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You left out Melons (Reply to this comment)
by mike.holmes
While this is one of the funniest epinions I've ever read, I'm startled that you did not include the melon family in your fornication with food treatise. But I could not have taken much more laughter so maybe it's just as well. Wiping the tears away, I'll always look at my food a little differently.
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Oct 25 '01
11:14 pm PDT
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What do people do with Vienna Sausages I wonder? (Reply to this comment)
by MiDoyle
This absolutely tops your "Dave's Insanity Sauce" piece. cheers
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Aug 08 '01
10:50 am PDT
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Re: We+have+a... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
They say it takes one to know one, and I'm proud to have my sickness recognized. Thanks for the comment, sir.
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Jul 21 '01
6:08 am PDT
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We have a... (Reply to this comment)
by JAMES23
...winner! I honestly don't know how I missed this one when the W/O entries were first posted Now I'm glad I did. I could enjoy it on it's own.
You sir are a very very sick individual, and that's coming from me. Well done.
James
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Jul 20 '01
10:13 pm PDT
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Re: doesn't+surprise+me... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Look, I think I may have found the source of your crankiness. Instead of fighting with your hubby over food to masturbate with, perhaps the two of you should make love to that cucumber together. Give it an androgynous name (such as Jaime) and 'go at it.' I'm thinking of starting a line of lingerie for cucumbers. Would you like to receive a catalogue?
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Jul 16 '01
7:18 am PDT
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Re: That's+a+damn+lot+of+comments,+Slouchy. (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Yup, when you answer them one at a time, you end up looking all kinds of more popular than you are.
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Jul 16 '01
7:16 am PDT
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doesn't surprise me... (Reply to this comment)
by crankybeer
that there are 101 comments on this epinion. You are a very sick individual and it scares me that I so enjoy reading your stuff.
Very creative and funny. But now I am worried that my husband and I will fight over the cucumber. ;-)
-Debby (crankybeer)
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Jul 15 '01
10:28 am PDT
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That's a damn lot of comments, Slouchy. (Reply to this comment)
by repulsemonkey
monkey
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Jul 12 '01
3:16 pm PDT
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Re: That's+it! (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
My adventurous spirit is doubtless wrapped up inside that plastic sheet. I'll confess that the main turn off about the egg suggestion was that there would be a sticky pile of goo on the floor that I would have to clean up afterwards. With the proper equipment (i.e. the plastic sheet you mention), I suppose all things are possible. Thanks for the comment.
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Jul 12 '01
9:03 am PDT
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Re: *sniffle* (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Jim,
Saltpeter received. This month's grocery bill: $5,428. And I haven't eaten in weeks.
You are evil.
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Jul 12 '01
9:00 am PDT
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Re: Apparently+someone's+mother+never+told+him+to+stop+playing+with+his+food (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
As for me, I wouldn't mind shaking Roth's hand, but I definitely wouldn't share the contents of his lunchbox.
Thanks for the comment.
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Jul 12 '01
8:59 am PDT
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Re: Better+a+late+comment+than+none+at+all.... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
It's all in the will. If a woman doesn't WANT to have a penis, she'll definitely never have one.
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Jul 12 '01
8:58 am PDT
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Re: My+WOT+has+been+waiting+for+you! (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Just be sure to put that knowledge to good use--and to share any disoveries of your own!
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Jul 12 '01
8:56 am PDT
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Re: spam (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. It's enough to drive you into the embrace of your vegetable crisper.
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Jul 12 '01
8:55 am PDT
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Re: Way+to+funny (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
But like, maybe 102 or 108, right?
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Jul 12 '01
8:54 am PDT
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Re: Oy+... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Less wandering, more masturbating!
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Jul 12 '01
8:54 am PDT
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Re: Questions,+questions,+questions... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
"How does [Spam] compare to butter? And are Vegans just S.O.L. in this whole debate?"
I dunno about Vegans, but I read an article once about how Brando wanted to use Spam instead of butter in that rather famous scene from _Last Tango_.
