Watch for Red Flags in College: Helping Your Child In Distress Sep 13 '02 (Updated Feb 18 '05)    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line Watch for red flags; listen to what your child is really saying; help her get the help she needs whether it is a sorority or psychiatry. This is the beginning of a new school year. For many it is the start of college for others they are returning for another year. I am writing this hoping that if I help one parent I will have done my job. I hope to alert parents of signs that your child is having some trouble, what we did and some of my advice on how to prevent it and how to help. Like all people my daughter evolved during her young life. My daughter, I will call her Joy, was adorable and smart. Her looks were cute enough at two years old to get her into commercials. She was, though, so attached to me that she was unable to separate long enough to be taken into a room without me. She was smart enough to recognize the alphabet at one year and was reading at 3. However she exhibited some signs I could have seen. Her behavior was good. In fact so good I worried. At 4, I rejoiced when she and a friend got into my dad’s papers and ripped them to shreds! She was an apprehensive little girl who asked my permission to do everything. Her apprehension and tentativeness toward life was the first clue that not everything was perfect. ADVICE: At whatever age allow your child to make mistakes. Allow them to be wrong, to color out of the lines and to display bad behavior within limits, of course. One event I believe combined with a chemical imbalance led to what would be her unraveling. It was the remarriage of her mother, me, and the non-blending of a family. It took its toll on all 3 children; it took its toll on Joy the most. ADVICE: If possible wait until your children are out of school before you remarry unless you know you have the perfect blended family! She is very sensitive, very caring and very fragile. She is also the middle child. Much has been said about birth order in books and if they are to be believed then she, as the middle child, was invisible. To become visible she used her brain to excel to be a super achiever. It worked. She was noticed by others and honored for her abilities. ADVICE: Never say to a child, "You only got a B+, why not an A?" Other signed emerged. At 8, my affectionate child became distant. Not the usual “Don’t kiss me in front of my friends, mom” but what looked like an inability to show affection. She didn’t nor couldn’t hug anyone. I took her to a psychologist with whom she didn’t connect and then to her school guidance counselor. He was a wonderful man and for 2 years Joy met with him. ADVICE: If your child doesn't connect with one therapist, try another. Keep trying until you find the help you need. She had friends in school but in grade six had a traumatic bout with a bully- a leader with whom she had been friends and who, apparently out of jealousy, was able to turn Joy’s friends against her. The next two years were rocky for her. She was left out of events to which at one time she was invited. ADVICE: See if you can pick out someone who is not the most popular and get your child to befriend her. Your child needs to have friends and if her "old friends" are gone, help her find new ones. Still more signs emerged. Joy started dropping the ends of her sentences. In other words many sentences were not finished or said so softly that she couldn’t be heard. This was because of her fear of being wrong. I started speaking for her. Knowing how uncomfortable she was talking to people, I would jump in or finish her sentences. That was the worst thing I could have done. I tried to rescue my daughter by making her more invisible. To this day I have to bite my tongue when someone asks her a question. ADVICE: No matter how hard it is for you, allow your child to speak and do for herself. She found her way in high school. She joined the volleyball team and though never excelled in sports she enjoyed it. She was a co-editor of her yearbook and went to all the proms and important events. She was involved in the drama club and became very involved in her religious youth group. All these outlets are crucial for children and said to be ways to keep them out of trouble. I believe this totally. For Joy, though, they kept her sane. ADVICE: Help your child get involved in extra curricula activities. They are crucial to children's well-being. However, she was fragile! Joy went to an Ivy League college. It was not the best match for her. She is an intellectual, adamant in her philosophies and politics, so intense that she reads Herman Hesse for pleasure. ADVICE: Allow your child to go to the college he or she wants - within reason- not the one you or the grandparents want her to go to! If the wrong choice was made, transferring is an option. She had a rough few months at college not unlike many students. Making it more difficult was the lack of a bohemian counterculture into which she would have fit. I am sure there were some alternative-type kids there. They were the exception, though, rather than the norm and I know Joy did not want to be an exception. What took its place were rich, very, very rich girls all of whom were skinny and wore black. The once “I don’t want anything to do with sororities” student joined one and later became a Vice-President of her sorority living in the sorority house. I believed that happened as a way to find a group. She had a couple of good friends, but not a circle of friends. Her experience in the sorority was a positive one, though in general, but it could not stop the combination of life events and biological/organic imbalances which are inherited. ADVICE: Once again, encourage involvement in activities, groups, etc. Perhaps you know someone whose child goes to that college who can reach out to your child. It is ok to ask for help. In college red flags were sent up all over the place. Did I miss them? Luckily she was smart enough not to. In the spring of her first year, my daughter recognized the signs of bulimia and told me of her eating disorder. She sought counseling on campus and spoke with her professors. Not only was she vomiting after eating but also just the sight of food would make her