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Lonely Only: When An Only Child Learns About DeathDec 28 '02 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line How to tell an only child, regardless of age, about death.
Having an only child is often the result of a number of factors. Most certainly there are couples who love the idea of one child - a child they can center all their time, energy, and finances upon. A child to devote their all to in terms of parenting. There are the couples for whom fertility issues made having an only child the only real option - they feel blessed to have been given one child and this was the limit in terms of children the Lord granted them. To be certain, there are variations on the theme of "Why We Had An Only Child", but this is material for a different sort of written piece. There are various comments and questions one receives when individuals find they are an only child. Most often "Did you like being an only child?" As if this were an option - a choice to be an only child. Was it enjoyed? Well, it was the only reality known. Was it lonely? Sure - yet I know children with multiple siblings who were also lonely growing up. The important thing is that it was not constantly lonely - in fact, note to parents of an only child - keep that bit of information in mind. No, the life of an only child is not a nightmare. It is not constant loneliness, and the growing up years - that's the easy part. Instead, consider a time when you must tell your only child about death. And not just any death, but the death of a parent. AN ONLY CHILD - FAST FORWARD I am a parent of three children, a wife, and a daughter. I am no longer young (though I like to think I qualify as "young at heart"). Yet, when my mother had to tell her only child, her only child (yes, me) about death...her death...I regressed considerably. And while the information has completely sunk in, in the fashion that information on death sinks in, the regression still occurs from time-to-time. So, parents of only children...listen up...while telling a child about death is never easy, telling an only child of death, and most notably the inevitable death of a parent, is even more sensitive. Those with siblings may not completely understand the ramifications of death from an only child's perspective. Consider these insights from an only child who is in the process of dealing with impending death: Losing a parent is losing one-third of your history....when an only child loses a parent she loses one of three people who, presumably, has known her since birth. She loses one of only three people who experienced most of her formative years. She loses one of three people with whom she can "recollect". Losing a parent can result in 100% of the responsibility in caring for an adult....depending on when a death occurs, an adult only child may be left with 100% of the duties in caring for an aged or sick parent. Sure, this may not seem to apply to the heading "how to tell your child about death", but this could apply regardless of age depending on family situations. Losing a parent may mean losing your only sounding board....it's inevitable in many families that a child and one parent "bond" a bit closer than the norm. Losing one parent may mean losing the only family confidant - there's no older sibling who may also be filling this role. So, just how do you tell your only child about death? As an only child, and now a parent, my suggestion is to start with first making sure your child has a support system outside of her parents. Before discussing death, first make sure you have created a network of other family members and close (permanent) friends who will share in the formative years of your child. In doing so you may eliminate some of the sorrow and, yes, desparation potentially felt by a child. When it's time to actually discuss death, draw on your faith. In actuality, I cannot imagine how one has a conversation about death when a faith is absent. To think of death as a final action rather than the stepping point to an eternity...well, I just cannot fathom this. Emphasize death as only a step, not as an end. Emphasize the ability to "talk" to a loved one beyond death if it aids in dealing with feelings of loneliness. Finally, discuss Eternity as something good and not something scary. Yes, it is sorrowful for whomever is left behind, but think of it as a meeting place where, someday, your family will be reunited. And let me reiterate, just once more, from an only child's perspective: Build Memories, Record Memories, Discuss Memories. I am in the midst of losing my mother and everyday something crosses my mind that I realize I will not know the answer to if she should pass. I write down a lot, I have given her a "memory book" to record information both on her young years and on my own childhood, and I talk, talk, talk. Parents of only children - do this now.  |
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