"And what about that advice to avoid chicken or turkey fat due to the way they can cause irritation? Again, did the man do some double-blind testing (and I hate to even mention blindness while talking about "self love"), making sure that the irritation was due to the specific fat and not possibly some slight difference in technique? Do chickens and turkeys suffer this same irritation? Wouldn't the boys at Tyson have any useful advice on this front, and if so, why do they do only laugh when I call their toll-free info line to inquire?"
They're not chuckling; they're whimpering. They keep using the chicken fat just because it's readily available--even though they know better. That Tyson guy who owns the place is a real tyrant. He refuses to let the workers masturbate with anything but chicken fat. They aren't even allowed to bring lard from home at their own expense!
"And how many cucumbers were undercooked or (ouch) overcooked before our intrepid chef d'amore arrived at the proper cooking time? Can these love-cukes be prepared in advance, kept warm in an oven, and then brought out for party guests? Might the wattage of my microwave affect cooking time? Could we use the grill instead, being summertime and all? What about zuchini?"
I'm not sure about how the idea was developed, but apparently it's "gay" to use zucchini--not that there's anything wrong with that.
Thanks for the comment, sir.
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Jul 12 '01
8:53 am PDT
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Re: Damn+funny... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Thanks for the comment, and please be sure to spam everyone you know with the link to this review. That way it's like one big smorgasborgy.
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Jul 12 '01
8:48 am PDT
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Re: If+there+ever+was+an+excuse+for+total+abstinence.... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
"I can't help but feel that maybe the old bromide about masturbation causing mental illness may actually be on to something."
By extension, masturbating with food causes indigestion. Hence the NEED for a bromide.
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Jul 12 '01
8:46 am PDT
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Re: Good+grief!! (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Fiona,
I'm sorry--particularly if I put any ideas into little Nath's head. If you see him looking at the refrigerator inappropriately, try not to blame me, okay?
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Jul 12 '01
8:45 am PDT
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Re: ...++You're+Soaking+in+It++... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
I don't have a response to your comment, but I wanted to let you know that I tried to come up with a pun on Palmolive. I just couldn't see how to make sense of Palmhairy, though.
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Jul 12 '01
8:43 am PDT
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Re: "not+chicken+or+turkey+or+something,+which+can+be+irritating."+ (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
I'm with you on that one. I think it was the writer's responsibility to explain exactly how the chicken and turkey fat could be irritating. As it is, I'm envisioning thousands of committed food masturbators trying out such substances just to find out what kind of irritation the writer is referring to. Now that's not funny; it's mean. Okay, it's a little bit funny.
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Jul 12 '01
8:41 am PDT
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Re: What+I+don't+understand... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Sorry man, but drj008 has helped me to bypass the chicken for wild turkey.
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Jul 12 '01
8:39 am PDT
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Re: More+Food+To+Ponder (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
And what happened next? Did it turn out that the neighbor had been watching her all along? Did the two of them go at it (in ways that involved cucumbers and tomatoes)? Really, Kristina, must you leave me hanging like this?
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Jul 12 '01
8:38 am PDT
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Re: umm... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
If I were to become involved in a circle jerk featuring Spam, I would certainly hope that the other participants would have the decency to bring bread and mustard. Thanks for the comment.
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Jul 12 '01
8:37 am PDT
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Re: ... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Thanks for the comment.
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Jul 12 '01
8:35 am PDT
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Re: Comment+Title?+I+Give+Up... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Now using Wild Turkey (the drink) might be interesting, but you've go me thinking about the possibility of going after an actual wild turkey--only I fear that sordid-1 might stop by to shoot me.
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Jul 12 '01
8:34 am PDT
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Re: What+can+I+say? (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Don't say anything, just send more cucumbers ASAP.
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Jul 12 '01
8:33 am PDT
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Re: Just+realized: (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
Then I fear I have wronged you. You have my sincerest apologies.
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Jul 12 '01
8:32 am PDT
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Re: Well,+sweetie... (Reply to this comment)
by Sloucho
It's a shame that more people don't read the Bible. That scene describing Onan spilling his seed is possibly the first come-shot in history.
Thanks for the comment.
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Jul 12 '01
8:31 am PDT
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