FUN WITH GUNS!!!!
Oct 25 '02
The Bottom Line Man, I hate guns.
A dear friend of mine recently saw Michael Moore's BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE and that started a dialogue between my circle of "friends" concerning gun control. Some of these, for lack of a better word, friends actually belonged to the NRA, a right wing fascist group that scares me a little more than the American Nazi Party. This meant there was no logical reasoning with these people. As a result I turned my energies to write this piece of crap:
A real man settles things with his mind, then inevitably when that fails, his fists. Anyone can pull their index finger back but it takes a real man to get hand to hand with a guy and scramble his brains with brute strength.
Guns are for the weak.
There are generally these arguments for allowing guns in America:
It's in the Constitution.
Law Enforcement.
Home security.
Hunting.
The Constitutional argument: If ever there was an Amendment of any country's Constitution that was outdated and totally out of context its our 2nd one. That was written in order to make sure those Limey Imperialists wouldn't know when they could get wasted by some squirrel eating colonist during the Revolutionary War. That gave our tax dodging, pot growing, slave owning forefathers the upper hand in that war forever altering human history. And thank God they had the upper hand because if we still lived under British Rule we'd be no better than Canada. A country with Zero crime, vast stretches of land unspoiled by man and Universal Health Care! Whew, we dodged a bullet there!
And keep in mind PROHIBITION was once part of the Constitution. Now, if that doesn't make you look at that document twice you're hopeless.
Some argue we need guns to keep the peace. Well, as far as law enforcement goes in Great Britain the cops don't even carry guns and their crime rate is negligible compared to ours. Because the criminals don't have them either. NO ONE does. (Well, almost no one. Bear with me here). However on this point I will concead a little by saying that the only people that should be allowed firearms are law enforcement officials. Just the good ones though, not the ones on the take. In this case the cat is out of the bag. Guns are plentiful in this country and the people brave enough to protect lilly white college boys such as myself need them to keep the peace. In a perfect world though, even police officers would not need firearms but admittedly as the wise sage Huey Lewis once pointed out, "There ain't no perfect world".
Home protection? What would you need a gun in the house for if no one else had one? I know this is a rose tinted view of the situation but at its root that is the argument. Why have some fatality waiting to happen in your home if you don't need it. And when the sh*t goes down someone’s getting killed or at least seriously wounded. It may not be a popular opinion but the life of an intruder is just as valuable in the cosmic scheme of things as anyone else's. And anyway if we have an armed police force then let them handle the situation. Most fatalities during robberies happen because the victim (for whatever reason) decided material possessions are worth dying or killing for. That's a sad statement on the society we live in. Even sadder than the fact Sandra Bullock runs her own production company.
Hunting? Well we humans are being hunted down in Maryland and everyone's crying about it. This has only been going on for three weeks. We've been shooting defenseless animals for centuries! When the tables are turned and we get randomly gunned down by a superior adversary we get our panties in a bunch! And why would you need a handgun to hunt? You're gonna sneak up on a flock of ducks pretending to be feeding them bread crumbs then -BAM BAM BAM?!!? That shows those ducks! Let's be fair, these poor animals don't stand a chance. Let's make the playing field level. Want to kill a deer? Wait in a tree until one comes underneath you and pounce - like a man! Then engage the deer in some hand to hand combat. If you can't beat it with your bare hands, like a man, don't cheat with a gun, just let Bambi's mother roam free for the love of Jeff. That's why I don't eat deer meat or bear meat; because I acknowledge a deer or a bear would tear me limb from limb. However, a cow and a pig? Well Christ, I'm pretty sure I can take a cow (especially if it’s asleep) and I ain't goin down to no punkass swine! That's why I eat steak and ham only. Oh, and chicken. But c'mon, fighting a chicken is like fighting Gerry Cooney.
RANT ABOUT MICHAEL MOORE:
And Michael Moore is a hypocrite. He's a member of the NRA. An association which pressures lobbyists and senators to vote against ballistics fingerprinting. If this law were enacted a year ago when it came up to vote this sniper would've been caught after the first shot was fire. This is an association more concerned with keeping their special interests protected then helping to catch a madman who's threatening the lives of children. He's also a hypocrite cause his follow-ups on the issues he presents is nil. After he gets his name in the press and his ego stroked, he moves on. He could've nailed Phil Knight and NIKE to a wall four years ago but he backed down because the story faded away. His name got in the press so it was time for him to move on to another topic. Meanwhile, little Haddish is still working for Phil Knight in Indonesia for 13 cents an hour and Phil charges some kid in Peoria 175 bucks for those shoes. Good job, Mike. You really made a difference there.
RANT OVER
I admit this is a simple argument on my side, but hell, I'm a pretty simple guy. I could've put in a bunch of stats about how every 24 seconds someone gets shot in America or that in the past ten years more people were killed by guns in the US than American soldiers were killed in Vietnam but I'll leave that to Bono. Simply, nothing good has ever come from a gun. A gun can not create life, it can only take it away, but didn't Edwin Star say something to this effect years ago? If Edwin couldn't convince this nation then some simple farmer's son from Nebraska doesn't stand a chance.
Yes, guns are bad but any idiot will tell you that. But if we abolished guns and the NRA we wouldn't have the laughs that go with gun apologists twisting the facts and just plain lying to us on CNN by saying gun availability is not the cause of destruction anytime some p*ssed off punk kid shoots up a school. And what would Charlton Heston do? THE TEN COMMANDMENTS alone is reason to allow him to stay in the public eye.
So, we'll give it 4 stars out of 5 for Gun Control. Hell, it works for Canada! Next, we'll discuss Socialized Health Care, Neil Young and other great Canadian elements!
Wow, that was a lot of really pretentious sh*t.
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Epinions.com ID:
nolan_j_sephoy
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Member: Joe Boylan
Location: Philadelphia, PA USA
Reviews written: 65
Trusted by: 9 members
About Me:
You know finger prints are just like snowflakes, they're both very pretty.
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