New Hovercraft Lawnmower is Difficult to Control Nov 26 '02    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line We here at Dookiepoop are always diggin the good shizzle up. So eat it, bucko. John Deere, undisputed champion of lawn and farm maintenance vehicles, has introduced a cutting-edge lawnmower that taps into futuristic logistics to deliver a considerably improved mowing experience. At least, that is what they promise. Consumers are extremely skeptical about the new lawnmower, which has been widely touted as "The Floating Death". The technologically superior vehicle does not travel on wheels like traditional units… rather, it hovers above the ground (roughly 5 feet or so) and cuts from above. Retailing for $232,000.00 USD, The Floating Death (John Deere’s official model name is: Blades of Heaven) is well beyond the financial grasp of the average American consumer. Even in the face of ridiculous financial rape, at least two of these units have been sold since its inception over a week ago. Vernon Jones, one of the only two reported purchasers of The Floating Death, is currently facing lifetime imprisonment on charges of destruction of property and involuntary manslaughter, amongst other detrimental claims to misfame. "It’s all that f-cking lawnmower’s fault!" he screams as he flips through the phone book in search of a qualified legal representative. "It’s a goddamn death trap! It will destroy your family, house, and town! It doesn’t even come with an instruction manual!" Vernon’s claims, though seemingly ridiculous, are everything but myth. The first time he attempted to operate The Floating Death, he immediately lost control of the unit. It whizzed in a flurry of malfunction, decapitating his wife, chewing up his children like ground chuck, and whittling his house down to its foundation. The Floating Death then traveled to the town of Hugoville (with Vernon helplessly in tow), bringing death and dismemberment to all who dared to stand within its random path. Vernon was enthusiastic when we here at Dookiepoop asked to test-drive The Floating Death. Not only did he grant us permission to use it, but (rabidly) insisted that we permanently keep it. "Be sure to use it in a desolate unpopulated area," he warned through tears, "or you’ll end up like me." "How bad could it be?" asked Dookiepoop Editor Mark as he climbed in the driver seat with naïve haste. Dookiepoop Editor Ted cautiously entered the passenger side after many moments of consideration. "No!" screeched Vernon in what could only be described as a ‘blood-curdling explosion of dread’. "Don’t start her up here! Take it far a-" Vernon’s pleas were drowned out as the hovercraft kicked into gear. Then his head was lopped off as the vehicle began its ascent. The skies turned crimson as blood rained upon the ground. Mark, with wide eyes that reflected his unmasked fear, screamed "Holy sh-t, el wappo! There’s no steering wheel! It’s a juggernaut of destruction that chooses its own path!" The Floating Death took us on a trip we here at dookiepoop.com will never forget. It’s not everyday you get to watch a whole nunnery butchered at the hands of your own vehicle… or see an elephant become reduced to vulture food in the time frame of 3 seconds. After extensive testing and application, we here at Dookiepoop simply do not recommend this unit. The price tag is unapproachable, and the lack of manual control (and an instruction manual) makes for devastating uncertainty. This has been a Dookiepoop News Exclusive.

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