1999: The Millennium Cinema CrashDec 2, 2002 (Updated Dec 21, 2002) Write an essay on this topic.
The Bottom Line 1999: we expected the Apocalypse, all we got were these 10 stinkers. Talk about disappointing.
Aaaah, whatcha gonna do? I know it seems that all I seem to be doing these days are Top 10 lists and write/off entries, but after perusing through my recent 10 Worst Movies Of The 1990s list, I couldn't help but notice that - out of the 20 or so films I mention in total - four of them came from the year 1999. Ergo, that must have been a total shitheel of a year for films. And thus I feel compelled to lambast the year that will forever be known as "the one in which all that Millennium crap was spouted, which turned out to be a complete load of toss" for its poor cinematic efforts.
True, 1999 wasnt the worst year for films during the 90s. That accolade goes to '97, a year which saw the likes of Batman And Robin, Speed 2, The Avengers and 8 Heads In A Duffel Bag all released within a matter of weeks of one another. What are they trying to do, kill us? Indeed, the last year of the 20th Century wasnt as bad as we all remember it, granting us the joy of films such as Fight Club, The Matrix, American Beauty, Being John Malkovich, The Blair Witch Project et al. But for every ying theres a turd-covered yang. And for every turd-covered yang, theres a never-ending series of crusty cling-ons. And so, with these bowel-related analogies behind us, time to divulge the 10 biggest stinkers. Bet you can guess what is number one.
10 Patch Adams
A lesson to all of us: defy the system, makes peoples lives better and love all those around you. The result? Your girlfriend gets killed. Excellent. Theres only so many times a person can be preached to about poor terminal little kiddies before you want to puncture your own lungs with a biro. Laughter is the best medicine? If you were seriously ill and some white-coated clown started jumping around like an epileptic mime, you'd deck the git, wouldn't you?
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Drinking a pint of camel snot.
9 The House On Haunted Hill
A film so over directed that its impossible to analyse this as anything other than a show-reel for director William Malone, who uses every single trick in the book in order to chill the spines except, it seems, good old fashioned subtlety. If the constant smash-cuts and loud booming effects dont give you a headache, the knowledge that you paid good money to see it certainly will.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Slowly working a teaspoon up your own ass.
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8 Shes All That
Hey kids, you wanna learn about fascism? Well how about you sit down and watch this teen rom-com about an atypical ugly duckling who must conform to status by showing off her norks in order to fit in with all the other kids? Remember, its okay to be an individual, just so long as you act, dress and talk like everyone else. Propaganda for the teenage market. Can anyone now doubt that Freddie Prinze Jr isnt Satan himself?
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Stapling your head to your kneecaps.
7 End Of Days
If Ahnuld is the Austrian Oak, then hes got a nasty case of wood rot. The basic pitch is that Satan needs to get laid before the turn of the Millennium whereupon the world will end, and only one man can stop him. Guess frigging who? Cue a plethora of pseudo-religious waffling that doesnt actually mean anything, not to mention the inclusion of the most egotistical Arnie/Christ comparison of all time. And it even has the audacity to nick the Best trick the devil ever pulled line from The Usual Suspects. Now thats sacrilege.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Crawling across broken glass naked.
Kevin Smith shows that maybe he should limit himself to writing scripts about stoners, slackers and cock-knockers, if this venture into real filmmaking is anything to go by. Catholics the world over get wound up by its theme. Film lovers everywhere got wound up by the fact that its a boring, piss-poor waste of time.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Having a vasectomy without anaesthetic.
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For the love of God, will somebody please ask, nay beg, Sean Connery to accept the fact that hes old enough to get a pension and stop taking the roles where gets to knob someone half his age? No, it doesnt matter if it with ol Grave Robber herself, Catherine Zeta Jones, not if the result is a complete joke of a heist thriller like this. You can weave your body through as many laser beams as you want Catherine, but youll never convince us that its in any way meaningful. Not art, just arse.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Melting a tracksuit onto your body and then s-l-o-w-l-y peeling it off.
This film would have been scarier if it was based on the trials and tribulations of a girl struck with an oblong-shaped cornea that causes blurred vision; Astigmatism. Lets face it, thats got to be better than being subjected to 100 or so minutes of pompous religious babbling, Gabriel Byrnes horny priest or Patricia Arquettes teeth. Eeuch.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Gouging out your eyeballs with a great big rusty spike.
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3 Wild Wild West
Will Smith in rubbish summer blockbuster shock! Mindless action is all well and good, but since when was it deemed necessary to couple explosions with pointless and sickeningly transparent racial preaching? The humour is straight out of an episode of Benny Hill, the acting seriously overcamp and the special effects arent really that good anyway.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Having your fingers crushed by a steamroller.
2 The Haunting
Back so soon, Catherine? You can tell when a bad film is really bad when you find yourself unable to attract even camp humour out of it. Director Jan DeBont has all the refinement of someone planting their foot up your ass, his overuse of special FX woefully failing to paper over the cracks of crudness. A crass, overstuffed, woefully inept demonstration of things that go bump in the night.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Waking up after a drunken night out next to Roseanne Barr and Joan Collins, while dressed up like a character from the film
1 Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Frickin Menace
Even Im bored of criticising this film. Despite the fact it made my eyes bleed and lowered my IQ to that of a drunken chimp, causing me to wonder at what point mankind as a whole went wrong, theres only so many times you can slam a movie. Jar Jar Binks, Ewan McGregor, Darth Maul George Lucas, you can all throw yourself off a cliff for all I care.
The Cinematic Equivalent Of: Watching The Phantom Menace. Truly, there is no greater pain known to man.
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They Could Have Been Contenders:
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Drive Me Crazy
Play It To The Bone
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