vomit. Her food intake, she reported to me, consisted of forcing a few pretzels down and perhaps a piece of fruit. ADVICE: Never say, "Just eat something, for heaven's sake, it can't be that hard." She was able to finish her first year; came home for the summer; went into an eating disorder group and seemed to be better. Clinically she was never diagnosed with bulimia or anorexia. Because she had symptoms of both at the same time, she was diagnosed as having an eating disorder, no name given. I am using the terms, though, because at the time they seemed to fit what I thought she was experiencing. She became anorexic in her sophomore year. I am a social worker. I know eating disorders are a family problem, yet we never went into counseling as a family. We are all so guarded with each other, the thought of therapy with my stepson sent me into a panic and the thought of a therapist confronting my husband with his issues with my children sent me into a depression. ADVICE: You are the adult here, do what you need to do even if it is uncomfortable for you. She got through her sophomore year able to eat and again seemed all right. She was to stay at college for the summer and work and that was fine with me. She had a house and seemed happy. Things didn’t go well. At least they didn’t go as expected for Joy. Joy is a perfectionist in many ways. She is not one to take disappointments well, having had few in her life. She always excelled. It appeared that a boss at a job did not like her, this had never happened to her and it threw her for a loop. What may be, and has been diagnosed as such, an organic disorder manifested itself as panic and depression. Again she was able to recognize it. I asked her to come home which she did. ADVICE: Be there for your child. Do not dismiss anything as an act of defiance or a way to get attention. It may be both, but it may also be a matter of life or death. My daughter was a mess emotionally. She was barely coherent and her fingers were picked until they bled. She fought hard with the help of a psychologist and psychiatrist. She was determined that going back to school in September would help her. ADVICE: For some children taking time off from college is the right thing to do. Explore with your child and the therapist what really is in your child's best interest. Don't jump to the conclusion that keeping her home - to protect her- is the best choice. And don't jump to the conclusion that she must go back to college. Hospitalization was out of the question; not returning to school was seen from her perspective as the end. I stayed with her 24 hours a day; bought her toys that she could pick apart rather than her fingers. She got out from the tunnel with a lot of help. ADVICE: Even if it means taking vacation time or time off without pay, do it. Your child needs you. If you can't be there every day, make sure someone is with her. This is not a time for her to be alone. We became very close, particularly because I share many of her symptoms, which she never knew. My sharing them with her allowed her to feel that she wasn’t bad; that, in fact, she really wasn’t crazy or if she were she could lead a somewhat normal life in spite of it. At least she sees a mother who does. ADVICE: Share your history with your children as much as appropriate. It may help them understand themselves better. My daughter’s eating disorder did not fix itself. Did I expect it to? So many women in our society have eating problems, why would I expect my daughter to escape it? After her anorexia she became a vegetarian, and then a vegan. ADVICE: Bite your tongue. Telling her that what she is eating is crazy will not help her. She then decided to eat protein. I remember the day because I was visiting her at college. She thought that eating carbohydrates made her sluggish and that protein was the way to go. For the first time in 2 years, she had chicken and tuna fish! She is on medication and may be for the rest of her life. She struggles with food-related issues and I know just by looking at her fingers how she is doing emotionally. I now know there wasn’t anything I could have done to protect her from these events. ADVICE: That is only partially true. I can't take back the past but perhaps not remarrying at that time or letting her go to the non-Ivy League school could have held off the chemical imbalance. I will never know and I have stopped blaming myself. College is terribly stressful and may trigger a biological reaction waiting to happen. Watch your child while she is in college. Without being a pest, call frequently. Look for signs of distress. When I went to visit and saw her room more of a mess than usual I knew she was in trouble. I knew she was having difficulty getting motivated. ADVICE: Do not say to a depressed person, "Why can't you just laugh or get out of bed." If they could, they would. Most importantly keep the lines of communication open so that your child is comfortable coming to you as mine was and saying she is in trouble. That may be the key between getting your child the help she needs and burying her. I cannot make her ok, I cannot fix my child, I can only be there for her when she needs me. If I can offer anyone any help who is going through this or wondering if they are, please feel free to write me. For your information, most campuses have therapists who will work with students in crisis for free for a short period of time. Joy did this and then was referred to a psychiatrist near school. When our insurance ran out we bought the school’s mental health insurance for $900. It was worth the money. ADVICE: If you need information, call the college and find out what kind of plans they offer. Postscript: My daughter graduated from college, lived in Boston with friends and had a job she enjoyed. She is now 24 and has entered a Ph.D program in a discipline very similar to mine. I worry about her constantly. She is not in Boston, she is in a city she doesn't know and in a stressful situation once again. I pray she does well. Mothers worry. I think that is what we are supposed to do! Toasting a healthy school year to kids of all ages. What Should I Do if My Student is Unhappy? What Should I Bring to School? How to Choose a College

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