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Dear Mom; With Undying Love, Debbie (Letter # 15) The First AnniversaryNov 22 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Perhaps she has sent me signs of her soul's survival all along.
Dear Mom, Today is Friday, November 22, 2002, a day which marks one year since your body finally released you from its debilitating cocoon of dementia and sent your spirit soaring into Heaven to be reunited with Dad. In some ways it feels like many years have passed since that awful Thanksgiving Day one year ago, but in others it seems like only yesterday that I was holding your hand that one last time and telling you to go hug Dad for all of us. Every day I have prayed for your soul, pleading with G-d to give me a sign that you are now with Him, that you are happy once again. As the week of this anniversary drew nearer, my prayers seemed to take on a more desperate tone as I tried to prepare my emotions for this day. Although I was dreading this day, I was also looking forward to its passing, knowing that the first year after losing a loved one is the hardest. On Monday, something interesting happened, Mom. After many months of shopping for new living room furniture, Steve and I finally found a beautiful leather sofa, love seat, and recliner set that seems just perfect. I suggested that I'd really like to use some of my inheritance money from you, Mom, to pay for the furniture, so that it would feel like a gift from you. Steve agreed that it would be a nice way to remember you. I'm looking forward to many wonderful cuddles with my family on this furniture, and I know you would be glad to be a part of it. When the time came to schedule the delivery of our new furniture, I just wanted to get it as soon as possible. I scheduled delivery for the first day they could deliver it, Wednesday, November 20th. After thinking it through, however, I realized I had a conflict and couldn't be home to receive it. The only other option for delivery would be Friday, November 22nd, the first anniversary of your death, the day I had been dreading so much! Sometimes I have a hard time believing that things happen by mere coincidence! This is certainly one of those times. I just can't believe it, Mom! The very moment I finished writing that last sentence, the doorbell rang. Two smiling men are here with the new furniture! Did you have something to do with that, Mom? What timing! Thank you, Mom, I so wish you were here to enjoy it with us. I will never forget how devastated I was on that Friday last year, when we moved you into the hospice center. You were so disoriented and scared, and in our hearts we knew that our time with you was coming to an end. It was just awful. After such an emotional day, I knew that sleep would be difficult, which it was. Earlier that week, we had heard that the Leonid meteors would be putting on an incredible show very early Saturday morning, so Steve and I decided to get the kids out of bed and have a meteor party in our backyard! We set our alarms for 3:00 a.m., and all four of us huddled out there with lawn chairs, blankets, and popcorn, watching G-d's fireworks display! It was gorgeous, and I couldn't help but think of Dad in heaven, preparing for a wonderful reunion with you, Mom. It all seemed so symbolic as the meteors streamed across the sky. Well, this week, on Monday night, the night we bought the furniture, I was in bed watching the news, thinking of you again. I saw on the news that the Leonid meteor showers would be peaking between 3 and 4 a.m. the next morning! Right away I thought of our meteor party a year ago, and all those painful feelings of losing you came flooding back to me. I decided that IF I woke up at the right time, I would drag myself out of bed and go see the meteors again. I fell quickly asleep, and the first time I woke up was at 3:42! I'd made myself a promise, so off I went, all by myself this time. The meteors were, indeed, very beautiful, and as I was standing out there, I couldn't help but reflect back on how awful I felt a year ago, watching those meteors and preparing myself for your death. As I was watching them, I found myself praying for you, and then I said out loud, "G-d bless you, Mom!" IMMEDIATELY after I uttered that those four words, a gorgeous meteor blazed across the sky, leaving a trail of dust in its path! Stunned by its beauty and perfect timing, I uttered the same words, and it happened again! And again! And again! This happened no less than 10 times! I finally went back inside the house and walked over to a picture of you on the shelf. As I looked into your eyes, I thought, "It would be nice to write another 'Dear Mom' letter this Friday, the first anniversary of your death. Right away, I heard your voice in my head saying, "Just wait and see what this week brings. Don't start writing yet. Wait until Friday." With that, I went upstairs and curled up in bed, wondering what, if anything, it all meant. I quickly fell back to sleep. The next morning, I came downstairs and greeted the kids eating their breakfast. After a bit, Joel took me aside, gently hugged me, and said to me, "Mom, I saw Grandma this morning!" Um, excuse me? You what? "I saw Grandma! She was sitting at her dining room table (which is in our house now) at her usual spot at the head of the table! She looked really good, not like when she had Alzheimer's. Her hair was shorter, and she had on a green shirt, kind of like the one you're wearing today, Mom. It was kind of scary, but she looked really good." I looked hard into the eyes of my nine-year-old son, wondering what to make of the words he was saying. Could he really have seen you, Mom? Was he actually just dreaming, seeing you in a vision in his sleep? Did you somehow pay us a visit that morning? Was it the sign I had been praying for, or are there many less obvious signs around me all the time, signs I just haven't been paying enough attention to? I miss you so much, Mom. Sometimes I hear your laugh in the middle of my own laughter, and it startles me. Sometimes I hear your voice inside of mine when I shower love on my own family now. Sometimes I can really feel your presence in the middle of a busy day. I pray that you've had a wonderful year in Heaven, Mom. I pray that you've seen incredible things, that you are elated at being in the presence of G-d and all our loved ones who have gone before us, and I pray that I will see you again someday, when my time here on earth has also come to an end. Happy heavenly birthday, Mom. With undying love, Debbie  |
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