Potter vs. Rings vs. Wars - The Grudge Match
Dec 22 '02 (Updated Sep 18 '05)
The Bottom Line Finally, Divine_Cheese answers the question "Who would win in a fight out of Gandalf, Dumbledore and Yoda?"
2002 has been, without a doubt, the year of the franchise, as Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones, Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets and The Two Towers have battled it out for the public's affections. And the problem is they're all such good films it's impossible to name a victor for blockbusting franchise of the year (Forget James F*cking Bond).
Attack Of Clones followed the further adventures of Anakin Skywalker on his path to absolute evil, as he and Obi-Wan Kenobi get into all sorts of scrapes. Hilarity, action, a Beauty and the Block of Wood Love story and a fight between the shortest man in the universe (Yoda) and the tallest man in the universe (Christopher Lee) then ensues.
Chamber Of Secrets followed the further adventures of Harry Potter at Hogwarts as some ne'er do well opens to the titular chamber, releasing it's scaly occupant upon an unsuspecting school as it goes around petrifying the students. Harry learnt to act, Kenneth Branagh stole the show as Gilderoy Lockhart, Rupert Grint's voice teetered on the edge of breaking and audiences shat themselves at the spiders and were baffled by the daft ending: "Hogwarts wouldn't be the same without you Hagrid!" The whole audience wonders why as all he does in this one is nearly get Harry and Ron killed...
The Two Towers followed the further adventures of the remaining members of the Fellowship of the Ring, as Frodo and Sam try and destroy the naughty bit of jewellery, Aragorn and co. meet up with a newly resurrected Gandalf and go for a ruck with Saruman, joined by King Theoden and the riders of Rohan and Pippin and Merry spend the whole film up a tree. It does talk though. All the swash gets buckled safely and the derring is well and truly done.
Unfortunately in this sort of situation there is only one way to determine which film is the film to rule them all:
FIGHT!!!
The Heroes
Frodo Baggins vs. Harry Potter vs. Anakin Skywalker
"Why do people have to die?" asks Anakin in a voice that sounds not unlike Forrest Gump, before igniting his light sabre and going ape at the furry footed freak and the boy wizard. Baggins dons his ring of power and Potter his invisibility cloak and leave Skywalker lumbering round like a block of wood before finally cutting himself in half with his own sword. Confusing face off between Potter and Baggins ensues as they realise neither can see the other until Potter uses his summoning charm to nick Baggin's ring and finishes him with the dreaded "Hobbit-Felcher" curse. Oo-er missus... WINNER: HARRY POTTER
The Bumbling Sidekicks
Sam Gamgee vs. Ron Weasley vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Crikey!" says Ron in a voice which sounds like a hamster having a cat rectally inserted. Pointing his broken wand at Obi-Wan he attempts the extremely naughty death curse but instead hilariously turns himself into a pink toadstool. Laughing at Weasley's hapless stupidity, Kenobi then turns on Gamgee, but before he can whip out his light-sabre gets flattened by the dreaded Gamgee head-butt. "Oh dear master Frodo," says Sam like a dullard yokel, "Looks like we'll be having mushrooms again for tea tonight!" WINNER: SAM GAMGEE
The Evil Overlords
Sauron vs. Lord Voldemort / Tom Riddle vs. Darth Sidious
Sidious starts with the clever move of trying to manipulate the Ministry Of Magic in order to usurp Voldemort as supreme evil wizard. Voldemort just yawns and vanishes Sidious in a puff of his own boring excuse for a plot twist that everyone's guessed already. Sauron laughs maniacally at Voldemort suggesting that he should say his prayers what with Sauron being the dark overlord of the world. Voldemort points out that Sauron is just an eye and nuts him into oblivion. WINNER: LORD VOLDEMORT
The Big Gribbly Monsters
The Winged Nazgul vs. The Basilisk vs. That cat thing out of Attack Of The Clones
Almost immediately the Cat thing out of Star Wars realises it's totally out of its league and skulks off to a corner. Meanwhile, the Winged Nazgul monster and the Basilisk face off. Although the Winged Nazgul has bigger teeth, it's no match for the Basilisk's stare, turning the oversized bat into a petrified oversized bat. Unfortunately this just causes it to plummet onto the Basilisk's thick snake head, crushing it and leaving cat thing victorious. WINNER: THE CAT THING
Heroines
Eowyn vs. Hermionie Granger vs. Queen Amidala
