S DRESSERS: [CHORUS]
Reads! Posts! Rants! Gradings!
Chats! Spats! Hits! Ratings!
Reads! Posts! Rants! Gradings!
Chats! Spats! Hits! Ratings!
THE EVA-PINIONS HEAD-BUDDY:
For-a-pat-on-the-back-we're-expected-to-grade-the com-mu-ni-ty;
...Sub-mit re-views-for-free!
I-I-I won't dis-a-ppoint the-e-em!
The "Head-PER-R-RSON"
Made-me his "Head-BUD-dy;"
His "MH-ing, SLUT-ty-
Head-Giving HO-O-O-OE'"
With bright-colored LIP-sti-i-ick,
I have to be RAIN-BOW HI-I-IGH!
In ma-gi-cal coLOR-R-R-RS...
It's kinda frus-TRAT-ing; my nose stays con-sis-tent-ly bro-o-o-own!
Give head? That's FEL-LAT-ING! On-whom-do-I-have-to-go-dow-w-w-wn?!"
Next sto-o-o-p-p-p's the E.-P. C-O-O-OPS!
Ab-BU-SERS! com-MENT-wars! tic-KETS! dou-BLE-ac-COUNTS!
We'll send a repo-o-ort!
Lo-o-o-ok o-o-out, migh-TY NIR-A-A-A-AV!
BE-cau-u-use you might end up with-a-nother-E-B-D!;
Ju-u-ust a lit-tle touch of-f-f,
Ju-u-ust a lit-tle touch of-f-f,
Nir-av-To-lia's brand of COM-mu-ni-ty-y-y-y!
Thank you for singing along; enjoy playing the game!
--the 29th
~~•~~ ALPHABETIZED GLOSSARY OF KEY "EPINIONS" TERMINOLOGY: ~~•~~
• ADVISOR/"JUNIOR HEAD BUDDY" --A gratuitous, “egoboo-exploitation” title awarded to prolific epinions review-contributors and review-raters as a means of rewarding, encouraging and increasing review-writing productivity. There is no actual connection between skill level or expertise and the category in which an advisor “receives a hat.” Advisors break down into two groups:
1) “TOP REVIEWERS,” i.e., those who write frighteningly prolific amounts in the particular topic area in which they receive their hat, and
2) “ADVISORS,” i.e., those who rate frighteningly prolific amounts in the particular topic area in which they receive their hat, and whose grades show as many “NHs” as “VHs.” Whether those grades were awarded judiciously is of no particular concern to epinions. Along with their “egoboo blue” hats and name badges, advisors/top reviewers have the option of rating a review “MH,” or Most Helpful;” (in ANY category, not just their own “area of alleged expertise.”) The MH-rating was recently arbitrarily stripped away from epinions “peon-reviewers” so that “the hatted ones” would have an additional enticement to motivate their productivity.
• ALEXIS/"ELECTUS"/"HEAD OF STATE" --Epinions' 2nd in command. Nirav's personal bulldog, axe-woman and strong-arm. Heads epinions' clandestine "abuse" & Customer Care departments. Perhaps the epinions entity most name-dropped in epinions-related chatrooms, bulletin boards and social clubs by 'boo-schmoozers, lick-spittles and self-appointed epicops. Rumoured to have even less tolerance for entertaining and original reviews than Nirav.
• ARTIST --Anyone whose primary motivation for creating is joy (i.e., “love of the game,” passion, desire for self-expression, child-like compulsion, etc. .) Artists represent a particularly vexing problem to the epinions brass because their ability to create meaningful “art,” correlates directly to their unwillingness to compromise the integrity of their artistic medium, here the “review.” Ultimately, they wield the most power and influence at epinions because they're the only ones whose reviews can be trusted to render a believable or honest account of the product.
• CATEGORY LEADER/"SENIOR HEADBUDDY" --A group of epinions admin’s handpicked advisors who act as the “Niravs” of their respective product categories. Their grades carry as the weight of many peon review-writers. They have the capacity to block you and your reviews from visitor view should they deem fit. LOTS of egoboo here, folks... They pick the advisors that “wear advisor hats” in their own respective topics, and subsequently act as their advisors.
• EBD --When the epinions management, fearing the mass site exodus that might occur as a reaction to its discontinuation of financial compensation for review submissions, cut off (without any prior notice, and in breach of its own user agreement,) its contributor’s ability to delete, alter or modify their own ops, friend and fellow “peon” epinionator, “Sordid-1” initiated a sitewide “write-off revolt” called the "EPINIONS BLOWS DOGS," or the "EBD." The goal of the EBD was to make epinions a victim of its own treachery, by writing a deliberately offensive and obscene review in which the reviewer described “why epinions blows dogs,” and which, as a consequence of epinions’ own treacherous, sitewide elimination of user editing features, couldn’t be altered or deleted by the review-writer, but at the same time, could not be deleted by epinions due to the sheer volume of incoming, obscene EBD reviews. For the first time in epinions’ existence, all of the mutually-antagonistic community factions united behind a common cause and enemy; the epinions admin. Sordy and I estimated it would take between 5 days and a week to crack the management. We were wrong. It took three days before they capitulated and restored full editing/deleting privileges. Needless to say, at this point, many who had not originally planned on leaving, yet who subsequently felt epinions had gotten as close to raping them as it would ever get, deleted all their reviews and disappeared forever.
