While I Was Gone.Nov 06 '02 (Updated Nov 09 '02) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line While I Was Gone.
While I Was Gone. As everyone here at Epinions knows, I have recently been ill. I spent most of the last few months in and out of the doctor’s office and in and out of hospital beds. That should explain why everything around you has stopped. I’m sorry that my illness has caused the earth to stop spinning. I was unaware of how important I really am. While I was lounging in my hospital bed, I heard the news. This web-site stopped functioning without me, all the great writers of Epinions had no where to turn, no one to ask for advice. I received phone call after phone call from the CEO of Epinions begging me to get well, asking for advice on how Epinions and the rest of the world can function without the very sexy Mr. Stockholder. He even offered $100,000 to the hospital if they would consider cryogenically freezing my body in the event of my death. A spokesperson for Epinions said a slight chance of my regeneration might give some form of hope to the struggling Epinions writers. It was mentioned that all of the best writers could not pull themselves together without me. He said the great 4-1-1 has been unable to stomach the taste of alcohol while I was gone, he stopped searching for hard to find wines and he recently was heard saying he thinks the smell of a cigar is “yucky”. If that’s not bad enough, fuche_bu and BeerLover decided that Miller Lite is the best beer they have ever tasted and they announced they are no longer interested in writing about any other beer. They recently wrote 17 new reviews, all on Miller products. I was sad to hear dedemw also hit rock bottom while I was gone. The funniest and most creative writer on Epinions recently decided to only write about extremely serious topics and she announced that it is time she started acting her age. Her first article was a no nonsense piece on how different wind currents affect the mating process of butterflies. When one of her readers made a joke about the piece she immediately reported the jokester to the Epinions authorities. The person that had the hardest time coping with my absence was without a doubt Lorace. Lorace is the nicest and most caring person at Epinions and the thought of me not writing another article drove her to drink. Her writing style changed dramatically; she has decided to only write about what ever hard liqueur she is guzzling down that night. She also cracked the Epinions code that blocks all words of profanity. Lorace recently implemented curse words into her article on Jack Daniel’s Whisky. After that she typed a letter to Epinions telling them what they can do with their TOP REVIEWER hat. These changes are so sudden, so shocking and now that I’m back so unnecessary. Everything should go back to the way it was before I left. Epinions needs your talents to remain the same. I understand how empty everyone felt while I was gone. I understand how the loneliness made everyone here at Epinions act out of character. But my 72 year-old buttocks is here to stay. I will be here for you. I’m glad to be back and I’m sorry I made the earth stop spinning in my absence. You can all go back to normal. Sincerely, Stockholder  |
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