Pulling the Old Masturbate and Switch
Jan 21 '03
The Bottom Line Inserting a piece of ginger or a live eel into a horse's fundament will make him lively and carry his tail well.
Why do some new words become staples of our everyday language while others fade away? Why have words and phrases like "moonlighting," "politically correct" and "yuppie" entered the mainstream, while other recently minted ones like "velcroid" (a person who sticks by the president, "especially for photo opportunities"), "prosultant" (emphasizing the positive in the consulting business) and "shuicide bomber" ("terrorist with bomb in shoes") have failed to catch on?
Why did "server" as a gender-neutral term for waiter or waitress prevail over "waitron"? Why do restaurants serve "brunch" but not "linner"? Why did "Lilliputian" catch on, but not "Brobdingnagian"? -- Michiko Kakutani, review of Predicting New Words, New York Times 1/17/03
Indeed. Why did we settle on “infotainment” rather than “entermation”? Whatever happened to “adultescent”? And will “snarky” and all its offshoots last into 2004? Thankfully I haven’t heard “spooning” in the last 6 months, though that may just be due to not watching cheesy dating shows, and it seems that even dyed in the wool conservatives are too chagrined to run around belching the term “feminazi”.
I was sad to see “al desko” go the way of the dodo. It was a play on al fresco, as in, “I’ll be eating my lunch al desko today.”
Twice in the past week I’ve heard one of our local talking heads refer to “Iraqnophobia”, which she proudly confessed to inventing. (This is known as self-coining – coining an already existing word that you didn’t know about. It was actually coined in the first Gulf War, right around the time the movie came out). Uh, yeah, that has about as much sticking power as velcroid. Besides, it would just confuse the 82% of the population who insist on calling Iraq “eye-rack”. (You know who you are.)
Why SAHM, but not WAHD (work at home dad)?
Why did “empty nesters” catch on, but not “empty wombers” (couples who try unsuccessfully for many years to conceive)? Why “soccer moms” but not “Oprahbots” (the glassy-eyed suburbanites who fill Oprah’s studio audience, their applause remote controlled by the show’s producers)?
Why, when we’re in a fighting mood, do we open a “can of whoop-ass”, but not the equally mellifluous and evocative “jar of hiney beatings”? Why are Midwestern living rooms littered with “tchotchkes” rather than the infinitely easier to spell “gewgaws”?
Why did the “curtain” metaphor (beginning, presumably, with Winston Churchill’s coinage of the Iron Curtain) give rise to the Cotton Curtain (between the northern and southern states), and the Cheddar Curtain (the Wisconsin state border), but not the Chow Mein Curtain, the Falafel Curtain, or the Kimchi Curtain (between North and South Korea)? That’s rather an iron curtain too, obviously, but there’s no more kimchi north of the border.
Why has “plumber’s crack” taken on such resonance in the U.S., whilst BBC news reporters refer to “builder’s cleavage”?
Why do we so freely exclaim “bullshit!” rather than the lovely and bucolic “meadow dressing?” Why does “asshole” trip off our tongues so unreservedly while gutter pup, congeon, gunzel butt, slumbum, jack nasty, son of a biscuit eater, and tatterdemalion languish in times gone-by? For the love of mud, what happened to grapemonger, booze gob, and malt-worm, so superior to the sadly clinical “alcoholic”?
In the meantime, please help me ease the following terms back into the lexicon:
homolicious: referring to a particularly attractive gay man; e.g., Harry Connick, Jr. or Jude Law
hasbian, or wasbian: a former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship (coined by Paul McFedries)
ignoranus: someone who is both stupid and an asshole
Bridezilla: A bride-to-be who, while planning her wedding, becomes exceptionally selfish, greedy, and obnoxious. (origin unknown)
anus envy: the desire to emulate one’s idiotic TV and radio idols (e.g., Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, Jackass) – coined by Wired magazine
grass ceiling: A set of social, cultural, and discriminatory barriers that prevent or discourage women from using golf to conduct business.
Male Answer Syndrome, or MAS: The tendency for some men to answer a question even when they don't know the answer. (coined by the Seattle Times, 1992)
masturbate and switch: I like to throw this into the occasional conversation, even though nobody (including me) knows what it means.
Scheissenbedauern: The disappointment one feels when exposed to something that is not nearly as bad as one hoped it would be; literally "shit regret". (purportedly coined by Joe Queenan)
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Member: Distressa Bologna-Cohen
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Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas.
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