• EGOBOO --A term that describes the high octane, psychological motivation and driving force that fuels a review-writer's desire and willingness to write reviews and to read, rate, and leave comments on the reviews of fellow review-writers. Etymologically speaking, it's a shortened form of the phrase "ego boost," but it has come to refer specifically to that particular variety of ego-stroke enabled by the immediacy of interaction that was virtually unknown prior to the "wired era" and the advent of virtual communities. With the diminution of financial compensation, "egoboo" (and the desire to make Nirav wealthy in at least one case,) is the only remaining commodity that can be exploited for purposes of generating productivity. Some people just like to write, but that does not qualify as a corruptible commodity.
• EPICOPS/EPINIONS COPS --Technically, a group of vigilante epinions review-submitters who began a secret, "members-only" Yahoo chat club called "the epinions cops." By using the "routing out and persecuting of epinions site-abusers" as a pretext for lynch-mobbing and gangbanging away personal vendettas and contributors they considered disagreeable for arbitrary, personal reasons, they singlehandedly created the virtual universe's first NAZI "S.S." or "secret police." Their failure to recognize the crucial need to adopt ANY, let alone a clearly-defined, consistent or objective definition of "abuse," lead to their becoming the site's most prolific abusers. Generally, an epicop is a derogatory term for anyone who "abuses in the name of the law.".
• GRADING/RATING CIRCLES --Also referred to as “click circles.” In short, it’s the rating equivalent of “mutual egoboo-masturbation.” An implicit or even an EXplicit agreement wherein one rater insures that a second rater will “VH” his review, by reciprocating the same rate, regardless of the quality or content of said review. The particularly sinister aspect of this behavior, which generally occurs with greater frequency within the ranks of epinions “hatted elite,” in order to curry the favor necessary for “hatted advancement,” is that advisors who habitually engage in this activity, in order to maintain their hats, are forced to go after and saddle the often “VH”-quality” reviews of undeserving, but inconsequential peons and newbies, in order to score their hat-enabling quota of “NH” and “SH” reviews.
• HATTED ONES/RECEIVED A HAT --Advisors, Top Reviewers and Category Leaders are treated as epinions nobility. When one “receives a hat,” it means epinions has awarded an advisorship in the topic area represented by the “hat.” Contrary to what this hat indicates to site visitors, the title has nothing whatsoever to do with the quality of the reviews written or the relative level of expertise in that respective topic; merely that its recipient bangs out MORE reviews than that particular topic’s average writer.
• NIRAV TOLIA/"I-HAVE ALL-A-YA" --Epinions' art/artist-intolerant Godfather, Commander-In-Chief and CEO. Seems to believe writers contribute reviews to epinions out of an obsessive need to make him rich and his site successful. Considers ops that provide "personality prose" information related to the reader in the form of a personal opinion, rather than as an unmodified transfer of facts nicked from the info source, a cruel and unnecessarily abusive affront to computers. Takes it somewhat personally that visiting consumers don't consider computer-generated personality profiles "a more convenient version of the human touch." After seeing Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey," was stunned and dismayed to discover that, in fact, "Hal" (i.e., the renegade computer,) was NOT the film's protagonist.
Nirav seems to consider his having to endure the use of "humans" as ep's main op source, a "necessary evil" that allows him to bide his time until he discovers a method of enabling his computers to synthesize random preferences, or until his Research & Development team isolates and overcomes the pesky learning disabilities that currently prevent livestock and domestic animals from writing. A survey of some of the swill that some reviewers on the "advisor fast-track," produce a la "factory assembly -line," might lead one to believe Nirav may not be too far from his goal.
--- Infamous NIRAV Quote: "A "VH" review, is one that contains SCADS of helpful product info calculated to help the consumer make better buying decisions," (implying that anything in excess of "product facts" in an op, like personal opinion re: the product, should not be considered helpful.)
• PEON REVIEW-WRITER -- The lowly, “hatless” working class majority of epinions reviewers. In the musical “EVITA,” they were referred to as Eva Perone’s “Descomisados,” (i.e., “shirtless ones.”) Epinions implicitly enourages their hatted elite classes to treat its peon reviewers like the smelly, repulsive, low class common garbage it wishes they were. This increases the zeal and motivation of “up & comers” to aspire to the substantially increased egoboo associated with receiving an epinions advisor hat. Here is where you’ll find the majority of quality writers, artists and those who aren’t moved by epinions carrots on strings. They write purely for “their love of the game,” or they’re relative newbies in search of a “hat treadmill.”
• PERSONALITY POSTER --A writer reputed to write reviews infused with entertaining and personable banter. Some conform to the epinions Terms Of Service. Others do not.
• PERSONALITY PROSE --The personable banter used to make the dry, technical product-related information pallatable. The proverbial "spoonful of sugar." A problem occurs when an op has no medicine to justify the sweetener. Needless to say, people don't come running in droves to guzzle down medicine for it's wonderful flavor, health benefits notwithstanding.
• TROLLING FOR TRUST --Rubberstamping newly submitted reviews by the handful, hoping unwitting, newby trusters will add you to their W.O.T.. The epinionators known to regularly engage in this questionable practice, are referred to as “TRUST-WHORES.”
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Epinions.com ID:
29th_Candidate
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Jim Scileppi
Location: The 29th Congressional District, CA
Reviews written: 67
Trusted by: 516 members
About Me:
Consume THIS...
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