A Very Monkey Episode of The Brady Bunch
Aug 19 '02
The Bottom Line One of "The Lost Episodes." Seriously.
(Interior: The Bradys’ kitchen. Alice kneels down and opens the oven ever-so-slightly and peeks through the tiny crack. She can’t see anything, so she closes the oven and climbs up onto the counter. Lying on her belly on the counter, she cracks open the oven no bigger than before and tries to peer into the oven from above. Again, no avail. She grabs a spatula and a Polaroid camera from the counter top and climbs up onto the counter. At this point, Mr. Brady enters and begins watching from the corner of the room. Alice uses the spatula to pry open the oven just a crack, presses the Polaroid camera up to the crack and takes a picture. She closes the oven again and waits for the picture to develop. When it turns out completely black, she begins to beat the stove mercilessly with the spatula. Then, she begins to beat the Polaroid camera with the spatula.)
Mr. Brady: What are you doing there, Alice?
(Hearing his voice, Alice blindly turns and starts beating Mr. Brady mercilessly with the spatula. He calmly punches her square in the nose and she falls onto the ground.) [Laugh Track]
Alice: Oh gosh, Mr. B, I’m sorry. I got carried away.
Mr. Brady: That’s alright, Alice. It happens all the time. [Laugh Track] What were you trying to do?
Alice: I was baking a soufflé.
Mr. Brady: I see. Maybe you should use a hammer next time. [Laugh Track]
Alice: No, silly. In the stove.
Mr. Brady: Ohhhhhhhhhh, I see now. (Pause.) Maybe you should use a hammer next time. [Laugh Track]
Alice: I wanted to check if it was done or not, but I didn’t want it to fall if I was too early.
Mr. Brady: There’s nothing worse than a saggy soufflé. [Laugh Track]
Alice: You’re darn tootin’. Now, I guess I’ll never know if it’s done or not. [“Awwwwwww”] Listen, Mr. B, I don’t quite know how to put this, but I was cleaning the boys’ room today and I found one of those…
Mr. Brady: Homemade dynamite kits? [Laugh Track]
Alice: No, it was a…
Mr. Brady: Flesh eating bacterium? [Laugh Track]
Alice: Well, maybe that too, but more importantly…
Mr. Brady: A hidden tunnel that leads to the headquarters of an entire secret civilization of human clones spawned from one of Tony Danza’s hair follicles? [Laugh Track]
Alice: Worse than that.
Mr. Brady: What could be worse than a secret army of Tony Danzas?
Alice: A girlie magazine.
Mr. Brady: Oh that’s terrible, Alice. I think I need to sit down. I’m going to have to have a talk with the boys.
(Greg Brady walks in from the living room, throws down his backpack and grabs an apple from the countertop. He eats it as he talks. Marsha Brady follows closely behind him.)
Marsha & Greg: Hey Dad. Hey Alice.
Mr. Brady: Hey kids. How was school today?
Marsha: It was alright. Sammy Neidermeyer asked Pamela Goldenthall to the Winter Formal and she said, “No,” so then he asked Stacy Sinclair and she said, “Are you kidding?,” so then he asked me but I was standing right next to Stacy when he asked her so I said, “Sammy, your shoes don’t match your belt. How could I expect you to pick out a corsage that would match my beautiful beautiful dress?” And Stacy and Pamela and I started laughing and then Sammy got embarrassed and ran away crying and Stacy and Pamela and I started laughing even harder and then we couldn’t stop laughing and then we ate our cupcakes. [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: How about you, Jason?
Greg: My name is Greg, Dad.
Mr. Brady: I don’t care, son. Get that apple out of your mouth; you’re not Michael J. Fox. [Laugh Track]
Greg: Sorry, Dad.
Mr. Brady: Son.
Greg: Dad.
Mr. Brady: Son.
Greg: Dad.
Mr. Brady: Son. Son. Son.
Greg: What is it, Dad?
Mr. Brady: Have you been reading pornography?
Greg: Only at school, Dad.
Mr. Brady: Then why did Alice find a girlie magazine in your room?
Greg: I don’t know, Dad. Maybe you should ask Peter.
Mr. Brady: That’s disgusting, son. [Laugh Track]
Greg: I meant my brother, Peter, Dad. [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: Oh, I know, son. It’s just that I hate that kid. Your mother insists we keep him around. Anyway, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Don’t leave the house, Gerald.
Greg: I never do. [Laugh Track]
(Greg exit into the living room as Jan Brady and Peter Brady enter the kitchen.)
Jan: Guess what, everybody! Guess what! Sammy Neidermeyer asked me to the Winter Formal! Me! He asked me, and no one else!
Mr. Brady: (Looks crossly at Marsha) That’s wonderful, dear. Did you say yes?
Jan: Of course I did, Dad. I’ve never been asked to the Winter Formal before!
Mr. Brady: That’s because you’re as ugly as a warthog’s ass, dear. [Laugh Track]
Jan: Thanks, Dad, you’re the greatest! I’m going to go up to my room now and start getting ready.