Hefting her bloody great sword, Eowyn looks like quite a tough adversary, especially to little Hermionie, but with one blast of her straight from stage-school tones, Miss Granger so infuriates the shield-maiden that she cuts her own head off just to escape. Before Hermionie has a chance to be a bossy know-it-all again, Queen Amidala lands a well placed laser blast between the little munchkins eyes and lays her out stone-cold dead. Audiences cheer. WINNER: QUEEN AMIDALA
The Wise Masters
Gandalf vs. Dumbledore vs. Yoda
"Hmm..." says Yoda, "Anger is the path to the dark side... Yes! Have a go you must Dumbledore, if hard enough think you are!" Confused by Yoda's slapdash use of grammar, the venerable headmaster attempts to pile-drive the little muppet into the ground but is surprised when Yoda easily sidesteps his clumsy grab, gets behind him and makes him "Feel The Force." "Like a man can you not take it," says the cheeky Jedi Master. Behind him Gandalf says, "My turn!" with an evil little twinkle in his eye. "Oh no, bow-legged will I be!" yelps Yoda as the all powerful wizard over-powers him. WINNER: GANDALF
The Mighty Armies
The Uruk Hai vs. Hordes Of Giant Spiders vs. The Clone Army
With a roar and a clash of swords, the remorseless, unrelenting Uruk Hai charge straight into the Forbidden Forest where they make short work of the Giant Spiders. Never running out of steam, the relentless orcs then charge out of the forest where they come face to face with the Clone Army and promptly get incinerated by a million gigawatts of laser power. WINNER: THE CLONE ARMY
The CGI characters
Gollum vs. Dobby the House Elf vs. Jar Jar Binks
"Yousa people gonna die!?" asks the floppy eared rasta as he takes a puff on a suspicious looking cigarette moments before being throttled to death by the mutated hobbit-thing. "Die my racially stereotyped precious!" hisses Gollum as Jar Jar's eyes pop out and a million fan boys cheer. Moving like a snake he then darts onto Dobby who's attempting to beat himself up with the remains of the Uruk Hai army. "You shall not harm Dobby!" squeaks the little elf, turning Gollum into chunky salsa dip, "He's one mean Mofo!" WINNER: DOBBY
The Evil Leiutenants
Saruman vs. Lucius Malfoy vs. Count Dooku
Both being played by Christopher Lee, Saruman and Dooku are initially confused and Malfoy takes the opportunity to ponce around like a woman. Finally coming to an agreement, both Christopher Lee incarnations turn on the long-haired wizard ponce and perform a crushing "Atomic Wedgie" on him. The crowd roars as Dooku takes a flamboyant bow allowing Saruman to demonstrate why a wizard's staff has a knob on the end. WINNER: SARUMAN
Evil Henchmen
Wormtongue vs. Draco Malfoy vs. Jango Fett
Wormtongue starts to p*ss himself with laughter at the faintly pathetic sight of the younger Malfoy. "Practising for the ballet are we Wormtongue?" asks Malfoy before setting his badly conditioned greasy head on fire. Unfortunately Draco isn't quick enough to avoid Jango's flamethrower and for once, Fett keeps his head. WINNER: JANGO FETT
Comedy double acts
Pippin And Merry vs. Gilderoy Lockheart and Neville Longbottom vs. C3PO and R2D2
"I'm camp! I'm camp!" screams C3PO as he minces around like a maniac before a well placed blow from Pippin chops him into little bits of metal for the millionth time in a Star Wars film. Meanwhile Lockheart tries to use his memory charm on R2D2, turning the dustbin on wheels into a novelty d*ldo. Longbottom is the second person today to fall victim to the dreaded Atomic Wedgie as Merry hooks his pants over his nose. The hobbits then strip naked and go on a beserk rampage, slaughtering Lockheart and half the Clone Army in the process. WINNER: PIPPIN AND MERRY
The Gentle Giants
Treebeard vs. Hagrid vs. Mace Windu
Hagrid, p*ssed as usual starts stumbling around wildly shooting at anything in sight with his giant crossbow. Mace Windu, sensing Hagrid to be less of a danger than the venerable Ent whips out his Mk 2 light-sabre (For when you have to slaughter absolutely every motherf*ckin' Ent in the room...) and turns to face his foe. Unfortunately, going against a giant tree with the ability to rip down whole castles, he doesn't really stand a chance and Treebeard stamps on him. "Hmm... That was Hasty" rumbles the ent as he turns to face the beardy, p*ssed giant, "You're going home in a... barrarooom! What's the word? Ambulance!" Hagrid however is in the process of lighting one of his alcohol saturated farts and turns Treebeard into kindling. "I shouldn't 've told you that!" he hiccups. WINNER: HAGRID
ROUND 2!!!
