Time To Cut The Freakin' Grass!Aug 24 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Bottom Line: Cutting grass? Isn't there someone I can pay to do that for me?
Ahhh, the smell of freshly cut grass in the air. I hate it. I hate cutting the grass. I despise it. Truth be told, if I could afford it, I would kill off every blade of grass in my yard and replace it with the astro-turf they use at football stadiums. The mere thought of pacing and plodding back and forth across the yard, breathing in the foul stench of fresh-cut grass while pushing around some loud, cranky machine that I can barely keep running is almost enough to make me sick. You wanna know how much I hate cutting grass? I can cut my entire yard with a push mower in less than 30 minutes, but I still pay some neighborhood kid $10 a week to do it for me. Except today, that is. The kid quit, and I was forced to cut it myself. The day had started out so well, my wife had gone off to work at 6:00 am, and I was left alone to soak in the heavenly comfort of our king size bed. When she leaves early for work, I have a habit of turning around and sleeping at the foot of the bed to allow my head to rest directly under the ceiling fan, and I did so this morning. It was some great sleep. The ceiling fan kept the room nice and cool, and I wrapped up in a nice, thick comforter that kept me from getting too chilly. Sometime after Sue had left, I was joined on the bed by Alli, Josh, and Casey (my 2 cats and my puppy) and we all slept soundly until about 2:00 pm. I spent the next few hours piddling around on the internet, trying to find the best deal on a vacation to Disneyworld, and trying to win an auction for a Beanie Baby bear my mom needs to complete her collection (Yes, I AM a good son). I spent a little time slaving over some Tekken Tag Tournament on my Playstation 2, and then settled in for a well deserved nap on the futon. Then it happened, I heard a knock at the door. Upon stumbling and fumbling my way to the door, I found my grass cutting boy standing there, clearly too well dressed to be pushing around that noise-polluting death trap of mine. Something was wrong. Yes, something was very wrong. He informed me that he would no longer be cutting grass around the neighborhood in the evenings, some nonsense about needing more time for his homework and studying. Where are his priorities? Doesn't this young, naive child understand that my hatred for grass cutting easily outweighs his need to make good grades? My grass is growing taller by the second, and all he's concerned with is his education? His future? What's wrong with these kids today?. After the crying was finished and all the tears had been wiped away, I was finally able to get a firm grip on the situation. I, the calm-cool-and-collected one, was clearly in trouble. The boy had deserted me, the daylight was beginning to fade away, and the grass was slowly but surely still growing higher in the yard outside. Mustering all the strength I had in my still shaking body, I stood up, swayed just a little, and began walking that long, agonizing mile to the front door. This is it, I thought, it's now or never. It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. Am I a man, or a mouse? All for one, and one for all! Remember The Freakin' Alamo!! DON'T FIRE TILL YOU SEE THE WHITES IN THEIR EYES!!!!!! Once I finally succeeded in getting myself psyched up for the task ahead, I tore open the front door and flew out onto the porch like a soldier ready for battle. I looked at the grass, looked down loathingly at the sea of evil, green, snake-like tentacles, and I made my decree! THIS GRASS HAS GROWN TALL ENOUGH, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Friends, you should have seen me out there. I ripped that machine out of the shed as if it were as light as a toy, and I pushed and pulled on that mower like it was going out of style. I mowed like a demon possessed. I was like a madman out there. I didn't just cut the grass, I cut THE HELL out of that grass. In one hour, I went from "avoid the grass at all costs" to "A lean, mean, grass annihalating machine, NOW WHO IS YOUR DADDY"?? It'll be a cold day in hell before that grass messes with me again, a cold day indeed.You know what's weird though? When I finished my chore, I looked over at my neighbor's yard, and for the first time in weeks, I noticed that his grass is now taller than mine. That just makes me sick, you know. I hate lazy people.  |
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