Mr. Brady: The Winter Formal isn’t for another three weeks, dear. [Laugh Track]
Jan: I know, Dad, but I have to shave, and that will take at least three days. [Laugh Track]
(Jan runs up to her room. Peter tries to leave, too, but Mr. Brady stops him)
Mr. Brady: Hold on, Jason, I need to talk to you.
Peter: My name is Peter, Dad. [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: I know, son.
(Before Mr. Brady can ask Peter about the magazine, Cindy Brady and Bobby Brady enter.)
Bobby: Hey everybody, I have wonderful news! You remember how we used to have a dog?
Everybody: No.
Mr. Brady: Yes. His name was Tiger.
Bobby: Right, Dad. And do you remember how Tiger just disappeared one day?
Mr. Brady: That was right around the time Alice started dating Sam the Butcher.
Bobby: Right. Well, I thought that the family needed another animal, so I stole the class pet from Ms. Henderson. [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: I don’t know if that was such a good idea, Ja…
Bobby: Bobby.
Mr. Brady: Lamar.
Bobby: Bobby.
Mr. Brady: François.
Bobby: Bobby.
Mr. Brady: I don’t know if that was such a good idea, Vladimir.
Bobby: He’s right outside on the front doorstep. I’ll go get him.
(Bobby leaves to go get his pet.)
Mr. Brady: That reminds me. Marsha?
Marsha: Yes, Dad?
Mr. Brady: Don’t you think you should tell your sister about Sammy Neidermeyer?
Marsha: You’re right, Dad. (Turns to Cindy) Cindy, today at school, Sammy Neidermeyer asked Pamela Goldenthall to the Winter Formal and she said, “No,” so then he asked Stacy Sinclair and she said…
Mr. Brady: What I meant was, don’t you think you should tell Jan that Sammy asked three other girls to the Winter Formal, including you, before he asked her?
Marsha: Actually, he asked every single girl in the eleventh and twelfth grades, half of the teachers, the lunch lady, and the security guard’s dog, and they all turned him down. [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: Well, don’t you think you should tell Jan?
Marsha: Why would I want to do that? She’s uglier than a warthog’s ass. She’ll take any date she can get.
Mr. Brady: It will make you feel superior.
Marsha: Well, since you put it that way… (She runs upstairs) [Laugh Track]
Bobby: (Walks in with a cage covered with a blanket) Here he is! (He pulls off the blanket to reveal a small rhesus monkey) Isn’t he cute? [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: Yes, he is, son, but I don’t think we can keep him.
Bobby: He’ll do his own dishes. [Laugh Track] Besides, I can’t take him back now. Ms. Henderson will know I stole him.
Mr. Brady: How about this: We’ll keep him for the weekend, and if you feed him and take care of him, we’ll talk about keeping him. Now, that reminds me, Peter, have you been reading girlie magazines?
Peter: Only one, Dad. [Laugh Track]
Mr. Brady: Go get it and bring it to me.
(As Peter runs upstairs, Jan comes back into the kitchen, crying.)
Mr. Brady: What’s wrong, honey?
Jan: Marsha told me I was ugly.
Mr. Brady: Then you tell Marsha that she’s as dumb as a sack of hammers. Then, throw a chair at her. [Laugh Track]
Peter: (Entering with magazine) Here it is, Dad.
Mr. Brady: I thought I raised you better than this, son.
Peter: I know, Dad.
Mr. Brady: This is Cosmopolotan! You could at least have picked up a copy of Hustler or a Black Tail or something. I’m going to keep this, in order to teach you a lesson and also because the article on “17 Ways to Please Your Man in the Workplace” will come in handy.
Cindy: Dad…
Mr. Brady: Shut up, Cindy. Just shut up. Jesus H. Christ, don’t you ever shut your yap?
Greg: Dad, the monkey just threw its own feces at me.
Jan: Yeah, Dad, me too. It hit me in the face. (She starts crying again, uncontrollably.)
(At this point, thick black smoke begins pouring out from the oven, and Alice returns, only to beat the oven mercilessly with a hammer. Jan continues to cry, but gets louder and louder. The monkey flings its feces at all of the Bradys and they begin using kitchenware to protect themselves. Mr. Brady repeatedly yells, “Shut up, Jason,” at the top of his lungs. After a little while, Mrs. Brady walks into the room, aghast.)
Mrs. Brady: What exactly is going on here?
(Everybody stops what they’re doing and stares at Mrs. Brady. Smoke continues to pour out of the oven.)
Mr. Brady: Alice is baking a soufflé.
Mrs. Brady: Well, in that case, she should be using a spatula!
(Everyone’s shoulders relax and they burst into uncontrollable laughter. The credits roll.)
*** “A Very Monkey Episode of The Brady Bunch has been brought to you by dedemw and The Dysfunctional Brady Bunch Write Off. Check out her profile page for details. ***
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
repulsemonkey
|
 - Top 1000 |
|
Member: Ambassador of Epinions Love (and sometimes BBQ)
Location: Oops Upside Your Head
Reviews written: 29
Trusted by: 192 members
About Me:
Love me.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.