Hagrid vs. Pippin and Merry vs. Jango Fett
Taking careful aim at the loveable giant, Jango fires his flamethrower, hitting Hagrid squarely in the b*llocks. Unfortunately the beer fumes rising from Hagrid's bowel cause him to explode, taking out both him and Mr. Fett. Again, Jango's head fails to plop out of his helmet. Pippin and Merry celebrate by wearing their corpses. WINNER: PIPPIN AND MERRY
Saruman vs. Dobby vs. The Clone Army
Sensing that their supernatural powers will be no match against the Clones laser guns, Saruman and Dobby are about to give up hope when suddenly one of Jango Fett's defective genes kicks in and the entire Clone army croaks it simultaneously. Saruman laughs a big deep laugh but succumbs to the large elephant that Dobby makes appear over his head. "Dobby will ride your b*tch-*ss in hell, goat felcher!" laughs the little elf. WINNER: DOBBY
Gandalf vs. Queen Amidala vs. Lord Voldemort
Lord Voldemort, ever the evil necromancer, is immediately put off by her highnesses hooters as the cold air makes nature take its course, thus allowing Amidala to neatly fry his brains with a well placed laser bolt. Turning to Gandalf she hopes the same trick to work again. Unfortunately for her Gandalf only likes "Naughty Hobbits" and he does unto her what he did to the Balrog. WINNER: GANDALF
Sam Gamgee vs. Harry Potter vs. The Cat Thing
Full of gusto, but lacking any degree of skill, Gamgee charges head first at the Cat Thing and straight down its huge gullet. Miscalculating Potter's viciousness, it then makes a charge at the Boy Wizard who with one deft movement of his wand turns it into soft-pile furnishing. WINNER: HARRY POTTER
Round 3 - One on one
Harry Potter vs. Pippin and Merry
Swelled by the success of their previous victories, the hobbits decide to go into battle armed only with limp sticks of celery. Potter is ready for them and sets fire to their furry feet with his magic wand, roasting the little imps in their jackets. WINNER: HARRY POTTER
Gandalf vs. Dobby
Knowing that the erstwhile house elf is a tough little cookie, Gandalf prepares by raising an army of tree monsters and charging towards the big-eared freak on horse-back with a mad glint in his eyes. Dobby just about has time to say "You shall not harm..." before being trampled underfoot. WINNER: GANDALF
The Final
Gandalf vs. Harry Potter
In order for honour to be maintained the two wizards decide to forgo the use of magic, Gandalf dropping his staff and Potter dropping his wand. Gandalf draws his big glowing sword Glamdring and Potter retrieves the sword of Godric Gryffindor and the pair of them prepare to do battle. Just as they're bowing to each other Gandalf says, "I say young man, your flies are undone..." As Potter looks down Gandalf hacks his head off and performs a lap of honour with Harry's head impaled on his sword. 100 million small children cry their eyes out.
OVERALL WINNER: THE TWO TOWERS
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